Adaptation Insanity: The one where the scariest thing is Dan Aykroyd

 

 

Title: Twilight Zone The Movie

What Year?: 1983

Classification: Irreproducible Oddity

Rating: Ow, My Brain!!! (Unrated/ NR)

 

As I write this, I’ve been continuing to think over what I want to do with my blog and writing in general. In the process, I recently found myself with a string of movies that could all have suited my purposes. These included a movie I had thought about for a very long time, which I decided was enough to kick off a feature I had considered before as a spinoff to my Super Movies feature. This will be a look at movies based on other properties, which as a further twist will focus on things besides books and comics. Our first entry for consideration will be a film so notorious it could literally be its own category. I present Twilight Zone: The Movie, and yeah, I know all about the backstory.

Our story begins with a driver and a friendly hitchhiker singing TV themes and talking about a certain famous series, until the encounter turns lethal. We then see an unfolding anthology that starts with a middle-aged racist who finds himself transported back in time as the minorities he hates. We then meet the denizens of a retirement home who regain their youth with a game of kick the can, only to discover a price that won’t be a clear downside. Things are looking up as we move on to a school teacher who is invited home by a quirky little boy who proves to be a godlike superhuman with a captive “family”. Finally, we meet a fussy intellectual on a plane who sees a mysterious creature sabotaging the engines, but can’t convince anyone else of the threat. It’s all kinds of pretty good, I guess- but can anything be scarier than Dan Aykroyd?

The Twilight Zone: The Movie was a 1983 dark fantasy/ horror anthology film released by Warner Bros, based on the TV series created by the late Rod Serling. The film was produced by John Landis (An American Werewolf In London) and Steven Spielberg (Duel, ET), who directed the first two segments, “Time Out” and “Kick The Can”. Additional segments based on the original TZ episodes “It’s A Good Life” and “Nightmare At 20,000 Feet” were directed by Joe Dante (InnerSpace, Gremlins 2) and George Miller respectively. Frequent TZ contributor Richard Matheson (see… Jaws 3?) received writing credits for 3 out of 4 sequences. The soundtrack was scored by Jerry Goldsmith (see Link, Deep Rising, etc, etc, etc), whose early work included the TZ episode “The Invaders”. The cast included Vic Morrow (see Message From Space... wait, my first review?), Kathleen Quinlan and John Lithgow (Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai), with Burgess Meredith (Batman, The Manitou) as the narrator and Dan Aykroyd as the Hitchhiker/ Monster in a prologue sequence. The film became notorious for an accident that resulted in the deaths of Morrow and two child extras. It was a moderate commercial success, earning $42 million against a $10M budget, but subsequently suffered from controversy and limited availability on home video. Among series fans and genre critics, it was poorly received except for Dante’s segment. As of early 2023, it is available for digital purchase and rental.

For my experiences, I will say right off the bat that my usual format and length was out the window from the start. As far as the present film, what really stands out in hindsight is that I literally had no awareness of it until at least the middling 1990s, and still didn't watch it until around 2017. The astonishing part of that is that I was an absolute TZ junkie virtually from the time I had regular access to television at all. I would watch the original series, I would watch the ‘80s revival, I would read the tie-in books, I would narrate episodes to innocent bystanders. All of which is just to say, for me to have known nothing about this film means somebody really screwed up. The most obvious reasons, I must also say at the outset, are ones I won’t go into. I have reviewed movies with body counts before (see Brainstorm, which still wasn’t as uncomfortable as Hardware), and the only thing that really works is to keep it out of the picture. In those terms, my diagnosis is that this was always on track to be sleek, expensive and completely forgettable, which is not what it deserves.

Moving forward, I really couldn’t avoid a paragraph on the opening segment(s). The prologue is, if anything, underrated, especially in light of Dan Aykroyd’s performance. At face value, the role isn’t even against type, yet the actor becomes subtly unsettling well before the end, enough to ponder what might have been if he had gone further into roles outside comedy. We then get the embarrassingly good modernization of the TZ opening, with Meredith swinging for the fences. Finally, we get to Morrow’s segment, which I feel I am committing heresy by endorsing probably the second strongest in the entire movie. We get a strong set-up through the introduction to a very unsympathetic character who (in arguable contrast to the antiheroes of “Judgment Night” or “Death’s Head Revisited”) is never so monstrous that he can’t be identified with people a viewer might meet. What follows is a reasonably satisfying series of vignettes that never needed any other ending than its chilling final sequence. The “problem” is that this never quite reaches the level of true irony, unless you count the jerk’s surprisingly plausible ability to stay alive as long as he does, and there really isn’t a lot that could have been done differently. To me, the one good option would be to put him through the slights and resentment even “model” minorities in “modern” society face, perhaps by a “body swap” with the individual he's really mad at, but then, that would require political subtlety in an ‘80s movie.

The other segment I had to write up on its own is “It’s A Good Life”, based on both the TZ episode and the short story by Jerome Bixby. This is the one segment that is at least as good as it’s usually made out to be. I would go so far as to make favorable comparisons to the original series episode (one of the ones I can remember retelling). The most intriguing part is that this “remake” is even bolder than The Thing in reconceiving the source material as well as its “classic” adaptation. (The short story is still far more horrific…) Here, the child god-demon is content to hold power over a single house, resulting in a claustrophobic focus and significant ambiguities that certainly “work”. It’s never clear if this version of the character is less powerful, less ambitious or simply mature enough to preserve a line of contact with the “real” world. His meeting with the protagonist teacher is similarly debatable. It makes sense that she would succeed in connecting where others have failed, but it’s very possible that the miserable captives we meet in the house thought the same at some point. As events proceed, the cinematography and effects convey a sense of unravelling reality as much as Anthony’s power, augmented by the prominent cartoons. The materialized creatures truly feel like toons brought to life, still not as unnerving as the on-screen monster that dispatches the “sister” sent into its domain. Of course, there are many things I considered for the “one scene”, which will be from here. My own favorite is the would-be magician’s reluctant rabbit-out-of-a-hat trick, followed by the deceptively drawn-out reveal of Anthony’s real sibling.

