Fiction: Chelsea the Social Worker Epilogue!

 It's Monday night, and it's been dawning on me that I really have nothing. So I tried to think what I have backlogged, and realized my best bet was something I teased way back, the actual ending of Chelsea the (bad) social worker. So, here goes. As usual, the table of contents is at the end. And yes, this is exactly how I am with a baby...

Chelsea returned home to the sound of a crying baby. She entered the townhome unit on the second story, and quietly descended the stairs. What interested her was the sound of the voice drifting up.

 

“I don’t understand, cuddle bunny,” Shad said. She spotted him seated on the floor next to the crib, his back against a couch. “I changed you, I fed you, I read to you, you have your blanket and all your favorite toys.” As he spoke, the baby in his arms cast aside a squeaky dicynodont. “I just don’t know what you want.”

 

“She’s a baby, she doesn't want anything except attention,” Chelsea said. Shad looked up, and she gave him a smile. “I keep telling you, babies fuss. The more you try to make them stop, the more they fuss. They’re jerks that way. Hey, bunny, mommy’s here.” Shad handed off the baby, who if anything cried louder. Chelsea cooed nonsense as she cradled the baby, adding editorially, “Why are you making your daddy worry so…?” She freed a hand to clear the clutter of toys out of the crib, then laid their baby down and laid a blanket over her. As an afterthought, she took all but one especially beloved toy, a fuzzy caterpillar. She stood by without intervening as the baby continued to cry. After 15 minutes, she hugged the toy and quieted.

 

“She was doing okay most of the night,” Shad said. “We were having fun earlier. She just got fussy when I tried to put her to bed.”

“That’s because you’re a pushover,” Chelsea said. “By the way, have you noticed you talk to her the same way you do to me?”

Shad shrugged. “How else would you talk to a baby?” he said.

“That’s my sweet man,” Chelsea said. She kissed him on the lips.

 

“How was work?” Shad asked.

“The usual grind,” Chelsea said. “I delivered 12 state assignments, approved 3 petitions for separation, and got two couples assigned an instructor. How about you?”

“Oh, you know, stuff,” Shad said. He grinned. “I finalized our video.”

Chelsea grinned back. “You should show me,” she said.

“I was planning to,” he said. But he continued to look down at their daughter’s crib. “She turned out… different, didn’t she?”

“Well, anything can happen once,” Chelsea said. Leaning over, she ran a finger through the fuzz just beginning to appear on the bay girl’s scalp.

 

It was purple.

Table of Contents

Part I: The romance!

Part II: The parking violation!

Part III: Capsule hotel destruction!

Part IV: The Kelsiraptor, and Harryhausen monster bureaucrat!

Part V: The restraining order!

Part VI: The trial, part 1!

Part VII: The trial, part 2, with the King Kong Moral Contraband film!

Part VIII: The goon!

Part IX: The religion!

Part X: Kloe!!!

Part XI: The Arcostate Zoo, plus Spike's Southside Motorcycle Gang!

Part XII: Skinny McCoy!!!

Part XIII: The Harryhausen monster fight!!!

Part XIV: The Showdown!!!

Part XV: The Multiverse!

Part XVI: The Space Guys Spinoff Teaser! 

Fiction: Retro games fan fic/ parody demo part 2!

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do this month, and also, I decided to put all my other fiction projects on hold while I turned my Nintendo fan fic/ parody demo into a novel that I'm actually on track to finish. To have something for this week, I decided to post a chapter that's about two-thirds of the way through what I have so far, featuring an old creature idea based on the creepiest effects demo reel ever. Yes, this is what I used to write; yes, this is a Super Mario/ Metroid crossover; and no, I have never owned or used a gun.

 “All right,” Meliboia of the Myrmidons said. “We do this by the numbers.” In the viewport ahead, a planet loomed. It was ugly. It was brown. It was the most dangerous planet in the Star Union.

“I’m ready,” King Ajax said.

“So am I,” said Nopalina, his senior Maiden.

“I’m sorry," said Maiden Persephone, "if it’s all the same, I’d rather stay up here and read."

