Fiction: The Evil Possum vs Godzilla??

 It's my day off, and I didn't really get anything done, so I'm going with something I just fished out along with the Percy demo, the most epic of the incomplete adventures of No-Hands the Evil Possum, Needless to say, it's a kaiju movie parody, featuring Nickolas O'Leary the rat in his original incarnation and one more character who never quite got developed. I wrote all of this out around 2004, along with a lot more material for Percy and other characters in the original mythos. This is about half of what I can find; the rest really gets gnarly. While I'm at it, here's the link for the post with my master index for the Evil Possum adventures.

No-Hands’ halftrack rolled over a waste of cracked and crumbling concrete.  In the days when another, much larger species had ruled the Earth, it had been a freeway.  “We will reach the hostile spaceship in a few hours,” No-Hands said.  “But we shall have to gain information on the land around it from people who know the area.  HALT!” he shouted to the driver.  He then addressed a concrete outcropping:  “Usted!  Donde esta su pueblo?”

            A dwarf hamster ran away from his shelter like a fuzzy lightning bolt.  “AIEE!  Es el Diablo Sin Mano Derecho!”

            No-Hands snorted in annoyance.  “I shall have to follow him to his village and ask for directions there.  It will not take long, but it will require a certain amount of stealth and skill,” he said.  He turned to Nick.  “You wait here.”

            After No-Hands was gone, Nick climbed out of the half-track’s bed and spoke hesitantly to the driver.  “So, uh, what’s your name?”

            “Anja,” the driver responded without looking at him.  The voice sounded female.

            After a long moment of silence, Nick tried to continue the conversation.  “And, um, how  long have you been working for No-Hands?”

            She  turned and looked him squarely in the eye.  Nick flinched.  “Work for him?

I’m his WIFE.”

            There was a nervous moment of silence.  Nick furtively studied Anja.  She had the same high forehead and shortened snout that set No-Hands apart from other possums.  However, she was shorter (about 7 inches, versus No-Hands’ 8) and much more lightly built.  The fur of her  scalp was styled in a short, spiky hair cut.  “You’re one of his species,” he said.

            “Of course.”

            “Well, I, uh, thought he was the only one of his kind,” Nick said.  “That’s what everybody thinks.”

            “But for me, that misconception would probably be right,” Anja said.

            “What species are you?” Nick asked. 

            “Our species is called Archididelphis invicta,” Anja said.  “It means `unconquered  possum king’. Are you familiar with the lost Colossus of Maru?” Nick shook his head.  “That is the oldest evidence of our species.  It was made at least 3,000 years ago, and intentionally destroyed 700 years ago.  It was a 10-foot tall figure, seated on a throne of skulls.  The inscription at its base, which is the only part still around, reads `the unconquered king’.  No one knows who or what it was meant to represent, but illustrations of it clearly show that it was based on a member of our race.  Hence, our name.”

            “What happened to the rest of your species?”

            “No one knows,” Anja said.  “But it is clear from archaeological evidence that we were never many in number.   Over time, the numbers gradually dwindled.  Before Hubert turned up, those who studied us believed we had been extinct for two hundred years.”

            "`Hubert'???"

            "That is what I call my husband," she said.  "It was the name he wrote on the certificate when we were married.  I don't know why.  If anyone but me ever addresses him by that name, that person will die."

            “What were the other possums like?” Nick asked.

            “Our behavior varied, as it does with all races,” Anja said.  “But there were two types: solitary and gregarious.”

            “I see,” Nick said with a nod.

            “No, you do not.  Hubert and I are both of the gregarious type.  The solitary ones would not tolerate the company of any other being, not even each other save for the impulse to breed came upon them. They would not go anywhere near a city or village, and any wandering traveler who came to close to one of their burrows would most likely not return.  They were never seen alive by civilized vermin. To the world at large, they were known only by legends of unseen terror.