That still leaves two whole segments, including Spielberg’s contribution. That is quite justly Ground Zero for the hate this movie usually gets, to the point that I am hard-pressed to say anything save that yes, it is that bad. My only dissent is that I don’t buy the suggested narrative that he was thrown off by the legendary troubles of the production. On the contrary, I find it typical of the sentimental, allegedly kid-friendly material that he was either being saddled with or bringing on himself before Jurassic Park forced the “system” to take him seriously again. Then there is the finale, which tends to get a measure of goodwill that I have yet to muster. For me, Lithgow simply does not work in the role. I also have to say, I find the gremlin strangely ineffective. Much of the time, you really can’t see the damn thing, and when you can, its wonky design borders on comical rather than threatening (yes, even compared to the suit they put Nick Cravat in…). The only thing that his improved my opinion after several viewings is the surreal camerawork, which at its best achieves a “comic book” feel akin to Creepshow. I can put in an extra good word for John Dennis Johnston as the quite sympathetic pilot, who really comes close to being in the right even with the gremlin.

Now I still have the “one scene”, and I finally went with the opening of the best segment. The teacher comes into a diner, where Anthony is playing Tempest (see… Night of the Comet?). The proprietor behind the counter is none other than everyone’s favorite cameo actor, Dick Miller (Night of the Creeps, Terminator, etc). He’s as entertaining as ever with more meat than usual as he charms the lady, throwing out multiple franchise references in the process. Meanwhile, an adult male patron becomes disgruntled at interference on a TV screen. In a curious bit of foreshadowing, he accuses Anthony of causing the static. The situation only escalates when the proprietor dismisses him. Finally, the patron takes matters into his own hands. As often happens, what follows is less interesting than the buildup. Does this mean that the townspeople suspect that Anthony is different? If so, does this also mean that Anthony’s abilities are weakened or largely nullified away from the house? Either way, why hasn’t anyone come to look for people who must be missing? Perhaps his powers are still effective enough to make people disregard the matter, or perhaps that is where some of the captives came from. As usual, no more will be said about it, which just makes it more interesting.

In closing, I would usually be defending the rating. This is one where there is simply too much baggage for me to venture a rating. As a whole, it’s better than people have wanted to give it credit for. The downside is, there are also things that are actually worse. All in all, that’s a pretty accurate representation of the series it’s based on. You can take it or leave it, but it’s time we stopped ignoring it. With that, I can find a little peace.

Image credit The Legendary VHS (Tumblr).

Movie Mania: Most heroicest movie tracks!!!

 I'm two days behind on blogging, and I'm trying to hold down my fiction post count, so here's something a bit different. I'm doing a rundown of the most heroic movie score tracks, at least from the eras and genres of films I usually cover. Here's my list in top 10 format, with a bit of handicapping to avoid overrepresentation of composers or franchises.

10. Action Pack/ "Peter Changes His Mind", Simon Haseley, Dawn of the Dead-  I covered this extensively in my Dawn/ Day of the Dead soundtrack post and video. A tough-as-nails SWAT trooper contemplates self-termination, decides to kill zombies instead. It gets made fun of, and I have joined in, but it's a textbook case of cheesy/ "bad" music that really works. What could be more life-affirming than plowing through the undead hordes to literal football music?

9. "Klendathu Drop," Basil Poledouris, Starship Troopers-  The space troopers invade a planet of Bugs, get slaughtered. It's great music with enough of an edge to fit the themes. And the cover is, ah, different...

8. "Futile Escape", James Horner, Aliens- I couldn't avoid this one. The Colonial Marines make a fighting retreat from the xenomorph swarm, get picked off one by one starting with Bill Paxton. It's not as popular as "Ripley's Rescue", but it ups the game for a sequence that ratchets up the tension as things go from bad to worse. Also proves Horner could compete with the best on the law of averages.

7. "The Asteroid Field", John Williams, The Empire Strikes Back- The Millennium Falcon runs from the Empire through a swarm of deadly space rocks. The best incidental music from the greatest science fiction film of all time by the most accomplished science fiction/ adventure composer, and we're still not even in the top 5...

6. Star Trek First Contact/ Main Theme, Jerry Goldsmith- A showdown with the Borg is introduced with a surprisingly subtle opening. The composer of the "Next Gen" theme returns with a theme that's truly noble. Oh yeah, I wrote this one up for my Revenant Review ebook that I'm still waiting for someone to buy.

5. Conan the Destroyer/ Main Theme, Basil Poledouris- The second movie featuring the most famous sword-and-sorcery hero opens with an epic opening theme. You can argue whether the movie is better than the first one (it is), but the soundtrack is among the very best from an underrated composer. And see the movie review and expanded soundtrack post...

4. "Ride of the Firemares," James Horner, Krull- A band of heroes race against time to the evil overlord's teleporting castle on magic horses. The effects aren't great, but the music is epic. See my soundtrack post while you're at it...

3. "Building the Crate", John Powell and Harry Gregson-Williams, Chicken Run- Claymation chickens race to build an aircraft before their owner completes a machine to make them all into pot pies. It's a masterpiece of frenetic energy with real emotional weight. The moral in case you missed it, we're all the chickens.

