Fiction: The Adventures of Princess Sarah demo!

 As I write this, I've been trying to work up a weekend post while it is still the weekend. After trying to build on other stuff, I finally admitted I wasn't going to do better than yet another demo I worked up as a spinoff of my retro gaming novel. It actually is an idea I've had for quite a while (see my Troll review), fleshed out with a couple characters I already had a lot of fun with. It also crossed my mind that just about everything good I've ever done has been on the fantasy/ mythology vein. So, here goes...

Princess Sarah and Prince Robert were the children of High King Hector and Queen Daffodil of the Aquamarine Isles and the united Kingdoms of the sea. Sarah was the second oldest of three little Princesses, and Robert was the youngest and the only Prince. Sarah was frustrated and suspicious that the King and Queen would not say if there would be another Prince or Princess. In the summer, when the High King liked to take his Queen on a tour of the Isles and the eldest Princess Lily was away at camp, Sarah and Robert and their sister Bell went to stay with their Grandmother, a Dowager with a great palace on the sea to the east. They loved spending time with Mummy. When they were not with her, they went on long adventures through the Palace grounds, which were full of all manner of wonders. A day came when Sarah announced that they would explore a more secluded part of the Palace.

She held up an old book with a map of the Palace. “Look,” she said, pointing at a turret on the far end of the grounds. “This is the Old Royal Bedroom. Grandma says it’s just a storeroom now. But the location is all wrong. I think there’s something interesting. Anyway, we covered the west wing already. Did you gather our provisions?”

“Frog,” Prince Robert said. He was still just beginning to talk, at an age when Sarah had already had an extensive vocabulary. He held out a purse shaped like a frog, which their mother had fitted with straps to wear on his back. Sarah sorted through the contents. The first was his favorite story book. Next were an umbrella, a tin of soup crackers and a tiny jar of pomegranate jam.  Then there was a smaller frog-shaped coin purse that had been his beloved toy before he inherited the larger one. It rattled with his Collection, a shifting assortment of objects he picked up. It held about a dozen small rocks, three marbles and a pretty seed pod. She opened a compartment in the roof of its mouth with a key Mummy had entrusted to her. It held three candies. Sarah sighed.

“Robert,” she said, “I told you, we need food, not treats….” She relented when she pulled out a sack on the bottom. It held a large roll, a lemon, two peaches, an eighth of a cheese wheel and half a sausage. Robert held out another item. It looked like another toy, shaped like a saurian with a stubby tail and a large, round head. In fact, it was a pitcher, with a lid that formed the saurian’s upper jaw. In the purse were two cups.

“Dink,” Robert said.

“Okay,” Sarah said. She shouldered her own bag, shaped like a Water Cow. “This is good. Now, let’s go.”

 

She led the way. She wore a simple checkered dress, because only little girls wore overalls like boys did. On her feet, she wore perfectly sized and entirely functional hiking boots that clomped loudly on the palace floor. Robert wore her old pair, which were dyed a salmon pink that had worn and faded down to white spots. As they proceeded, the Palace attendants discretely stepped aside. They paused when they found Mummy in their path, innocently playing with her pet ferret. “Hello, children,” she said. “Are you exploring today?”

“Yes,” Sarah said. “We’re going to survey the West Tower.”

“I see,” Mummy said. “Are you sure you want to? It hasn’t been used in a long time, it must be awfully dusty.”

“Yes,” Sarah said. “I bet the catalog is out of date. We can clean up.”

“If you say so,” Mummy said. She gestured to an attendant, who brought her a comb to groom the ferret. “Do be careful. Be sure to be back by tea time.” She waved as they entered the tower stairway.

“Bye bye,” Prince Robert called back.

The stairway proved to be a long climb. They paused at a chamber a third of the way up. It was configured as a sitting room, with a small table that held a chess board complete with pieces. Sarah measured out half the crackers, and filled their cups from Dink. While Robert munched his share, she examined the table. “I knew it,” she said, lifting the red king. “There’s no dust. Someone has been using this section recently.”

“Dink?” Robert said, holding out his cup.

“We need to conserve our water,” Sarah said, then relented and filled his tumbler halfway.

They were winded as they reached the top. It was a high-ceilinged octagonal chamber that echoed with the sound of their boots. The better part was filled by a great bed ringed by curtains. Facing it was a painting of a woman who looked like their mother. Sarah frowned as she looked up. It showed her from behind, in the act of emerging from her bath. Her head was turned back, throwing a sly smile over her shoulder. When the Princess saw Robert at her side, she said, “Go play play. Over there.” She redirected him from the bed to a celestial globe to one side. He giggled as he spun the concentric brass rings.

“Wait,” Sarah said. Her brother froze with a puzzled expression. “You weren’t being bad,” she assured him quickly. She showed him how to turn the knobs and dials properly. She frowned again. “This was tuned, recently.”

She went out onto the balcony. She opened the main compartment of her bag, which formed the belly of the Water Cow. The buckles of the strap were anchored on the tip of the tail and between its horns. She brought out her field glasses and her favorite book, the Royal Explorers’ Guidebook. “`First, survey the area from an elevated position,’” she read. She looked out with the glasses. It was, of course, all familiar landscape, though she discovered that she could see the Royal Flamingo Preserve. She helped Robert up and held the glasses for him.

“Birds,” he said.