 

Meliboia briefed them in the main cabin. She wore only her Cingulum mesh suit, scandalous on every world they had visited. For Ajax, it drew his gaze no longer than her long olive legs and pearl and platinum hair. She dragged her footlocker into the middle of the space. She opened it and pointed out the weapons. “These are the variants of the 6mm MFCASK caseless small-arms family,” she said. She took out the two largest weapons. One had a bipod and a very sophisticated electronic sight. The other had a circular drum and a hard point for a tripod mount. “These are configured for Tactical Suppression and Area Defense. The first one is my primary weapon, 50 round topside mag standard. There’s room for spares on the side.” She held up a transparent magazine clipped to the stock. It was loaded with 10 triangular caseless cartridges. “The other takes standard clips or a 200-round drum. Pray we don’t need it.”

She unlimbered a third weapon with an extending stock. “This is the Multi-Role Carbine, they’ll take a 50 clip but you’re better off with 30,” she said. “It’s what you use when things are getting hot but you’re still keeping cool.” She attached a grenade launcher with a 5-round magazine. “And this is the 3cm Direct/ Indirect Fire Grenade Launcher, in case you have to explain something.” She gave Ajax the weapon. When Nopalina pressed to hold one herself, Mel gave her a smaller case that held a nearly identical weapon. “This has a shorter barrel. It should be easier to carry, but it can be harder to handle.”

Finally, she drew not one but two pistols. “These are Close Assault Tactical, for if something gets up close and personal,” she said. She waved the more compact of the two. “This is semi auto, 10 rounds; use this if you ask politely.” She attached a stock and an extended clip to the other. “This is selective fire, 20 rounds, in case you have to tell them twice.” She gave the smaller pistol to Nopalina, and kept the other for herself after Ajax declined it.

“They are fine weapons, my Lady,” Ajax said. Mel leaned over for a kiss.

“Excuse me,” Persephone said. “What do the letters stand for?”

“Easy,” Nopalina said. She attached a spare single-shot grenade launcher to her weapon. “Mother Fo-‘Cking Ar-Se Kicker.”

 

The bridge module of the Amphion descended to the planet. Mel aimed for a long, narrow ridge. “We can follow the ridge to our objective,” she said. “Stay away from the sand. It’s where the borer worms are. Mostly.”

They touched down between two distinct sections of the ridge. Mel emerged in her Lorica. She carried the Area Defense Weapon and a tripod. “There,” she said. “Think you can handle this?”

Persephone followed behind in a basic environmental suit. She tried sighting the weapon. She pulled the trigger once. She did not flinch at the short burst of fire. “I guess so,” she said. She took a book out of her bag. It was on raising Tatzelwurms. “Have fun.”

 

Mel led the way in full armor. She wore a full breastplate, a heavy Hoplite helmet, and what looked like a pair of wings on her back, in fact a pair of radiator fins. She carried her rifle slung over her back. Her carbine hung under one arm. On the belt that supported her greaves, she had holstered the machine pistol and a grenade launcher fitted with its own trigger and grip. Ajax and Nopalina followed in light armor. Once, a toothed proboscis at least 10 Cubits long erupted from the sand. It whipped back and forth, tasting the air. Mel raised her rifle warily, but did not fire. After a minute, the proboscis withdrew. “It smelled them,” she said.

As they approached the end of the ridge, she waved for another halt. She connected a small screen to her scope, allowing the others to see what it showed. Ahead were numerous stands of large cacti with asymmetrical bulbous pads and even uglier black fruit, each as extensive as a small orchard. “This is our objective,” she said. “The fruit is the only known source for several highly dense, very reactive compounds. For some races, it can cure cancer. For others, it gets them really stoned. For a few, it just gets their Mushroom fruiting. This is the only planet where the plant grows. They farm it…”

Nopalina took out a bag. “I collect prickly pear back home,” she said. “This should be no problem.” She patted the pistol at her own hip.

“We will cover you,” Ajax said. He raised his carbine. Mel took aim at what looked like a cave a hundred meters away. “Run.”