2. Superman/ Main Theme, John Williams- The most epic theme from the master. Just because it's virtually impossible for the hero to lose doesn't mean he can't be awesome.

1. "Entr' Acte", Jerry Goldsmith, Patton- The high point of the soundtrack that convinced me that Goldsmith was as good as Williams. It's the essence of victory; what more is there to say?

And that's really all I wanted to do for this. Things like this are why I love movie music as much as I love movies. If anything, it may seem like I'm not being as eclectic as I usually am, but that's because the very best movies are the ones that tend to go above my radar. As an extra, here's an updated playlist covering most of this list plus a few surprises. While I'm at it, here's the one I'm proudest of (after the one that's literally one song), my Poledouris playlist. That's all for now, more to come.

The Franchise File 2: The one with Gremlins in an arcology skyscraper

 

 

Title: Gremlins 2: The New Batch

What Year?: 1990

Classification: Weird Sequel

Rating: It’s Okay! (3/4)

 

As I write this, it’s Halloween, and I haven’t done nearly as much as I usually would with movies on or off the blog. I still have time for one more shot, and there is something I’ve been waiting for. It’s another case of a 1990s sequel to a 1980s movie (see Predator 2), one which never seems to have been either well-regarded or particularly notorious. To me, however, it has always been the most interesting and in many ways the best. I present Gremlins 2, a movie about monsters in an arc scraper, and that’s just the start of the fun.

Our story begins with a developer trying to buy the mysterious shop of the original film, where a certain creature called Gizmo has settled back into a peaceful life watching TV. When the old shopkeeper dies, a skyscraper soon rises on the grounds of the old property. It’s not an ordinary building, but an AI-controlled artificial ecology with a range of businesses, including a genetics lab where Gizmo is held prisoner. When his old friend Billy is hired by the developer Mr. Clamp, the do-gooder helps the creature escape. Before they can complete their getaway, the Mogwai gets splashed with water, causing him to spontaneously reproduce a group of mean, warped offspring. Soon, the spawn transform into scaly Gremlins intent on mayhem. When they get into the lab’s projects, they mutate further, into the likes of a flying gargoyle, a giant spider and an intelligent Brain ready to act as leader and spokesman in their conquest of the world. It’s up to Billy and Gizmo to save the day- with a little help from Dick Miller!

Gremlins 2 was a 1990 film by Warner Bros and Amblin Entertainment, a direct sequel to the 1984 film Gremlins (see also Critters). The film was again directed by Joe Dante (see InnerSpace), with writer Chis Haas replacing Christopher Columbus. The film starred Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates, returning as Billy and Kate, with John Glover as Daniel Clamp. Other cast included Robert Picardo (Dead Heat), Christopher Lee (Horror Express) and Dick Miller (Night of the Creeps, Terminator), the last returning as Mr. Putterman despite the character’s implied death in the first film. Effects were created by Rick Baker (see King Kong 1976). The soundtrack was composed by Jerry Goldsmith (see Deep Rising, Link, etc, etc.). A novelization was written by David Bischoff, with a significantly different ending. An NES game was released by Sunsoft. The movie was a box office disappointment, earning under $42 million against a budget of up to $50M. It is currently available for streaming on multiple platforms.

For my experiences, was a film I was aware of at an early age but didn’t see firsthand until adulthood, which I suppose contributed to my feelings about it. After I did see it, it quickly came in very high on my list of movies that people would probably expect me to like far more than I do. I don’t by any means dislike it, but I find it to have a strange vibe that probably would have failed to connect with me as a 1980s kid or an adult. Meanwhile, I was interested enough in the sequel to watch it at about the same time as the original. It immediately impressed me as a sequel that went in different and creative directions. Beyond that, it fit my tastes better than the first film ever did, in no small part because it really is more of a “straight” monster movie. Whether that makes it “better” is exactly what I have been asking myself going into this review.

Moving forward, the obvious upgrades are the arcscraper environment and the ensemble supporting cast. On both fronts, there are things to nitpick. The arcology angle isn’t that developed, but as a playground for the Gremlins, it’s as fleshed out as it needs to be. (I'll admit I pretty much ripped this off for the Eurypterids adventure.) In certain respects, the modesty is a plus; it’s especially noteworthy that the building isn’t played up as bigger than anything actually in existence then or now. There’s more to criticize in the uneven use of the cast, especially Lee as Gizmo’s captor. To me, the character feels like a “twist villain” in reverse, shoehorned into the beginning instead of the end. His high point comes in the faceoff with the Brain, alas never followed up with redemption or comeuppance in the finale. On the flip side, there are delights I couldn’t shoehorn into my cast list, including Keye Luke, whom I shouted out in Dead Heat, as Gizmo’s original owner and Robert Prosky as Grandpa Fred, a sort of cross between April O’Neal and John McClain. Glover handily steals the movie as the semi-sympathetic Clamp, even if his real-life counterparts are no longer funny. (It gets a lot more awkward in the deleted scenes…) The real highlight is Miller in a fairly substantial role. (Well, the Gremlins don’t kill him with a gun he just sold them…)