“`Next, sketch a chart of the terrain,’” she read. She set down the glasses and took out a drawing pad. She scribbled an outline of the lagoon. “`Make particular note of usable caves and shelters, navigable waterways, and any structures of artificial origin.’” She put an X on a canal that ran back to the Palace. “`Catalog the birds and game…’” She watched the flamingos as they milled about the lagoon.

“Well,” she said with a sigh, “I guess we’ve surveyed this area.” She was mildly surprised to find that Robert was no longer at her side. She was momentarily alarmed when she did not see him behind her either. She circled the bed before she panicked, as Mother told her. Sure enough, her brother was on the other side, looking up at a large armoire.

“Leave it alone,” she said, walking to his side. “I’m sure it’s locked, anyway.” He pulled at a handle that was just within his reach. The left door came open. “Oh. Well, I’m sure there’s nothing interesting…” She opened the door, and then the other.

The armoire was in two parts. The right side was a set of drawers with a cabinet on top. They were locked, except for a pair of drawers just under the cabinet door. She pulled one out, and found it disappointingly small. The left side was an open space as large as her closet, where a suit, a fur wrap and a greatcoat still hung. Sarah tugged at the coat, and found it stiff with age. Robert pointed and whimpered. She followed his pointing finger to a curled up beetle at the back. “I see it,” she said. “Poor little bug.” He whined expectantly.

She sighed and climbed into the armoire. It seemed larger inside than outside, tall enough for Mummy or Mother or even Father to stand upright. She drew a handkerchief and carefully picked up the beetle. “There,” she said, holding up the kerchief. “We’ll give Mr. Beetle a funeral.” She shrieked at a buzzing from under the cloth. She shook out the kerchief, and the now-squirming beetle tumbled out. Before it hit the ground, it spread its wings and flew out through the open door.

“Well,” she said, smoothing her dress, “Mr. Beetle must have gotten stuck inside. It’s a good thing we opened the door, or he might never have gotten out. Let’s go back to the other room.” She climbed down, and started to push the right door shut. She paused, frowned, and opened the drawer again.

“This is too small,” she said. “It’s shallow, do you see? It can’t go all the way to the back. Not even halfway…” Robert looked intently, and nodded in seeming agreement. She opened the other drawer. From it, she pulled two keys. One was weathered brass, the other mirror-bright silver.

She went back inside the armoire. Robert followed, holding his little frog. She ran a hand along the wood paneling. The joining was artful, but could not be hidden. She knocked twice, producing a hollow rattle. She found a decorative panel that slid to one side. Behind it was a keyhole. Robert tugged at her sleeve. “No,” he said solemnly. “Frog Frog say so.” The eyes of his frog swiveled and blinked.

“Don’t worry,” Sarah said. “It’s just a trick door, like Mother’s magic drawer. Look.” She turned the brass key in the lock. The door swung open. It revealed a set of shelves. It was mostly books, most of them in strange languages and letters. On the top shelf were a bottle, a jar, a knife and a strange skull. “See? Just grown-up stuff.” She shut the door and locked it. Only when it clicked did she realize that she had used the silver key.

“Huh,” she said. “They both fit the same lock. I wonder why…” She turned the key again. The door opened…

“Sarah!” Robert called out. He grabbed for her skirt.

The hidden door clicked shut.

And slowly, the ponderous doors of the empty armoire swung shut.

Robot Revolution: The one with zombies and an evil computer

 

The one with zombies and an evil computer

 

Title: Resident Evil

What Year?: 2002

Classification: Irreproducible Oddity/ Mashup

Rating: It’s Okay! (3/4)

 

As I write this, I’m still coming out of a sabbatical from blogging that has included a complete moratorium on movie reviews. For my comeback, I decided it was time to fill out my count for this, my survey of robot/ AI movies, the feature that has done as much as anything else to keep me going. In keeping with what has been its own theme, I further decided to do something different. This time around, we have yet another murderous computer, only this time, it is technically a zombie movie. I present Resident Evil, the Patient 0 of the modern zombie movie wave, and I will be showing why the computer is much scarier than the undead.

Our story begins with an introduction to the Umbrella Corporation, a company with their own underground lab for nefarious bioweapons research, and the massacre of the staff of said facility by a series of lethal mechanisms that might or might not be working as intended. The carnage is followed up by little tasteful nudity as our heroine wakes up in the shower with no memory of where or even who she is. The story picks up momentum when the company’s paramilitary team arrives, revealing that her name is Alice and she is the custodian of the entrance to the Umbrella lab. It is also revealed that the facility has been taken over by a supercomputer called the Red Queen for reasons allegedly unknown. For no obvious reason, the team drag along Alice and a couple iffy guys they find along the way. Things go south when most of the team are wiped out by a laser cheese grater controlled by the Queen. But the real trouble starts when the survivors take the computer offline, unleashing a horde of zombified employees and a few more ugly surprises. The dwindling party must fight their way out, but they still don’t know each other’s agendas- and they may need the Queen’s help to stay alive!

Resident Evil was a 2002 horror/ action film written by Paul W.S. Anderson, based on the Capcom video game franchise of the same name. The film starred Milla Jovovich as Alice, following appearances in films including The Fifth Element (still don’t know if I can work with that one), Michelle Rodriguez and Colin Salmon as ill-fated troopers. The soundtrack was composed by Marco Beltrami and Marilyn Manson. The film was possibly the first major zombie movie of the 2000s, preceding the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead. It was a commercial success, earning a box office of over $100 million against an estimated $33M budget, though reviews were mixed to negative. It was followed by five live-action sequels, including Resident Evil: Apocalypse in 2004 and Extinction in 2007, as well as a number of direct-to-video animated films. A new live-action film, Welcome To Raccoon City, received a limited theatrical release in 2021.  Anderson and Jovovich married in 2009. Their daughter Ever has several screen credits.