The first of them came out as soon as Nopalina moved. Its kind were called Kophon, meaning Deaf-Mute. It flopped down, giving Ajax a good look as it thrashed. It would have been two Cubits tall upright, but it was clearly adapted to run on all fours. A second pair of arms were folded against its visible rib cage. Its skin was purple, its blood was orange, its viscera black. Already two more had emerged, then five, then ten, and then he pointed and shouted as twenty burst out of a burrow in the opposite direction, at only half the distance.

Nopalina reached the cactus colony and began picking fruit. By then, Mel had brought down 5 of the Kophon with single shots. Ajax joined in as a group of 4 came close enough to hurl their own projectiles. A perfectly spherical rock bounced off his visor. He fired instinctively, felling the creature that threw it with a three-shot burst to the head. The scope gave him his first good look at their faces. They had large eyes with reddish-brown irises. In place of a mouth, they had an array of mouthparts. That was the source of their name, as they had neither a jaw to form speech nor a counterpart to the delicate bones that were the organs of hearing. What looked like tufted ears in fact detected scent like the feelers of a moth. He took down another with two bursts. He then fired a grenade, set to burst over the heads of the others. That sent them scurrying back.

Nopalina opened fire with her pistol. Ajax looked to see three of the Kophon among the cacti. She felled one. The others tried to cut her off as she retreated through the chaotic garden. She still took time to pick three more fruit for her half-full bag. One of the creatures stepped directly into her path. Rather than draw the holstered pistol, she brought her carbine to bear. She fired the launcher instead of the gun. It discharged a needle canister almost point blank into the creature’s face. Ajax overheard her on a channel she obviously had not remembered was open: “Not now, Kiv… Yes, I am with her…”

A steady hail of projectiles pounded their armor. Most were mere rocks, but there were also seedpods that burned or burst in clouds of smoke. Mel was staggered by Ajax tried to cover Nopalina while Mel continued to pick off the main force of the Kophon. A dozen of them were circling the cactus colony. The Maiden brought down three with five bursts, emptying her clip. He took down two more and fired his last grenade. By then, Mel was firing bursts herself. At a quick glance, the King estimated that she had brought down at least 20, if not 30. She slammed a spare clip into her weapon. The cartridges transferred from the clip to the main feed with a clacking sound like billiard balls. “Something isn’t right,” she said. Then she resumed firing.

“We are leaving!” Ajax called to Nopalina. He winced as a rock struck his helmet. She shrugged and started running back. “Leave the bag!” She shook her head furiously.  Mel traded her rifle for the pistol as a group that threatened to cut them off. Two more Kophon went down. She risked a fully automatic burst without the stock that doubled as a holster, felling one more before the others scattered. She drew her grenade launcher and fired down a newly opened burrow that the group had emerged from. Nopalina scrambled up the ridge. Ajax hauled her up. Mel fixed the stock to her pistol and loaded a 20-round clip, just in time to fire a burst into the face of a lunging Kophon. They hurried along the ridge, with well over a hundred of the Kophon behind them.

The proboscis of the borer erupted from the sand as they retreated. A needle canister from Nopalina’s weapon shredded its hide without serious damage. Ajax grabbed the rifle from between Mel’s wings and emptied a clip. The rounds from the harder-hitting weapon drilled through and through. The creature withdrew. As they approached, Persephone set down her book and readied her weapon. Mel dived and pulled Ajax with her as the first volley went over their heads. “Sorry,” Persephone called out.

As they ran for the ramp, an especially large Kophon sprang out from beneath the ship. It reared up on hind legs, 3 Cubits high, directly in Mel’s path. Each arm bore slashing blades. Its mouthparts spread, revealing a gaping maw lined with teeth. Mel drew her sword and assumed a fighting stance, just before Persephone blew it in half. Mel could barely see through the orange gore that spattered her armor, but she made no attempt to clear her visor. She grabbed the Area Defense weapon, tripod and all, and raced up the ramp. Persephone gasped as Ajax threw her over his shoulder.