Then there are the creatures, and this is where the back and forth comes in between the two films. The Gremlins aren’t quite as menacing as they were in the original, though that means a more even tone for the technological mayhem, and the most dangerous of the lot feels like he was written to be far more prominent. On the other hand, the mutants are mostly an improvement, except for the female (who judging from the book must have been toned down from earlier versions of the script). Many high points come from the Brain, voiced by the late Tony Randall of The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao; “one scene” honorable mention is definitely in order for his psychotic “interview” with Fred. (“Was that civilized?...”) For me, it’s Gizmo who comes up a little short, perhaps more so than before. What I could never buy into was the many pop culture references with the Gremlins, if anything ramped up here. I have never found it more worthwhile than the underexplored questions raised when the concept is considered straight. It would have been especially intriguing to see an exploration of the real relationship between Gizmo and his (???) offspring. Do they turn on him because he is not like him? Is he vulnerable simply because he feels enough parental love that he doesn’t want to fight back? Or is this all as “natural” as black widows eating their mates and unborn sharks devouring their siblings? (Yeah, that happens…)

Now for the “one scene”, I’m going with an early moment. Gizmo is in the lab, being examined by a pair who could be either twins or clones. In fact, that’s Don and Dan Stanton, the twin brothers who appeared as the ill-fated guard and the T1000 in Terminator 2. When Lee’s Dr. Catheter (I did not want to print that) comes in for a tour, they let Gizmo out. The pair then turn on music, and bob along as Gizmo does a dance. It all feels as natural as his behavior left to his own devices in the first movie. However, he slowly gets closer to the edge of the table, until he suddenly makes a break for it. He barely builds up speed before Lee catches him. We get a perfect closeup of Lee as he holds up Gizmo for inspection. It’s a great moment, and perhaps enough from a great actor.

In closing, I come as usual to the rating, and this is one I could have rated even higher than I have. I just couldn’t quite talk myself into giving this the highest rating. On the whole, I would probably have given the original movie no less and no more, which I will admit is the fairest assessment of their quality. There are many ways in which the present film improves on its predecessor, but the real reason it does as well as it does is because of how many good ideas the original film offered to work with. My verdict on the franchise is that this is a case of “good enough” being just fine. These may never have been great movies, but they are memorable enough to endure as classics. That’s enough for me to end the Halloween season on a high note.

Image credit GoodReads. 

Movie Mania: Predator soundtracks!

 

It's Halloween weekend, and I still haven't gotten the nominal Thursday post up. This time, I have something I was waiting on. In the last month, I ordered the soundtracks for both Predator movies (see my Predator 2 review). Here's a rundown on how they compare. First up, here's a pic of the original soundtrack and insert.

Now, I really need to back up. I'm as much a soundtrack fan as I am a movie fan, and I can boast of knowing all the major guys from the 1970s through the '90s by both their names and their work. As a further consequence, I'm pretty good at recognizing composers without looking things up or waiting for the credits. The thing is, it's a trick whose results vary. Just for example, it's not hard to recognize James Horner (see the Krull soundtrack post), who had a certain vocabulary of cues he would usually work in. On the other hand, I've never pinned down Basil Poledouris (see the Conan the Destroyer and Starship Troopers soundtracks), the composer I've come to praise most often and highly. The composer I've had the highest success rate with is the one behind these soundtracks, Alan Silvestri, otherwise best known for the Back to the Future franchise. Just among the movies I've reviewed, I ID'ed him in Death Becomes Her, and I had already known he scored Mac And Me. Looking through my files, I found more that he composed that I hadn't remembered: Judge Dredd, The Wild (you really can't win them all), and The Mummy Returns. I still wondered if there were a few I had left unmentioned, so I checked his filmography. I was a little surprised not to find any more.

Moving forward, the disc I have here is actually the second release of the Predator soundtrack, put out in 2010 by Intrada. To my surprise, it has never been released as a digital album, so prices can be quite high. I got it by making an unopposed bid to a seller overseas. As a further reminder, I don't generally collect these things because I'm some techno-Luddite, but because it is far too often the only way to get what I'm looking for. There's really not a lot to say about the music itself. If you know the movie or the composer, it's everything you would expect. It's a little under an hour and 15 minutes, which is at least good background noise for the buck. The high points go with the build-up to the action sequences, capturing a sense of mischief that runs through the composer's work. If there's a downside, it's that there is little to remind you where in the film it would be. The nifty extra is the insert booklet, which has the feel of what they would have done if this had come out in the 1980s. Here's a couple pics of the contents.

Next up is the second album, which did get a "vintage" release by Varese Sarabande, an outfit that released the first version of the Predator soundtrack in 2003. It's 45 minutes long, so not quite as much return on the investment, though it's not as expensive as the original, either. As I commented when reviewing the movie, the music is improved as much as it could be improved, with a cool Afro-Caribbean vibe. If anything, it ramps up a bit for the finale, showing that the composer was getting better. Here's a few pics.

And that's really enough for me. I love movie soundtracks, and this is from a guy whom I would have expected to cover a lot sooner. (Also, Silvestri is still alive and active.) He may not be on anybody's best list (I would count him as about number 5 for his era, and Williams and Goldsmith were already tied for 1), but his music is distinctive and genuinely fun. It's exactly what you would expect from good movie music and good music period. That's all for now, more to come!

Featured Creature: The one that was a sequel to a remake

 

 

Title: The Mummy Returns

What Year?: 2001

Classification: Weird Sequel/ Mashup

Rating: What The Hell??? (2/4)

 

In the course of my reviews, my hardest and fastest rule has been that “franchise” movies are not my thing. As a corollary, given the choice, I have usually favored sequels over whatever movie kicked things off. With this review, I have a case where I debated right up to when I started writing whether to cover the original or its sequel. (For that matter, I had considered it back when I was doing the Revenant Review.) What settled the matter in my mind was which one fit this feature best, and the verdict was for the sequel. I present The Mummy Returns, a movie that might well be the reason a franchise didn’t get off the ground.