For my experiences, this film and franchise has been a textbook case of a film and franchise that stayed above my radar. I conspicuously declined to cover it for The Revenant Review, though I finally gave number 3 an entry in the out-of-control ebook edition. The obvious reason for this is simply that it is a profitable and well-known series that did not require comment. Another is by all means that I completely gave up on it at number 4. But the overarching consideration is just how many categories the first movie in particular stretches across, which became an immediate problem in the question of which feature to review it under. I could have covered it for the Horror Vault, or under my still nascent adaptation feature, where I already covered the Nineties Mario movie. By the time I loaded my ancient disc, however, I had no doubt it belonged here, if only because it truly represents one of the most formidable AI antagonists of the current millennium at least.

Moving in, the central reality is that this is a film that owes all its strengths to a sustained vibe. From the settings to the creatures to the very minimalist music, this is sci-fi horror at its most cold and clinical, building and even improving on the likes of Re-Animator and Day of the Dead (see also Sole Survivor, the re-review I completely botched).  The undead themselves fit very well into this world. They are among the most malevolent and vicious revenants of the Romero/ “slow zombie” tradition, with a counterintuitive subtlety that suggests a measure of cunning. The very first of them (seen well past the 30-minute mark) is representative of the lot, at first lurching along as if merely distressed, then striking fatefully just as a target comes within reach. Of course, both the shock value and in-universe effectiveness of this behavior sharply decline as the film goes on, yet it is a consistent behavioral pattern that never fails to be unsettling. The one thing that can be counted as disappointing is that their evident ability to use tools and weapons never goes anywhere, but then by the final act they are already superseded by the surreal hellhounds and the foreshadowed mutated abomination.

In the midst of all this, the Red Queen is indeed clearly established as both the primary antagonist and by far the most formidable threat as long as “she” is online. In the context of this feature, there are especially strong parallels with The Forbin Project and of course The Lift. Even more than in the former film, the AI is completely rational in both actions and motivations and as much in the right as any of the human characters. As in the latter, the computer’s most formidable ability is its control over its arcological environment that might or might not have been originally granted by its creators. (I honestly have no opinion on whether Anderson might have been directly influenced by that very odd film, as I already documented the “killer elevator” as a startlingly persistent concept.) The holographic avatar and very English accent give a fine extra touch that doesn’t really resolve the AI’s status; one can sympathize as the machine pleads to be allowed to continue its duties, but it is already clear that one cannot trust its motives or its anthropomorphic affectations. It is impossible to avoid further comment on the completely surreal laser sequence (obviously on the board for “one scene”), which does a great deal to define the tone and reputation of the film (see also Ghost Ship). On a certain level, the intentionally lethal gauntlet is less impressive and intriguing than the seemingly improvised booby traps of the opening. What is easily forgotten after two decades of “so bad it’s good” fame/ infamy is that it is preceded by an effective and plausible set-up, in which the humans remain in apparent control until it is far too late.

That already brings me to the “one scene”, and there’s one I’m going to try doing from memory. In the face of the first onslaught of the undead, our heroes are driven up against a computerized door that is still locked for reasons that won’t be analyzed. The most technically minded of the group (if I’m not mistaken the same one who turned off the Queen) remains confident as he does a hacker bypass while the others hold back the horde. He does it all with a smoothness that leaves no doubt that he can indeed do this. He is openly satisfied as the door opens behind him, and what really got this in here is that I didn’t remember or expect what happens next.

In closing, what I come back to is how I feel about this movie and the franchise. My standing and long stated opinion is that the third film was the best, the second was the worst, and everything thereafter isn’t worth the trouble of counting in the same continuity. By further comparison, the original is almost overshadowed, which I will be the first to say is the last thing it deserved. Whatever else one may say, it was the right film that came out at just the right time to bring the zombie genre back to life. It also had the further virtues of being both a competent film and a genuinely creative one that never tried to be anything but itself. That should be a good enough epitaph in an age of remakes and reboots. I for one am happy to give it a final salute and call it a day.

Futures Past: The Captain N comic book

 As I write this, I'm two months and counting in my sabbatical from blogging, and have also spent two weeks watching my retro gaming parody/ fan novel not sell, and bought a new computer for good measure. In the midst of all this, I got to thinking more about something I mentioned once before, a traumatic experience that scarred an entire generation. I speak, of course, of Captain N: The Game Master, a show even kids who were several years/ eons away from Batman: The Animated Series knew was kaka. And what really brought me back to it wasn't writing a 100,000-word novel, or buying a Samus figure for three times its retail price, but finding out there was a comic book. And by reputation, it is actually... good? Okay? Tolerable??? Clearly, I was going to have to investigate first-hand.

So, to back things up, I did indeed watch Captain N first-hand during its run, and as usual, I have some very distinct recollections  that I now know don't line up with the actual run of the show. I'm sure I saw it first during a vacation that could have been before I had a TV at home, a story arc I assumed was the pilot that I figured out would actually be episodes 4 and/ or 5. It could easily have been a year or more before I watched it again, on the same network affiliate where I first saw Darkwing Duck, in a slot that required getting up early to watch it at all. I can recall several of the more famed/ notorious episodes (including their Tetris one!), of which I'm sure all were in a half-hour, single-story format. From the research that I did for this post, that means I only saw seasons 1 and 2, the last episode of which aired in very early 1991. However, I'm sure I was watching it well after that, probably into 1992 if not later. This fits with certain reports that it was in network syndication as late as 1994.