“We have to go go go!” Mel called out. She backed up to a wall mount that linked to her Lorica. The armor split open, allowing her to climb out. She scrambled into the cockpit proper, clad only in her Cingulum and inner mail. Ajax ran to her side, himself down to an undershirt and trousers. A push of a button started the firing sequence. As it counted down, they looked up… and saw a Kophon with a vastly enlarged skull standing on the canopy. Mel pushed another button, and the hum of the engine died.

 

“Well, they let us keep the fruit,” Persephone said as they rose to reunite with the main hull of the Amphion.

“The fruit’s no good,” Mel said. “It’s the wrong strain, and not ripe. The big one was probably trying to tell us that. I should have figured that out. The compounds will be unstable.”

“I still don’t understand,” Ajax said. “They let tourists come and shoot them to collect the fruit?”

“I told you, they’re a hive mind species,” Mel said. “The ones we saw were drones at the end of their lifespan. If we hadn’t put them down, they would have been turned into cactus fertilizer.”

Ajax shook his head. “Do people do this knowing the truth?”

“The tour guides have kept the real rubes in the dark,” Mel said. “They usually empty their guns in the air and run away as soon as they see one Kophon, never mind a hundred. I heard of one guy who got left behind when one of the marks hotwired his ship. The ones who pay enough for a real fight are usually in the know. It’s not risk-free. About 2% of professional hunts end in one or more human casualties.”

They cleaned the Lorica over a grate in the lavatory floor, using a detachable showerhead set for maximum pressure. When that failed to clean off the heaviest residue, Mel used a flame unit at the lowest setting. Ajax considered the fruit. “Does this really have value?” he asked sadly.

“Enough to make a profit on a successful hunt,” Mel said. She had finished cleaning the suit and started applying a powdered cleanser to a trail of gore on the floor of the bridge module. “They figured out how to synthesize the active compounds years ago. It’s difficult enough that only the pharmaceutical concerns can really afford it. Of course, they only market their products for approved, regulated medical purposes. Gray-area applications are only sustainable with a supply of the fruit. Now that I think about it, we could get something for this after all…”

Ajax clasped her hand. She looked up in surprise. “My Lady,” he said, “I still do not know if you would choose to be my Queen. But whatever comes, promise me this… Never go back there again.”

Mel dropped the bag. Several of the fruit rolled out. “All right,” she said. “By my name, I promise.” Then they kissed. 

No Good Very Bad Movies Legacy: The worst movies I didn't review???

 

As I write this, I have been overdue for a movie review, and finally decided to do another list (see my best and worst posts). For broader context, I’m in the neighborhood of 300 movie reviews, including what I freely endorse as the worst movies ever made that both survive and fulfill all major characteristics of a movie. In the process, I have frequently commented that there are indeed films I have passed over as “too bad” to review. As an appendix to my "worst" movie feature, I have finally decided to give a representative list of the ones I threw back and why they did not work for what I do. So, here goes with a countdown…

10. Bride of the Monster (1955)- A mad scientist plots world conquest, or something. This gets in here simply as a representative example for the work of Ed Wood, who got a “good” review for Plan 9 From Outer Space and never got back on my radar. The general comment I have to make about Wood’s infamous filmography is that he represents what is to me the bare minimum of competency. I base that on two things. First, his work is coherent, to the extent that they normally satisfy the definition of a narrative sound film: There is a story, characters, dialogue, and enough ideas to provide deeper themes and meaning. Second, the balance of Wood’s efforts are sufficient to demonstrate the knowledge and capability to make a “good” film. The corresponding reality is that the vast majority of his problems came down to not having money, and that in turn had everything to do with making films in the 1950s while being Ed Wood. My verdict is, yes, they are “that bad”, but I could never find interest or entertainment in taking them apart.