Our story begins after another overlong prologue with our hero and heroine, Rick and Evie, back to high-pulp hijinks in search of Egyptian artifacts with a precocious kid in tow. Meanwhile, the secondary villainess Anck-Su-Namun has assumed a living body and set out to resurrect her consort Imhotep once again. This time, however, the object of their quest is the tomb of the Scorpion King seen in the prologue, a god-king who traded his soul for an invincible army of jackal-headed demon warriors. Imhotep and his expendable minions know the secret location of the tomb, but the nosy kid has the key to open it. When the bad guys capture the kid, it’s a race to the finish, with the world purportedly at stake, but if time runs out, whoever holds the keywill die!

The Mummy Returns was a 2001 film written and directed by Stephen Sommers (see Deep Rising), a sequel to 1999’s The Mummy, a loose remake of the 1932 film starring Boris Karloff. Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz returned as Rick and Evelyn, with Arnold Vosloo also reprising his role as Imhotep. Dwayne Johnson appeared in his first feature role as the Scorpion King. The soundtrack was scored by Alan Silvestri, replacing Jerry Goldsmith. The sequel was a financial success, earning $435 million against a $98M budget, but received poor reviews. The next nominal entry in the franchise was the 2002 film The Scorpion King, a prequel/ spinoff starring Johnson that did not feature or reference other characters and events from the earlier films. The next direct sequel, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, was delayed until 2008. No other development was attempted until the 2017 film The Mummy, an attempt at an independent remake of the Karloff film. All 3 films remain available on digital platforms.

For my experiences, the real background here is my view of sequels and why I usually favor them for review. My primary rationale was that I am concerned with obscure, neglected or notorious films, which is obviously a common fate of sequels. My deeper feeling, however, has always been that sequels are often far more interesting, for better or for worse. It’s here where ideas either flourish or crash and burn. In my unpopular opinion, many of the most reviled sequels are in fact the most genuinely creative, for better or worse, though that doesn’t stop people from criticizing them as lazy cash grabs. With the present franchise, what brought it on my radar was the unaccountable degree to which it has seemed to fade from memory. The first one was an end-of-an-era hit that blew everyone away; the second was a commercial success that didn’t make waves; and the third was too late to have made a difference either way. After acquiring all three by chance, I decided it was time to dive in, so I watched the two that mattered back to back. My strongest reaction was that this was the one that “should” have been the best, and the reason I am reviewing it is to analyze why it certainly was not.

Moving forward, this is first and foremost a sequel that goes far enough to change the very genre boundaries of its franchise. That, in turn, accounts for most of its comparative virtues. Beneath its humor and derring-do action, the first movie was still very much a horror film, to a degree that may prove uncomfortable for anyone coming back to it out of VHS-era nostalgia. The second installment comes much closer to fantasy. The crumbly undead, the creepy crypts and the body-horror beetles are all still here, yet the Lovecraftian terrors no longer outmatch the spirit of Robert E. Howard heroism. Of course, there’s still room to argue where this fits along the perforated lines of fantasy. The early rematch with the warrior mummies on the streets of London answers to urban fantasy, which was still catching on in film. The lush enchanted jungle that sprouts around the golden pyramid achieves the sense of wonder of high sword and sorcery, with overtones of “lost world” science fantasy. Then there is the completely incongruous airship, which feels like it drifted in straight from a steampunk anime. The fairly obvious problem is that these elements come together into a finale that seems more routine and formulaic now than it really was at the time, conspicuously the onslaught of the Anubis warriors that were in fact on screen months before the orc hordes of Lord of the Rings.

With those pros and cons laid down, it is still baffling why the movie doesn’t work far better than it does. The easy blame falls upon the characters, though even here, things are not so simple. Fraser is still at the top of his game. The romance of the villain and villainess is if anything more poignant than before, with a truly heartbreaking twist at the very end. The supporting cast members remain highly engaging, especially John Hannah as Evie’s never-do-well brother.  (Rick’s musing on why people so far unknown to him are trying to kill his in-law was up there for “one scene” material.) That leaves Weisz as Evie, and here, we are definitely in the right neighborhood. The most obvious issue is that Evie gets the worst of the movie’s mishmash of incompatible theology and mythology, complete with a gratuitous cat fight in ancient Egypt. (Occultists have long complained, nobody with past-life experiences ever “remembers” being a slave.)  While this is clearly no fault of the character or the actress, the resulting empty screen time reveals certain limitations that were probably already there the first time around. Before, Evie was the exposition generator in the first half and the damsel in the second. This time, the reincarnation mumbo jumbo just serves as a hasty substitute for real development, and the payoff is no better than if she stayed behind in the library.

That brings me to the “one scene”, and I’m going with the one that’s random even for a movie like this. At the onset of the finale, the heroes and the villains discover the magic jungle in the midst of the desert. As the minions fan out, one suddenly disappears into the brush, then another. Then one peers among the roots of a tree, where a close-up reveals a face that seems made of parchment. Suddenly, it comes to life with a screech as a sort of pygmy zombie pounces. It’s the first glimpse of the most cunning and ornery undead in the whole movie if not the franchise. Of course, there are many more, though they still manage to stay out of sight. Soon enough, they close in on Imhotep, who merely gestures. There’s real expression on the grungy faces as they pause and then retreat. Still, there’s ambiguity that invites more analysis that was presumably intended. Is Imhotep able to command these fellow undead by his knowledge or power? Are they actually afraid of him? Or have they simply assessed that they’re better off going after easier prey? The questions are quickly left behind in the quite memorable battle that unfolds, but as always, it’s the little details that matter.