Now, with all the easy jokes already at hand, I'm sure everyone is expecting me either to destroy this show or defend it as a neglected classic. However, that simply isn't how it was. The now-storied clashes of titans that defined modern animation were all happening after school between Fox Kids and the Disney Afternoon.  Even back then, it was obvious that Saturday mornings were the low end of the pool, the usually short-lived experiments, the outdated-on-arrival tie-ins, the reruns and reboots of shows you had thought you were too old for the first time around. If you accepted the ritual of getting up before 7 in the morning, then you were probably going to watch whatever they threw at us without complaining. And you could get lucky, with shows like Darkwing Duck or a good episode of Garfield And Friends. Then again, you could get the likes of ProStars, Karate Kid and Hammer Man, all of which I most certainly watched in the same timeframe if not the same network and lineup as Captain N. And in their company, yes, Captain N reached the proverbial high standard of mediocrity. We were already past the Dark Ages, into a time where even a low-tier cash grab could be expected to have some measure of technical quality and narrative coherence. If it came to that, when Mother Brain was competent, when Simon Belmont wasn't actively stupid, when Kevin and Princess Lana aren't vying to be both bland and irritating (yes, even compared to Simon and Kid Icarus), when they actually did something creative with the "guest" game characters no matter how little sense it made in relation to the game, it could be entertaining.

And then there is the comic, which I had absolutely no idea existed until noting a few passing mentions in connection with Metroid. This one was published by Valiant, also responsible for a Super Mario comic I'm now sure I encountered in the wild sometime in the 1990s. The first issue was published in May 1990. Alas, the run ended in September of the same year after only five issues. In its short run and after, it gained a reputation as both more faithful to the source games and far better in quality than the TV series. Unsurprisingly, copies are scarce and quite expensive. Fortunately, the real-world heroes at Captain N.net have assembled a library for all the internet to read, for the moment.

Meanwhile, what brought me to this comic was its chief claim to fame or infamy: Unlike the entirety of the TV series, it featured Samus Aran as a major character. In fact, she was introduced as a "guest" character in the last of several storylines in the first issue of the comic, and continued to appear at least once in every remaining issue of the run. In the first appearance, titled "Money Changes Everything", she was set up as a neutral bounty hunter willing to consider an offer from Mother Brain. By "The Happy Zone" in the following issue, she was already established as a member of the "N Team" and a rival to Princess Lana for the affections of Captain N/ Kevin, which admittedly wasn't a big deal in the TV series. After appearing in a single panel of "The Fabulous Powers of Captain N" in issue 3, she got a full protagonist treatment in "Breakout" in issue 4, where a corrupt judge sends her and Princess Lana to a prison planet from which they must escape. In issue five, she got not one but two appearances. First, in "Garbageworld", a time travel mishap sends her to a future where Kevin is finally willing to reciprocate her interest, but also is reduced to leading the remnants of the resistance to Mother Brain from an interstellar garbage dump. Then in "When Friends Fall Out", Princess Lana discovers evidence that the bounty hunter was responsible for the disappearance of the old king of Videoland, in a story that was obviously meant to be finished in the announced but never printed issue 6.

So, with that out of the way, is this comic any good? Having read the Samus story arc, and skimmed a few more storylines, I can certainly affirm that this is vastly better than the TV show. The unavoidable punchline is, this is pretty much like saying the show was better than the Battletoads pilot. We aren't just comparing two different things, but two things in very different stages of development. The relative strengths of the comic come down to the fact that it is trying to establish its world and characters, but there was a point when the show made some effort to do the same. Whether the same level of quality could have been maintained over a longer run is unknowable at best. What can be seen all too clearly is that this is far from a top-notch comic for its own or any other time. The artwork is no better than average for a newspaper comic, and particularly weak when called on to establish a larger setting, the one thing that the show was undisputedly good at as long as it was trying at all. The stories serve up several duds, notably "Breakout". The real bottom line is that the comic is still everything the show was reviled for, a middling to low budget cash-in built around references to niche pseudo-mythology, though with the difference that it gets said mythology mostly right.

And then there is Samus, the one thing that made this at all memorable. As with many things, you can see where they were trying, not so much where they did this right. Sure, she's a developed and sympathetic female character with a "dark" side that isn't simply waved away by the power of love (yet...). However, while her open infatuation with the male lead isn't exactly "stereotypical" as such, it is quickly magnified to a level that can only be regarded as either actually disturbing or wholly contrived, to the point that she seriously goes through with accepting the garbage world timeline. Given the general intelligence of the material, it can be allowed that this really is meant to show her conflicting emotions and very gray morality. The deeper problem is that the story arc never pushes its own point. Every time she is presented with a choice between her mercenary ways and the good guys' ideals, the story always throws a softball rather than making her admit to past misdeeds or ongoing flaws. It's by all means a step forward, especially for a video game tie-in (Hell, the show wasn't afraid to show the dark side of unrequited "love" either), but it's the kind that shows just how far we still had to go. Oh yes, and this could all look far, far worse if we actually knew how the Hell old our "hero" is... 

