Movie Mania: My "worst" movies list

 As I write this, it’s the last weak of a rough month, and I’ve  been at home sick. I decided to use the time to do the one thing I have opposed in principle all along, a list of the “worst” movies I’ve reviewed. I already protested this concept in my own fashion just by doing a “best” list a while back. Now, I’m back for another round, and I’ve been trying to think of a way to make this different. What convinced me this was worth doing was a conclusion in parallel with my “best” list: Just as many of the movies I considered best still took a hit in ratings, many movies pulled through short of the lowest ratings, especially on my original Space 1979 scale, were at least as bad as those that got them. What interested me was whether things would be that different if I did things over again. So, here’s my list, and I’m going to start with the dishonorable mentions.

1.       Star Trek The Motion Picture- I absolutely mean it, and the fact that it’s just the runnerups should give an idea what we’re in for. Not quite the worst of the very few “franchise” movies I’ve reviewed, but the muddled story and hopeless pacing make up the difference in sheer frustration. The big bonus is that it doesn’t have the excuse of being a “threequel” or higher.

2.       Alien 2- A movie that did get the lowest rating, a mediocre knockoff with the chutzpah to pose as an actual sequel. Competent enough to ignore, if not for padded running time and a script that was clearly rushed through to exploit a legal loophole.

3.       The Time Machine (1978)- In here to represent the TV movie category. Quite possibly the most technically incompetent entry here, its numerous individual flaws are still outweighed by the clear indifference of those who made it to the source material and objective quality in general.

4.       Creepers- Would definitely be top 5 or higher if I had made it through a complete viewing. Cut-rate killer plant effects terrorize a cast who cannot act.

5.       Death Bed- Another low point for objective quality, a demonic piece of furniture in a castle devours curiosity seekers who have no reason to be there. Incredibly cheap, barely coherent, yet too damn weird to evaluate on any terms but its own.

And now, the real countdown…

10. Hard Rock Zombies- Quite possibly the worst film to be rated on my Revenant Review feature and scale. A very tame hair metal band is brough back to life by their fans, setting off a localized zombie apocalypse. Isolated bursts of creativity are lived down by distasteful themes and a non-existent story.

9. Sleepwalkers- The most actually offensive movie here, .and my nomination for worst Stephen King movie. A mother/ son pair of immortal vampires live it up between kills; bonus for vintage instrumental abuse.

8. The Nest- Maybe the worst actual “B-movie” to get on my radar. A town is terrorized by insects colony that evolve into humanoid impostors. Cheap but creative effects bring it up to 2/5.

7. Santa Claus The Movie- Easily the worst “big budget” film to get here, from Superman franchise offenders Alexander and Ilya Salkind. A promising update of the myth buries itself in second-hand nostalgia and inexplicably bad effects.

6. Space Mutiny- Yes, we’re still not even in “top” 5. A braindead jock and his lady love fight mutineers and stolen Cylon footage for control of a generation ship. Competent acting keeps it out of the basement.

5. Z.P.G.- A major reason I decided to do this (see The Last Child), the perfect storm of iffy production values, contrived melodrama and conceptual stupidity. Attractive white new parents are hunted by the authorities of a dystopian police state that doesn’t seem to know literally anything about reproductive medicine. Stupid, stupid, so stupid…

4. Man-Thing- A surprise from the current millennium, and one of my most recent reviews. Corporate goons and semi-random bystanders are picked off by a mysterious ecologically themed monster. Halfway-decent creature/ gore effects don’t hide a story that’s nothing happening to characters we care nothing about.

3. Inseminoid- One of my very first reviews, still one of the worst. A cowardly and incompetent starship crew is routed by a woman pregnant with an alien’s child. Kind of a tie with the marginally more interesting Prey by the same director.

2. War of the Planets- A movie so bad I initially wrote it off as too terrible to be of interest. An obnoxious space captain faces off with an ancient supercomputer on a distant planet, wins anyway. Hits just the right combination of incompetent and actively lazy.

1. Ingagi- The clear winner from the bad old days. Stolen footage and obvious fakery is stitched together into a “documentary” supposedly showing African natives intermarrying with apes. Lazy, inept and actively evil on every possible level.

 

Now, at this point, I could have gone with more dishonorable mentions, especially if I opened this up to animation. What interested me more, however, is whether I already need to revise my “best” list, which you the readers (if any) are free to take into account in judging the present list. At the time, I decided to limit the field to the films I had reviewed through very late 2021. With further hindsight, there are indeed a few new entries, most of which I wouldn’t have tried to compare with the films that figured in my best list. You can therefore consider the following list items 21-25 for the original list.

1.       A Christmas Carol (1984)- The one of most interest, as it figures in comments I have already been called out for regarding Duel on the original list. George C. Scott as Scrooge faces off with specters of Christmas Past, Present and Future, highlighted by Edward Woodward as the middle spirit. While I absolutely stand by my assessment of Duel as “greatest” of its kind, this one will clearly serve as an example of a made-for-TV movie that is by no means technically or artistically inferior. While it could never equal the impact and influence of Spielberg’s outing, it does offer a definitive take on its already overly familiar source material.

2.       Return To Oz- The most impressive of the 1980s fantasy wave that I have been surveying in greater depth. Dorothy is back in Oz, but this isn’t the kid-friendly land of the MGM musical. I said and I will keep saying, absolutely the best treatment of the books.

3.       The Gate- A late runner-up in the 1980s fantasy wave. Two kids and a teenage girl find themselves in the path of an invasion of stop-motion demons from a portal to the netherworld. Part dark fantasy, part urban horror, all fun.

4.       The Brain That Wouldn’t Die- My tongue-in-cheek entry. A man saves his fiancee’s head is the most comprehensible thing that happens as we meet a zombie, sex workers and a possible lesbian in the world of ca. 1959 exploitation cinema. A genuine cult/ B-movie, far better than many of its kinds and perhaps deeper in its symbolism and subtexts than it actually intended to be.

5.       Cross of Iron- On this list if only because I haven’t reviewed any other like it. Nazis fight a losing battle on the Russian Front, without interrupting a feud over who will receive the titular medal. A strange, in many lights uneven film by Walter Peckinpah, with a star-studded cast including Maximillian Schell of The Black Hole and David Warner of Time Bandits.

That rounds out my list. In honesty, I don’t expect to need to revise it even as much as my “best” list. Most of the ones I have listed here are ones I reviewed or at least considered at a very early date. While I still have a few in mind that are at least as bad as those I listed here, none of them would fundamentally change the list you see here. (Also, at least one of the biggest stinkers is one I simply wouldn’t watch in entirety.) With that, I’m wrapping this up. That’s all for now, more to come!