In closing, what I find myself coming back to is the bigger picture on sequels. This has long been an almost reflexively cited “bad” sequel, and I can personally attest, it was every bit as unpopular when it came out. Yet, as I have outlined here, there is very little that can be considered “that bad”, and that too is in line with what people were already saying at the time. The real bottom line is that a sequel is subject to a literal double standard. If it plays it safe and repeat the formula of the original, it is quite justly dismissed as unoriginal. If it actually breaks new ground, however, it is liable to be condemned at least as harshly as somehow unfaithful to the source. Worst of all, per my standing rant, it remains far too convenient for casual commentators to smear them all with the same brush. With an entry like this, we can get to the real problems, if anyone will have the conversation. It’s not great, it’s not awful, it’s certainly not unimaginative; it just feels not quite complete, which is exactly what you get when the shots are called by people who only care about making more money. Most importantly, it shows the real cost when initially promising properties are pushed forward too fast, too far and/ or in an entirely wrong direction. For the world we have to live in, we are at least left with one great movie and one that’s good enough. (And heck, The Scorpion King is good fun!) I for one am glad to have come back to it, and glad to be done.

No Good Very Bad Movies Countdown 4: The one that's the worst Trek movie

 

 Title: Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier

What Year?: 1989

Classification: Weird Sequel

Rating: Guinnocent!!! (Unrated/ NR)

 

With this review, I’m up to 30 for this feature, dedicated to the actual worst movies. As it happens, what I’ve been ready to vent about is what really happens when I find a movie that I deem actually too bad to review, something that has happened even with material under consideration here. The thing that’s hard to explain is that few if any are much worse than the ones I have reviewed (Ingagi already broke through that subbasement); the real difference is what I can work with. Most of the ones I pass over are, as I have ranted before, are so obviously incompetent that I simply spare them. The less benign are the ones that are too muddled to offer a message or point to comment on. Then there is a remnant of films that are just so dull and irritating that I won’t go back for sustained analysis even to complain about them. You could call it my secret pain, and that’s as good an introduction as any to a film anyone following me this long probably knew was coming, Star Trek 5, or Kirk Vs. God.

Our story begins with a Messianic figure with pointy ears on a desert planet where the only tech seems to be improvised weapons. We then catch up with Captain Kirk, roughing it in the wilderness with Spock and McCoy when they are summoned for an important mission: A revolt has broken out on the desert planet, revealed as a “planet of galactic peace” where the Federation’s idealism has gone more awry than usual, and a Federation diplomat is among the hostages. Rather than assign the job to a captain that’s already out there, or give Captain Kirk a lesser vessel that presumably works, he’s sent out on the new Enterprise, which even Mr. Scott admits is barely ready for a shakedown cruise. Kirk and the crew still handily defeat the rebels, only to be double-crossed by the hostages. He’s handed over to the Messiah, a heretical Vulcan named Sybok who has reverted to emotion and religion. But capturing a starship is just a stepping stone on a greater quest to travel to the dangerous galactic core, to a planet that he believes to be Eden- and just maybe the home of God!

Star Trek V: The Final  Frontier was a 1989 science fiction/ adventure film from Paramount, directed by William Shatner. The choice of Shatner to direct was reportedly the result of an earlier agreement reached after Nimoy directed the previous two films. The story, partially credited to Shatner, had similarities to the original series episode “The Way To Eden” and unused concepts developed for Star Trek: The Motion Picture.  The film starred Shatner and other series cast, with David Warner (see Cross Of Iron) as the Federation ambassador. The role of Spock’s half-brother Sybok was reportedly offered to Sean Connery, before being given to Laurence Luckinbill. The soundtrack was composed by Jerry Goldsmith, returning for the first time since the original film. The film suffered numerous difficulties in production, including a wider screenwriters’ strike, budget cuts, and the withdrawal of ILM due to other commitments. The film was released in mid-1989, with the best opening weekend in the franchise history up to that point, but its box office declined in the face of poor reviews and criticism from fans, with a final gross of $63 million against a $33M budget. Shatner has continued to direct for film and television, including the 2012 “Trekkie” documentary Get A Life.

For my experiences, this is a film I absolutely remember seeing in the theater, and for kid me, it didn’t really make that strong an impression. I usually laughed at the clearly intentional jokes, I was moderately intrigued by its concept, and as far as I can remember, I liked Sybok. In all the time since, what has kept me fascinated is the vast lore of just how much went wrong this one, which by all accounts is literally everything. With time, the backstory has become more fascinating than the film itself could ever have been, to me on the level of Greek tragedy. It’s obvious from the final product that Shatner wasn’t ready to direct a feature film, and he had nobody but himself to blame for getting there. On the other hand, once he showed his heroic hubris, the studio gods clearly and actively did everything possible to set him up to fail on an epic and hilarious scale. It’s all the beauty of a 12-car pile-up, and that still leaves the film itself to consider.

Moving to the film itself, this is really the kind of film that gets hard for me to work with. If there’s anything to say in its defense off the bat, it’s that the most genuinely nonsensical elements of the story are already at “noise level” for the franchise. The actions of Starfleet and the cast are no more or less irrational than usual, to the point of repeating several plot holes I ranted about way back when I was roughing up Trek 3. What’s more problematic that Sybok’s plan doesn’t really check out, either. He doesn’t do anything with the Enterprise that he couldn’t hire a Harry Mudd or Cyrano Jones to do for him. (Why the Hell weren’t they in the movies?) If he really needed Starfleet’s help, all he really needs is enough tithing converts to make the Federation pay attention. (Surprise, a franchise created by a 1960’s secular humanist is bad at religion and politics...) One more thing I find worthy of attention is the surprising level of humor, which I usually reckon a chronic weak point for the franchise and especially the original series. Here, there’s slapstick that’s for the kids at best, yet there’s also some very sophisticated satire, especially when Kirk talks back to the wrathful deity. Then there’s real insight into Kirk’s character when he counters Sybok’s mysticism, culminating in one of my favorite lines of the entire franchise, “I need my pain!”