So that's Captain N, the show and the comic book. So, was this worth it? Considering how notorious this has gotten, it was definitely worth a rematch, and I'm more than happy to have dug up the comic book. For myself, I hope I have at least given some perspective. By my standard rant, this wasn't "good" by any means, but anyone who thinks this is the "worst" we got is either too young or suffering from repressed memories. (Hey, sometimes, I wish I could come down with that...) All in all, a weekend isn't too much time for a trip down this rabbit hole. That's all for now, more to come!

Image credit valiant.fandom.com.

Fiction: Retro gaming parody novel publication announcement!

 

It's Labor Day, which means this is still technically the last weekend of a month when I've so far done only two posts and absolutely no movie reviews. I'm breaking the silence to announce that my Nintendo fan/ parody novel (see demos 1, 2,  and 3, the mythology appendix and extra) is up for sale, as linked to here.  In the meantime, I threw in some art on top of the cover I already spent too much on, resulting in the interior title page above from an artist named Carlos Miguel Garcia. My specific instructions were to make a "1980s futuristic" ship, and I will be the first to admit that really is what Eighties "kit-bashed" sci fi ships were like. Here's another piece of artwork I shelled out for. For context, the description in the book has the mother dragon monster using a chokehold. And they're both being held hostage by the empress of an evil magic-mirror dimension...

So that's what I have to show for 4 and a half months of work and definitely more money than I'm remotely likely to get back. So was it worth it? Well, it probably helped keep me sane, which is something. And while I'm at it, here's my final version of the ship design everybody kept telling me not to use.

That's all for now, more to come... I'm still not saying when.

Fiction special: Retro gaming fan/ parody novel announcements!

 As I write this, I'm at the start of a week I had planned to get in 3 posts for, and I've had a rough day. To fill out the lineup, I decided to post a few announcements about my novel. First, I have indeed finished a complete novel for about the last month (see the fourth demo), which I am currently trying to lock down from further revision I have also submitted the book to the two publishers I could find with an online submission process, which indicated that I should be notified of acceptance or rejection sometime in August. That gives me a couple more months to obsess over the book.

Meanwhile, I did something actually fun. I found a website called Fiver where you can hire freelance artists. I got a black-and-white illustration done by an artist named Nekosa who looked like a fit for my style, based on a scene about halfway through the book. Here, for the first time, is what I got out of it. I feel like this is what would happen if this was a 1980s video game and this was the box art; it doesn't literally represent the scene (which I willingly departed from to show all the characters really doing something), but it gets the idea and essence. Needless to say, I ask that all readers refrain from reposting or circulating this image except as links to this post.

And here's what I could come up with for an actual cover. This was the original title I replaced in the drafts I have circulated so far, because at least one person beat me to it on the Amazon Kindle platform alone. After further assessment, I decided I could use it without legal risk or creating problems for the other author, whose work as advertised is not within the fantasy or parody genres or otherwise directly based on the source material. And, of course, the powers that be can't sue me without suing the other guy first...

So, that is where matters stand. I will be waiting for input and checking out one more legal issue involving the use of song lyrics. If no route to mainstream publication materializes, I plan to put this up by September of this year. I am considering options for getting feedback and maybe a little money while this is still in limbo. Meanwhile, I will be busy going back to actual work. That's all for now, more to come!

Futures Past: Nintendo exotrooper figure!

 

As I write this, it's the last week of the month, and I realized I had something backlogged. While I was spending the last 2 1/2 months writing a Nintendo fan novel (see my fourth demo), I finally gave in and tried to buy a figure of one of the classic NES characters I was obviously ripping off. I refer, of course, to Samus Aran, from the iconic game I can't recall playing or seeing anyone else play once. I found a landscape of figures pulling scalper prices, and with a whole lot of bonus points, I got the newest and in all likelihood least impressive one. Then, of course, I took it out of the packaging, because I do this to make "real" collectors cry. Here's pics of this thing on card.

You know the suit is from the 1980s because her shoulder pads are literally bigger than her helmet.

Now to go all the way back, I can recall being aware of Metroid in the 1980s and '90s, and what stands out is that it didn't have that big a profile. Up to when I was in junior high, there was still only the original game, from the ancient year of 1986. From what I heard back then, it was simply a space adventure with a where-do-I-go element that a whole bunch of games were trying to do. It didn't help that the main reason I heard about it was because Mother Brain was the main villainess and quite possibly the most irritating character on the now-legendary Captain N TV series, which I really did watch regularly. It was in a revisit of the game in Nintendo's propaganda outlet that I first learned of the reveal that quite possibly created Rule 34: The space adventurer in the armor was actually a lady.

Now for the figure, this is a figure released this year by Jakks Pacific, which has been making figures of this character since at least 2014. The most distinctive thing about this figure is that it has a matte texture where earlier figures had been glossy. I have to admit, this is pretty good. The points of articulation, while more gimmicky than useful, are in places that make sense. The detailing is the right balance between realistic and stylized. And, wonder of wonders, it's quite easy to persuade this thing to stand up. Here's some pics of the figure.

And for a little fun, here's a couple articulation tests.

Okay, I was not expecting Samus as a cheerleader, but it's probably out there.

And here she is with the 4-inch Space Guys (whose own adventure was ironically derailed for all this). These figures are usually listed as 4 inches, but this is definitely bigger, I can believe 4.5 inches.