            “But the gregarious ones had enough of a social nature to enter populated areas and associate with other beings.  The ones that turn up in villages were invariably juveniles with no name and no knowledge of where they had come from.  That's how I was found, and of course that's how my husband was when they found him in the ruins of Jonesville.    Usually, the newcomer would stay in a village for a few days or a few weeks, and then disappear, never to be seen again.  But a few would stay, and learn the ways of civilization, and they would thrive.  They became great warriors, kings, master craftsmen and even artists."

            “How did you and No-Hands meet?” Nick asked. 

            “We met in the Monastery of Veritas, hundreds of miles from here.” Anja said.  “I had been a member of the order almost since my discovery.  The villagers who found me had me shipped to the monastery at public expense.  I learned to work metals and make machines, and made the monastery renowned throughout the land.  But the monks concealed me from the world, at my own request.  I wanted no visitors.  All I cared for was strong metals and fine machines.

            "No-Hands came to the monastery five years after the Jonesville Massacre.  The monks had hired him to defend the monastery from gerbil raiders.  The monks had been fending off gerbil attacks for generations, but when the raiders obtained machine guns and tanks, they decided it was time to get outside help.  In exchange for his services, they offered him the finest mechanical limbs that vermin could build."

            “I guess that job really cost them an arm on a leg,” Nick said with a nervous laugh. 

            Anja showed no reaction to the feeble joke.  As she continued, a dreamy tone crept into her voice. "We first met when I installed his hand.  Neither of us had known that another of our kind existed.  The whole time, he stared at me.  I was deathly afraid, and excited at the same time, but I knew not to let it show.  After I had attached the hand, he reached out and cupped my face in those three metal fingers.  From that moment on, I was no longer afraid.  We looked into each others' eyes- this was a long time before he lost his right eye- for a long time.  Then he said, `I see that you trust your own workmanship.  I shall return that trust.  When I have returned, come with me, and we shall see what we can make together.'  Then he walked out of the room and out of the monastery.  A few hours later, the gerbils were gone."

           

            No-Hands pulled the tarp off the object in the bed of the half-track.  It proved to be a mounted 9 mm flak gun.  “This is a two-person weapon, and the reason you are here.  You will help load shells into the cannon.  The shells are over there, clearly marked.  When I ask for something, give it to me immediately,” he said.  He bellowed at Anja, “LEFT!”

            Nick scowled.  “You could address her by name, you know.”

            “Why?” No-Hands said in genuine puzzlement.  “She knows who she is.”

            Anja braked abruptly.  The end of the miniature gulch they were traveling through was blocked by an enormous, owl-like face.  An eye as wide as the halftrack peered in.  “AP!” No-Hands shouted.

            Nick picked up the nearest shell.  “That is an HE shell,” No-Hands said without looking.  Nick dropped it and picked up another shell, marked “AP”.  By the time he had it loaded into the gun, the face had  vanished.  “It must have run away,” Nick said.

            “Unlikely,” No-Hands said.  “Full reverse!”  Anja backed up the halftrack, just in time to dodge a huge tiger’s paw that slammed down in the middle of the gulch.  No-Hands fired, striking the paw.  The maimed monster flew away, shrieking all the while.

            “More will come,” No-Hands said.  He briefly consulted his map.  “Back up and take course number 3!”  The halftrack made a short, very bumpy trip backward.  No-Hands had to grab Nick to keep him from being thrown off.  Then Anja drove into a sewer pipe at full speed.  The vehicle rode up and down the circumference of the pipe like a skateboard

            “I think I’m gonna be sick,” Nick said.

            “Do not worry,” No-Hands said.  “Your species is incapable of regurgitation.”

            “Oh,” Nick said.  He held on tight as the halftrack went up yet again.  “Actually, it would be kind of a relief to get sick.”

            The halftrack flew out of the pipe and landed tracks-first in a bed of gravel.  Anja turned sharply left, almost throwing the vehicle on its side in the process.  “Ugh.  Now I’m feeling hot,” Nick said.  “I think I have a fever.”