On the con side, the obvious issue is simply that this film needed more money and definitely needed ILM’s talent, and considering that Wrath Of Khan only cost $12 million, the studio didn’t even get a bargain. The limitations when compared to the previous films are so stark that certain scenes look like they could literally have come from the original TV series. What’s all the more unfortunate is that some of these remain very effective, notably the Enterprise crossing the galactic barrier. By comparison, far too many of the “bad” effects, especially of the Klingon ships, are really only undone by wonky matte work and other quite subtle problems that break the “realism” without crossing back over into true stylization. The frustration factor peaks with the finale, which otherwise goes a long way to redeeming the film by sheer bonkers. It’s here that comparison with the original series is most starkly unfavorable. If you had told an old-school effects guy like Wah Chang to portray an angry god on a TV-episode budget, it might have looked “campy” even by ‘60s standards, but it could have worked, dammit, where this certainly does not. What twists the knife for me is that I can still “remember” the effects as far better than they really are, perhaps from a few fleeting moments that rise above the rest, which just goes to show that engaging the audience’s imaginations is better than all the money in the world.

That still leaves the “one scene”, and I’m going with what are really a couple moments. After taking control of the Enterprise, Sybok gives a speech on the universal belief in a paradise he identifies with both Eden and a Vulcan tale of Shaka Ri, praising the value of emotion in the process. That sets off a discussion of a barrier around the core of the galaxy, which Kirk insists no ship can cross, even though the Enterprise went through pretty much the same thing leaving the galaxy in the original series. Skip forward just a little, and Kirk has made his way back to the captain’s ready room, only to find Sybok waiting. Sybok then gives a more intimate speech, asserting that the barrier is an illusion that he seems to think is created or given power by fear. In the process, he states that humans once believed the Earth was flat, but “Columbus proved it was round”. What I find vaguely fascinating is that I have personally read works from before the original series aired that disproved this piece of absolute nonsense. My “head canon” here is that the learned Vulcan certainly knows his history is off, but is still running with it for the rhetorical point. And that gives an unsettling angle on his character, undoubtedly sincere but still willing to fudge facts if it will dispel doubt.

In closing, what I come back to is the long-running question I opened with, what makes a movie “too bad” to review. On a certain level, the present movie has been a borderline case. By any objective criteria, it’s every bit as bad as people have said, I will even admit the “worst” of the Trek movies. Its obvious weaknesses, however, were a major reason why I looked elsewhere for review material, particularly in the further light of its established notoriety; for real insight on when and why the series went wrong, I looked deeper. At the same time, I absolutely did not accept that it was “worst” in terms of actual entertainment value. Just compare it to the other “odd” Trek movies I’ve had on the chopping block. It wasn’t a studio cash grab. It wasn’t preachy or formulaic. It wasn’t actually boring. To give my big rant (see my worst movies list), it wasn’t so completely unmemorable that kids like me grew up unaware of its very existence beyond the fact that the other movies started with Trek 2. It’s on that basis that I give it the “unrated” ranking, simply to denote a film that is more than the sum of its limitations. With that, I can call it a night.

Image credit Simon And Schuster.

Movie Mania: Top 10/ 20 best movies reviewed!

 

As I write this, I’m just about to his 200 movie reviews, without doing anything to monetize my work, and I decided to do something different, that is, what everybody else who does what I do does sooner or later: Assemble a list of the best movies I’ve reviewed.  This might seem either Herculean or moot, given the quality of the movies I usually review. In fact, a good part of the list that’s been emerging in my mind are ones I knew would be here as soon as I reviewed them, usually because I normally wouldn’t have reviewed them. The rest have tended to follow naturally by reputation as much as quality, though parts of this are still fuzzy. So, here comes the top 10 list, not necessarily in order but definitely by tier.

 

1.     They Live- A movie so good and successful I reviewed it on the technicality that there was a comic book. Two guys discover that aliens have secretly conquered the world and fight back. It’s a bona fide cult classic that’s become a mainstream success. Top of the line.

2.     Galaxy Quest- Another cult movie that went mainstream. The washed-up cast of a science fiction show are recruited for a real war by aliens who think their adventures are history. High-level snark turns into an effective tribute to Trek and the serials and B-movies that influenced it. Good fun, with lots of laughs and real heart.

3.     Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger- An old personal favorite, the swansong of the great Ray Harryhausen. The titular sailor goes on a voyage to a polar lost world to cure a prince transformed into a baboon. It’s Harryhausen at the top of his game with the baboon prince, a troglodyte and an assortment of monsters. A good and beautiful thing.

4.     Deep Rising- Really tied for three, another all-time favorite of mine. Mercenaries hired by a mysterious employer must fight their way out of a cruise ship infested by swarms of man-eating tentacle-worms. It’s a perfect blend of monster movie, action and comedy, with ILM-assisted CGI monsters and a Jerry Goldsmith soundtrack so awesome it got its own review first.

5.     Flash Gordon- My only top 5 substitution, one of the movies that got me doing this in the first place. Flash Gordon must save the Earth and Dale Arden from the over-the-top villainy of Ming the Merciless… actually, everything is over the top, including the theme song by Queen. It’s a genuinely clever tribute/ send-up and the most egregiously ‘70s thing on this list, though it happened to come out in 1980. “Flash…”

6.     Sole Survivor- One more favorite, a criminally neglected zombie movie from the director of Night of the Comet. The only survivor of a plane crash is stalked by undead assassins so stealthy only a nosey coroner notices them. It’s a polarizing movie among those who have seen it at all, worth a look wherever you can get it.