Now, the question I come to is what put this one in this sporadic and meandering feature, where does Samus really fit in pop culture evolution? There were plenty of lady adventurers before her, as evidenced in Heavy Metal (which I repeatedly reference in my novel), though it was something new in video games. I would propose that the character had more impact through popularizing the combat exoskeleton/ mech suit, though I can attest that I was drawing such things in the late '80s-early '90s timeframe independent of any direct influence. (I swear I kind of invented the term "exotrooper", but I have never had to explain it.) The biggest step forward was a game with a focus on exploring an environment, which as alluded was quickly done to death. To me, she remains what she was then: A cool character.

And to wrap this up, here's a couple sketches I did for the book. I was trying to think of an exotrooper design crossed with Greek armor, so I drew a finback with a sort-of Corinthian face plate. I spent a lot of time trying to work out how it would raise, then an illustrator I am working with just drew it scrunched up in a way I'm going to have to work into the book. And the other one is a Flower Girl who can turn into a Psittacosaurus-dragon thing.

And one more, because the best sketch is always the one that goes completely wrong...

And with that, I'm calling it a day. That's all for now, more to come!

Fiction: Nintendo parody novel extra!

 

As I write this, it's Sunday and I haven't gotten in the post I meant to do this week. So, I decided to post yet another demo for the parody/ fan novel that's been consuming most of my time (see demos 1, 2 and 3 plus the badly edited appendix). This is the first draft of a scene I tweaked a bit to set up themes and references I didn't think to put in the first time, but it's mostly the same in the final draft. All in all, this is the part that was just fun...

King Ajax watched Aeacus’ ship depart through a telescope in the turret that was called the Royal Observatory. It rose to rejoin a modest fleet of ships high above. Meliboia pointed out the different ships. “That’s a Cygnus like mine,” she said, pointing out a familiar twin-nacelled craft. “There aren’t as many as there used to be.” She pointed out a double-hulled craft, and another with three equally spaced wings. “There’s a Gemini medium fighter, and a Trident interceptor.” She focused the telescope on a craft that her father’s ship was in the process of docking with. It was an elegant ship divided into three sections including the lander that had just rejoined, each with a wide pair of sweeping wings. “And that is the Geryon. It’s the most powerful Myrmidon warship there is or ever will be. It wouldn’t look like much next to a Union cruiser, but it has the armament of a ship five times its size. It could blow ships 20 times its size out of space, and it has.”

“I take it, then, I should not upset my in-laws,” Ajax said. He noted Mel's brother Amyclas loitering with a companion.

“That is always the best policy,” said the Dowager Prunus at his side.

 

As lunch gave way to afternoon, they walked with the Dowager in the upper galleries of the Palace, where numerous windows gave the feel of open air. “I am pleased that you came,” Prunus said to Mel. “Frankly, I am pleased with your choice of dress. The people of the Kingdoms have been so scandalized, one might think you were parading around like a nudist. I made my own inquiries. My judgment was that you dress like a Maiden courting rumor. It has its place, but there is a time when a Lady must consider her years.”

“How old do you think I am?” Mel asked coolly.

Prunus laughed. “You will not trap me that way,” she said. “Know this, King Ajax has been in this world 12 of our years. When he came, he was 26 by the reckoning of Earth. When he and his brother first appeared, I had them searched. I personally examined, I believe it was called, his driver’s license.”

“Then he is younger than me,” Mel said freely. “By a little. I suppose that would be a scandal. Maybe almost as much as a man of fifty marrying a woman of twenty.”

“We do not actually have much of that here,” Prunus said. “Our bonds of love are strong, or so others judge. Our bearing is easy, even in our later years. When a man does outlive his first Maiden, or parts from her, he usually finds a widow or Matron preferable in his maturity. The elders do not often compete with the boys for the Maidens. How is it among the Myrmidons?”

“Well, we aren’t really what you would call a self-sustaining population,” Mel answered. “They recruit among the males of the Diaspora and from other Misthioi. Most of the females are orphans and refugees that no one else will ransom or adopt, like me. At any given time, there are 2 or 3 men for every woman of age. It causes fewer problems than you might suppose. Many of the young men that join do so because they do not wish to marry. In Aeacus’ time, there was still a vow of celibacy. The ones who do take lovers do so as a fighting Triad, not a pair. Most often, two men fight with one woman. More rarely, two women fight with one man… Ah, perhaps this is too much for my Lord.” Ajax was blushing.

“It does not sound like a bad way to do things,” the King said carefully.

“Now, there is another matter,” the Dowager said. “There has been talk that Lady Meliboia is unable to bear an heir…”

“If it were so, it would be between her and myself,” Ajax said instinctively.

“Do not misunderstand,” the Dowager said in amusement. “I would have you know, I have your back. I do not care if a man and Lady bear Fruit, by choice or not. I say to all Hells with the `integrity’ of the bloodline. You and your brother have been Kings as great as any born to the noble Houses, and you came to us as landless peons with only your tools, the Music Box and a book of silly stories.”

“Trust me, I know,” Mel said. “I’ve met plenty of kings of high and noble blood. The good ones were dumb as Hydrae. The bad ones only left me alone when I told them I wasn’t going to give them Fruit. Or, I just killed them.” She considered. “Is there any chance I might see the things he brought with him?”

“King Ajax keeps his tools and his book for his own use,” Prunus answered.  “But the rest of the Relics of Ajax have a place of honor in the Palace.”

“Then I would like to see it,” Mel said.

