Revenge of the Revenant Review 7: The first one with zombies on a train

 

Title: Horror Express aka Panic On The Transiberian

What year?: 1971 (filming)/ 1973 (US release)

Classification: Prototype/ Mashup

Rating: What The Hell??? (2/4)

 

At this point in the feature, I’ve gotten to the “undecided” column, which has less to do with what I plan to include than with what I want to cover before going back to certain other projects that I have in progress or in mind. For the most part, these are either ones I could cover elsewhere or ones I don’t own myself. Then there was one more I semi-seriously considered setting aside for the moment, for no particular reason apart from the fact that my feelings are decidedly mixed. I finally got to it now because I knew it would still take less time than anything else in the lineup. With that ringing non-endorsement, I present Horror Express, and if you decide to look it up, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Our story begins with a scientific expedition that uncovers what is described as a fossil but is really the frozen remains of an ape-man sort of creature. We learn from its very British discoverer Saxton that it is to be shipped from northern China to Russia on the Trans-Siberian Express, with his colleague Wells and a rogues gallery that includes a countess, a spy and a mad monk aboard. Things go amiss when a thief tries to break into the giant crate holding the specimen, only to collapse bleeding from his eyes when he looks at what is inside. After the train departs, another curiosity seeker tries to get a look at the specimen. Instead, the creature comes to life and escapes, apparently using the memories and knowledge of its victims to pick a lock. After several more bodies pile up, the men of science realize that the prehistoric creature can assimilate the minds of its prey through eye contact with its glowing red gaze. The danger seems to be over after an inspector kills the ape-man, but Saxton suspects that the ancient evil behind it all has merely switched to another body. As the film barrels into its finale, the being reveals one last trick up its sleeve: the ability to reanimate its victims to do its will.

Horror Express was one of an often overlooked number of ‘70s and ‘80s horror films made or coproduced by the Spanish film industry, with other examples being City of the Walking Dead, The Falling, and the long-running Tombs of the Blind Dead franchise. The Anglo-Spanish project was produced by Brit Bernard Gordon and directed by Spaniard Eugenio Martin. Per the lore/ Wikipedia, Martin maintained the film was conceived and planned around train models and sets from his earlier film Pancho Villa. Other accounts indicate it was based in part on “Who Goes There?”, the John W. Campbell novella adapted as The Thing From Another World and later The Thing. In a major publicity coup, Hammer stars Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing were cast as Saxton and Wells, along with Telly Savalas as a Cossack introduced in the final act. The film was rated R by the MPAA citing content including nudity, which does not appear to have survived in readily available versions of the film. The film is considered in the public domain, allowing numerous releases of usually low quality.

The first and foremost thing I can say about my experiences with this film is that I first bought it around 2007, on a DVD release that is (to quote the exotroopers) absolute kaka. I have literally watched silent films in better condition than this one, and anything else out there is likely to be no better. Yet, if you have watched it often enough, the garbage factor starts to seem like an integral part of the experience. It feels like Skynet sent itself back to 1984 on a VHS tape, and this movie is the 30^th generation copy of its consciousness. Or, to use a less mixed metaphor, it’s like looking at the oxidized remnants of a Greek warrior’s arms and armor. You know it was clean and whole and bright once, but somehow, it’s more satisfying to imagine it than see it.

All of these issues are just the cherry on the sundae of the film itself. You would be hard-pressed to find any aspect of the movie that isn’t weird, or awkward, or self-dating, or all of the above. There’s the wildly overcomplicated story, which still never leaves any doubt of the entity’s nature or the identity of its hosts. There’s the gore, which mostly consists of one very unsettling effect done to death. There’s the soundtrack, which feels like the weird uncle of disco. There’s the far too large ensemble cast, most of whom get killed off before they do anything of importance. There’s the extra distraction factor of Savalas, who seems like he got lost on the way back to the set of Kojak. Then there’s the bizarre dialogue, by turns charmingly clunky and mindbogglingly histrionic. On the last item, I can’t avoid mentioning perhaps the best line not only in the movie but the entire zombie genre, delivered perfectly deadpan by Cushing: “Monster? But we’re British!”

What holds the movie together, besides the inevitably good performance of Lee and Cushing, is the totally unique revenant. Pseudoscientific trappings aside, it is less like a zombie and more like a cross between a vampire and a demon, with an inexplicable touch of the Gorgon. The makeup and suit are impressive even on the junk copy, while the performer manages plenty of interesting touches, such as a pause on encountering a sleeping child. By the time the revenant’s mind has reached a human host, there is no further question of its intelligence and cunning. It is around this point that the scientists find a preposterous record of is backstory in its preserved blood, revealing that the being reached the Earth in or before the time of the dinosaurs. The arc culminates when the entity finally speaks for itself, freely describing the services it could do humanity, but only for as long as it takes to revive its servants. The sequence that ensues after that is one of several I have seen to put zombies in a vehicle or other very confining space, and easily in the top two or three most effective. The only thing I can really add is that if it wasn’t in the movie, I might not even count this one in the zombie genre.

For the “one scene”, my pick from an embarrassment of riches is the scene where the ice creature escapes. A porter, encouraged by Dr. Wells, tries to get a look inside. He whistles as he works, either undoing screws or simply drilling into the wood per Wells’ suggestion. (Did I mention my copy is lousy?) His work is interrupted for reasons not entirely clear. While his back is turned, a hand reaches through an opening and gets hold of one of the tools. When the porter returns, he finds the lock already open. He peers inside the crate, to find a glowing read eye staring back. In moments, he collapses, his own eyes turned milky white. Then, as the crate opens, the whistling resumes in the same tune, now evidently coming from the creature.

The only thing that can be said to sum up this movie is that it is all over the place. That presented the makings of a hard choice on the rating. Based on what I remembered about it, I went in ready to give it a 3. Based on what I was reminded of, especially in the early acts, I very seriously considered giving it a 1. After seeing the whole thing, however, the middle of the road was really the only choice. It might not have been great or that good, then or now, but it was competent, and it was unique beyond the wildest acid trip of imaginings. That’s enough for me to go easy, and move on.

Image credit Wrong Side of the Art.