7.     The Hidden- Another bona fide cult movie. A mind-controlling alien goes on a crime spree in a series of hosts, just ahead of a cop and a federal agent with his own secret. It’s half sci fi, half police procedural, all action, with a surprising satirical bite.

8.     Krull- One more “favorite” that I spent years finding. When world of swords and sorcery is invaded by the sentient fortress of the Beast and his biomechanoid warriors, a prince leads a motley band on a quest to rescue his bride. It’s a fine piece of 1980s fantasy, with another awesome soundtrack.

9.     Terrorvision- My only other substitution on this list, a classic from the Band Crew. A kid fights an alien that climbed out of a satellite TV box, while his parents are more concerned with their swinger party. It’s dumb but fun with an edge, greatly improved by a very creepy monster, tongue-in-cheek performances from Mary Woronov and Gerrit Graham, and a bonkers theme song. Whoop, whoop…

10.  The Last Starfighter- Maybe the most iconic movie I’ve reviewed. A teenage guy discovers that his favorite video game is really a test for an interstellar Federation analog, and ends up flying their prototype fighter in the counterattack. It’s the definitive ‘80s movie, spiced up by Daniel O’Herlihy and Robert Preston.

 

An immediate word in order on this list is that there are certain movies I’ve excluded. First, I’ve chosen to look only at live-action theatrical films, so there’s no animation and no TV movies. Second, I haven’t adjusted the list for my most recent reviews, so I passed over Dragonslayer and a few others. Third, I set aside several films that I reviewed under very special circumstances, several of which I declined to give a rating. With all these adjustments, it still came out with the lineup I would have expected. 

 

The depressing lesson from this list is that my first and most extensive feature, Space 1979, barely got into the top 5, though I had no trouble filling out the rest of the list with these entries. There also aren’t any movies that are that obscure. What intrigued me more was that there weren’t that many that I gave the highest rating, either 4 or 5 depending on the feature. I suppose this is because I’m more critical of higher-profile of movies. It also reflects that these are movies that took more real risks, which in turn meant flaws in both concept and execution. The lesson is that ambition matters.

 

Now, because I really don’t know when to quit, here’s more to make this a top 20 list.

 

11.  Hancock- Possibly the only movie that I made a feature for. A disgruntled superhero prone to doing more damage than the bad guys saves a PR agent who teaches him to relate to ordinary humanity. It’s an underrated satire that still came out ahead of much of the modern superhero movie wave.

12.  Highway To Hell- The most egregious cult movie to come on my radar. A pizza deliveryman must rescue his fiancée from the devil in a post-apocalyptic Hellscape. It’s a surrealist fantasy that didn’t have an audience in its own time, very cool and it knows it.

13.  Duel- Narrowly removed for the top 10, the greatest TV movie ever. An unseen trucker chases everyman David Mann in the directorial debut of Steven Spielberg. It’s pure adrenaline with a side of social commentary, and that’s all it needs to be.

14.  Night of the Creeps- Classic 1980s zombie movie. Brain slugs reanimate the dead to wreak havoc on a college campus. Another action/ sci fi/ police procedural mashup, with Tom Atkins taking charge and stomping scenery.

15.  Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)- Absolutely serious. A shipwrecked UN negotiator discovers an island where animals have been uplifted into intelligent humanoids. It’s the best adaptation of a classic science fiction novel, with superb effects from Stan Winston and the embarrassingly high entertainment value of Val Kilmer being a jerk, i.e. by all indications Val Kilmer.

16.  Two Evil Eyes- Another zombie entry, the most actually obscure movie I’ve reviewed. A trophy wife and her lover hypnotize her husband to change his will and then hide his body in the freezer, but he still talks to them; followed by another tale of madness and murder allegedly based on Edgar Allen Poe. It’s included as a stand-in for several otherwise worthier works of the late, great George Romero, which is more than fair given its inexplicably overlooked status.

17.  The Wild, Wild Planet- A substitution for a well-known mainstream film, included as a twofer for films before 1970 and Italian movies. An international lawman and sexist idiot  faces a madder-than-usual scientist whose plan to perfect the human race includes fusing himself with a feisty damsel. It’s a very, very odd film I was definitely too hard on the first time around, entertaining enough for “so bad it’s good” viewing with moments that are surreal or completely unsettling.

18.  Splinter- Another very good zombie movie, and best non-animated entry from the current millennium. Carjackers and their victims are trapped in a gas station by a parasitic lifeform that reanimates humans, animals and pieces thereof. It’s body horror at its most brutal, with top-notch effects and a good cast.

19.  The Dungeonmaster- Another representative offense from the Band crew, barely bumped for Terrorvision. A hotshot computer programmer is challenged by a sorcerer, leading to a series of barely connected episodes that span time, space and genres. It’s one big pile of random from seven different directors, yet better than the sum of its parts.

20.  The Phantom Tollbooth- One from the animation category. A boy travels through a fantasy land divided between the kingdoms of numbers and words, on a quest to save the princesses of Rhyme and Reason from the demons of ignorance. It’s egregious psychedelic Sixties animation allegedly for kids, and the final effort from MGM animation.

 

With that, I’m wrapping this up. I haven’t gotten in everything I hoped, and I’m already pleading with myself to get in just one more really significant film, but I know if I keep at this, the list is going to be 200. So, I’m going to wrap this up, call it a night, and figure out what I’m going to do for my actual 200^th review. That’s all for now, more to come!