They descended to the lower galleries where visitors wandered at will. A whole transept was devoted to Ajax and Hector. It was divided equally, but it was clear that most of the visitors favored Ajax’s side. A number of them pointed and murmured as the King approached. They passed the trophies of his greatest battles, like an Invader’s exoskeleton and the anchor of Naam’s skyship. At the very end was a cabinet for the relics he had brought with him. As they drew near, Mel covered her mouth.

About half the exhibit was devoted to the Music Box. It was a small, boxy portable tape player. Beside it were the headphones and two batteries, one of them encrusted with crystallized acid. The player was hooked up to two alchemist’s jars for power. A contraption the size of a small refrigerator had been set up to play sound for the guests. “I gave it to the Dowager after the batteries died,” Ajax said. “They had figured out enough physics and chemistry to reproduce its functions. They just don’t have the manufacturing methods to make compact electronics.”

As they watched, an Attendant carefully loaded a cassette and pressed a button. “Leaving On A Jet Plane” and “Walk Away Renee” played through the contraption’s speakers, badly. An old Mushroom Man and a Flower Girl had burst into tears before the Attendant returned the tape to its box. “Let me see that,” Mel said. At a nod from the Dowager, the Attendant handed it to her. It was a 90-minute mix tape with a list of tracks written in pen on the insert. In several places, one title had been scratched out and another written in. All told, there were 23 tracks.

“It’s my brother’s tape, really,” Ajax said. “We used to take turns recording songs off the radio.” Mel considered the two other tapes. They were the soundtracks from Heavy Metal and Krull.

“I want to listen to this,” she said, rattling the Mix Tape. “On the Box, with the headphones. I have my own power supply.”

The Attendants were clearly ready to protest, but again, Prunus intervened. “That was the second playing of the day, is it not?” she said. “Then the guests will be deprived of nothing if the Lady is allowed to use it.”

It took several keys to take out the Box and its components. Mel matter-of-factly produced a power pack clearly designed for similar devices. As she rewound the tape and began to play, she considered the other Relics on exhibit. Ajax could not have said whether the tape or the exhibit made him more uncomfortable. There was his slouch cap, with the letter A in metallic red. There were his tool box, his screw drivers, his plastic thermos. She finally turned one of the headphones. He could overhear “Nowhere Man.” He followed her pointing finger to one of the items.

“We were general maintenance contractors,” he said. “We did a lot of things. Anyway, it was a storage room for the janitors. We were just taking our break.”

“Still,” Mel said, “did you have to use that name?”

“It is my middle name,” King Ajax said.

The item was a blue can with bold red letters on a white field. It read AJAX. “For a while, we used it in the Palace,” the Dowager spoke up. “The Attendants were impressed. So were the Alchemists. We got through half the can before I had it sealed up for further study.”

She gave them distance. Mel looked at Ajax again with a smirk as she pointed at one more artifact. “Now, come on,” she said. “They must have figured that one out.” The object was marked, Expunger of Evil. It was a wooden rod with a large red cup.

“We called it that where we came from,” Ajax said. “It was our father’s.”

“Show me,” Mel said. She stopped the tape. This time, an attendant opened the case without further bidding. Ajax lifted it up with both hands.

“Stagnant water, you will flow,” he said. He went on with a flourish, because there was no way back. “Thing of evil, you will go!!!”

Mel clapped. So did the onlookers, which he belatedly realized included Hector, Daffy, Amyclas, and the High King of the Azure Realm. He smiled and bowed, still holding the Expunger.

Mel listened through the whole tape as they walked the grounds. She tapped her foot to “Popcorn” and “Music Box Dancer”. She started at the snap as the player reached the end of the first side, Ajax knew in the middle of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. She flipped the tape and resumed listening with a respectful nod. She wiped a single tear at the end of “Big Yellow Taxi”. Finally, she frowned as she reached “Today Could Be The Day”, which lasted barely a minute before the tape snapped. 

“I tried to get that one in at the end,” Ajax said. “Then Hector rerecorded over another song and cut into it. I asked Morrie to try putting the rest together. He was Lady Pruna’s court minstrel. He  ended up creating a whole new song.” (Author's note: Yes, I tried "song fic" chapters in here. And rewriting the song was the most remotely sane way to get around the legal issues.)

“So,” Mel said as she  rose to her feet, “you let me listen to your mix. A lot of guys wouldn’t do that. So what do you have to say?”

He dropped to his knees at her feet and prepared to say what he had intended to wait days, perhaps a week for. Only then did he realize that he did not have the carefully chosen ring. Mel rested her hand on his scalp. “Wait,” she said, “there is another way. You humbled yourself. Now, rise.”

Mel removed the sword and sheath from her belt. “This is a custom of the Myrmidons,” she said. She knelt and held up her sword. “My brother, with Janus as my witness, I offer you my loyalty and my love. Take from me this sword, and I will be your sheath.” She blushed at the innuendo but did not pause. “Be my lover, my captain and my mate, and I will follow you to Heaven or Hades.” By then, her eyes were closed. She smiled as he took the sword, gaping in wonder.

“My Lady,” he said, kneeling again, “be my Queen!” He held out his own signet to her.

There were cheers as they rose. Mel waved. Then Daffy rushed in. “Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh that was so romantic-! Sorry.”

“I’m okay,” Mel groaned beneath her.

“Welcome to the family,” Ajax said. He reached down and helped her up.

“Welcome to you, too,” Amyclas said. He threw an arm around the King. “By the way, you do know you just married her. Right?”