            “It grows hot because something is bombarding the area with a flame thrower!” No-Hands said.  “It is time to face our attackers.  Load another AP shell. Anja- move us to high ground!”

            The half-track roared up a steep and rocky slope.  A short distance away, a bipedal reptilian monster more than 10 feet tall turned to look at it.  It prepared to spray the vermin with a belch of fire, but No-Hands fired first.  An armor-piercing bullet pierced its throat and ignited the flammable liquid that it was about to use against the vermin.  The monster exploded, destroyed by its own flame.

            However, two more monsters, one on foot and one in the air, moved toward the halftrack.  An energy beam struck the ground a few feet away, melting gravel into glass.  “SMOKE!!!” No-Hands roared.  After an instant of hesitation, Nick handed him a pack of cigarettes.  No-Hands’ cold, silent stare conveyed more wrath than any words.

            Nick glanced guiltily at the shell rack.  “Oh.  Um.  Did you mean one of these shells marked `smoke'?”

            "Yes, but never mind," No-Hands said.  "Give me an HE shell."  Nick dutifully reloaded.  No-Hands fired at an airborne dragon.  The high-explosive shell was too light to kill the dragon, but it damaged a wing and sent the dragon tumbling to the ground.  "AP!"  With his next shot, he felled a primate in a diving helmet, the monster which had fired the energy beam. 

            "Wow!" Nick exclaimed.  "What's in those shells?"

            "They are made of a substance called uranium," No-Hands said.  "NOW give me a smoke shell."  He turned the gun around and fired behind him.  The resulting cloud of smoke revealed an otherwise invisible monster behind them.  The shape of the monster was impossible to discern, but it was clearly at least ten feet tall.  Without any prompting, Nick loaded an AP shell. The monster charged through the smoke with the thundering of an uncertain but disconcertingly large number of feet.  No-Hands fired, just in time.  The pounding of feet stopped.  For a moment, the blue shell seemed to hang in mid-air barely 10 yards from the halftrack.  Then, with an eerie howl, the monster fell.  The impact of its body lifted the halftrack into the air.

            "Look!" Nick shouted.  "A flower!" No-Hands turned the gun without looking up from the sight.  Almost 100 yards away, an enormous, unpleasantly textured blossom was rising up like a snake.

            "The range is extreme, but it can be done," he said.  "Incendiary!"  As Nick loaded the shell, the blossom burst open.  With a thunderous popopopopopopop, it launched a cloud of feathery seeds into the air.  Six more blossoms rose up beside it.  One was larger than all the others put together.  No-Hands fired the incendiary shell at the largest blossom, striking it just as it opened.  It exploded in a giant fireball, spraying burning seeds and chunks of rubbery plant matter  everywhere.  The entire plant was in flames, but the intact blossoms continued to spray seeds.  "We must get out of here!" No-Hands shouted.

            "Yeah," Nick said, "I'm allergic to pollen."

            Anja drove away at full speed.  One of the pea-sized seeds landed on the hood of the halftrack.   It immediately sprouted tendrils that bored into the metal.  Anja drew a flare pistol and killed the deadly seedling without comment.  

            "I fear that our best route has just been blocked," No-Hands said.  Tiny plants were sprouting everywhere the seeds landed.  Their thrashing tendrils pulverized the concrete.  Driving over them was obviously out of the question.  From the other direction, a battalion of two-foot-long ants and 12 larger monsters were approaching.  No-Hands sighed.  "It seems that I have been outthought and outmaneuvered.  It is no longer possible to reach the ship by stealth, and the chances of reaching it by force are too slim to consider. However, I have a contingency plan which may allow at least one of us to enter the ship."

            "So, what is the plan?" Nick asked.

            "Pique the curiosity of the beings aboard the ship," No-Hands said.  "If we kill enough of their monsters, they may try to study us."