Fiction: Retro gaming novel battle demo!

 

It's Thursday of an off-week, and I've been trying to do a week of posts while trying to finish my Nintendo fan/ parody novel (see Demos 1 and 2) in an insane amount of time. As part of this, I went ahead and let out some very spoiler-ish material for what I wrote as the "final battle" part (as a "song fic"...), so I made the further decision to post that and a little more here, plus some autoshape sketches of what the setting is supposed to look like, the version that looks good above and the one that's more accurate further down. Long story short, it's a star fort on a floating Sky Island, and this is still my Metroid-parody heroine. Also a reminder, I used to write a series called Exotroopers, and I started this blog with a story where the protagonist cuts off his own leg...

Meliboia opened fire on two advancing Myrmidons with her 7.5mm rifle from what cover the caryatid on the left side provided. One of the attackers fell with a shattered visor. She activated her shoulder pods, and promptly launched an anti-armor rocket from the righthand pod at the pair who operated their own launcher from cover. The blast blew out a gout of rock and rubble. The Hoplite reloading the launcher staggered, either stunned or blinded, and then fell with a cry. The one with the launcher popped up again, only to find himself exposed. A three-shot burst shattered his helmet. Mel pivoted, just as a fighter came out of the clouds. From her left pod, she launched a single anti-aircraft missile. An engine burst into flames with the blast, and the left wing twisted off at the rear as the craft pitched and rolled out of sight, its weapons still blazing. A single bolt obliterated a section of the upper balcony, leaving the right caryatid supporting only crumbling entablature. Then another, much larger craft rose up from below. “Euphonia,” she said. She retreated as the chorus played…

 “It is the end of the day

There is only the bill left to pay

Let the Fool rise

When Amphion falls!”

 

The bolts of the Euphonia’s starboard medium plasma cannon sailed through the Keep, occasionally detonating with the force of concussion grenades against the columns and walls. As often as not, they sailed straight out the other side of the deceptively porous fortification. An incendiary rocket detonated against the hull next to the gun, only briefly fouling the alignment of the gun. “All Hells!” Mel shrieked from behind a column. “Fire a missile already!” Then she glimpsed the incoming parasite craft. She hefted a translucent ammunition cannister over her shoulder, racking five rockets directly into the conjoined muzzles of the launcher. Already, the transport was shifting, giving the unseen gunner a more favorable angle. Before the next shot could come, the transport banked and swerved, too late. Its portside wing was struck by the bottom wing of the out-of-control fighter, catastrophically damaging both craft. As the parent craft reeled, the loops on the far side flickered with the silhouette of the approaching parasite. She fired the full load of rockets through a sally port and ran up the stairs to the upper balcony. The craft disintegrated as the chorus replayed…

 

“It is the end of the day

There is only the Boatman to pay

Let the Fool rise

When Amphion falls!”

Mel emerged outside the door of the uppermost structure where she and Ajax had spent what she counted as their true honeymoon. She came almost immediately under fire. She activated the shoulder pods for suppressing fire. On the right, her reconfigured 6mm rifle raked the balcony with bursts of fire, felling one of the two Hoplites who came vaulting over. On the left, her grenade launcher fired down at another who had topped the corner battlement. She raised the 7.5mm for what she was sure would be an attack from the center. She still froze as a final parasite craft rose into view, with two Hoplites clinging to the weapons racks. She leaped backward through a window behind the bed, just before they opened fire.

Meliboia crashed down on top of the nuptial bed, propelled by the blasts behind her. Her rifle flew from her hands. She kept rolling, crushing already splintered wood. The sheet and blankets wound around her, tearing where they met rough edges. She frantically tried to deploy the pods, producing only urgent warnings to withdraw for repairs. The final verse of her challenge was all she could hear over the ringing in her ears…

“Behold the old gods have fallen,
Their idols are cast to the flames!
Now let us worship
The Fool, our new God,
He is better than no God at all!”

Two Hoplites burst in the door to the left of the bed, melee blades drawn. An apparition came rushing to meet them, trailing streamers of cloth like an unwinding shroud. The first had only a glimpse of the shape before a leaf-shaped blade drove under his breastplate. The second parried over the body of the fallen companion, then delivered a stroke that was parried in turn by a blade that sprang from Meliboia’s left wrist. Then a bedsheet fell over the adversary’s head and torso, to be wound tight enough to haul him off his feet as the apparition circled behind. Her sword drove into his lower back, and her wrist blade laid open his throat. The apparition rose, now crimson, at a pounding at the door. Just before it smashed to pieces, a grenade plowed through, catching her in the chest.

The force of the concussion grenade threw Meliboia back to the wall. She rose to hands and knees, to look through a spiderwebbed visor. “Autolycos,” she said. “You’re an ass, but you are my brother. Walk away.”

“Oh, all Hells, Mel!” he exclaimed. “You think you can tell me that? I’ll tell you one last time, baby girl, just because Aeacus makes us play nice with you doesn’t mean you’re one of us.”
“No,” she said, “I suppose not.” As she spoke, she completed an emergency override, just before she realized exactly what she was activating.

Her second anti-aircraft missile launched. It did not go even five times its length before it hit Autolycos in either the belly or the groin. It blasted him straight off the balcony, past the corner of the bastion, before its overstrained mechanisms exploded at a fraction of its intended minimum range. She had a brief, searing glimpse of his upper body flung upward as his legs dropped to either side.