9. Xtro (1983)- This is the story of a boy whose father returns from an alien abduction, as the spawn of an alien and a human woman. Another kind of (dis)honorable mention, this is a film that was never on the board because I have never wanted to watch it. It’s an Alien knockoff that skips story, character development and coherent xenobiology in favor of stringing together as much creepy Freudian imagery as possible, which actually manage to go downhill from a woman giving birth to an adult man. As a bonus, the cut that I actually watched all the way through had a version of the ending that I have never found again. I tried it, I am not going back. Next…

8. The Phantom Empire (1988)- An ancient subterranean civilization happens to emerge in the California suburbs. An expedition discovers Sybil Danning (see Battle Beyond The Stars), an alleged Robby the Robot rig and recycled effects from Planet of Dinosaurs. This was my first round with the work of Fred Olen Ray, who got on my good side with Deep Space. It’s a direct-to-video mess that occasionally rises to “so bad it’s good”, not what I do.

7. Star Crystal (1986)- An interplanetary expedition discovers a crystal that turns into a deadly alien. It’s very possibly the worst 1980s monster movie I have personally viewed. One or two decent suspense/ jump scare sequences and a cop-out twist ending make it a little more interesting than it deserves to be. I didn’t care enough to get back to it.

6. Flesh Gordon (1974)- Yes, the Flash Gordon porn parody. I really didn’t want to include this one, but I haven’t made a secret that I had seen this one, so I’m throwing it in. The problem with this one is that it has less to say about changing mores and gender roles than the De Laurentiis version got away with under a PG rating. What’s left is a clearly intelligent genre satire that throws in with the status quo wherever it matters. Watch the actually good stop-motion effects in video clips, skip the rest. I suppose I should credit this as the nucleus of my Space Guys proxy rant about how much “adult” entertainment (especially the 1970s variety) doesn’t work for people with sensory differences.

5. The People Under The Stairs (1991)- Children are raised in hiding by a brother and sister. I planned on getting in one “big budget” movie here, and this entry from Wes Craven really deserves it. I suppose you could draw a redeeming social allegory out of the director’s imagery, but it’s everything I just find contrived and pretentious in horror.

4. Don’t Torture A Duckling (1972)- This one came up during my survey of the giallo genre, by my Number 2 archnemesis, Lucio Fulci. A serial killer targets adolescent boys who are starting to go bad, while the authorities interview a series of obvious red herrings who still don’t make any less sense than the actual killer. I literally said while I was watching this that I could not do anything with this. It’s cringey sensuality, irritating characters, a poorly paced story and the bonus of ludicrous effects for the villain’s demise, none of which added up to anything I found worthwhile to comment on. You got lucky on this one, Lucio…

3. Killers From Space (1954)- A test pilot recovering from a crash is troubled by memories of being held captive by mysterious entities. As his memory returns, he warns his superiors of an alien base where insects and other creepy crawlies are being raised to gigantic size for a war against humankind. This fairly early B-movie combines laughable “alien” costumes with routine nature footage and a tame plot. It rivals even Robot Monster and the work of Ed Wood as the weakest and most truly inept of its kind, adding a sense of laziness to its considerable faults.

2. Wild World of Batwoman (1966)- A lady superhero sends her amateur fangirls to catch criminals, then is surprised when they are captured by a mad scientist with a doomsday bomb. For a variety of good reasons, I chose Invasion of the (the) Eye Creatures over this one as the worst movie shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000. By almost any technical or narrative standard, however, this is actually worse by a wide margin. The plot is nonsense, the supposed heroines are irritating, stupid and cowardly (to the point of running out of a room when the bomb is about to go off- and it does), and the late and incredibly shoddy black-and-white camerawork makes Night of the Living Dead look like Dr. Strangelove. I spared it on the small virtue that it is intended as a comedy, and I freely admit that it can make me laugh when it is trying to be funny… occasionally. “End! END!!!”

1. Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)- A weasel-like creature escapes from a crashed space probe, wreaking havoc as it turns humans into giant mutant weasels. I think. Allegedly shot entirely by a teenager, this one just might be the most actually inept film I have ever watched, which once again isn’t the same as “worst” (see Ingagi). This is the kind of production that makes an Ed Wood film look like polished, linear narrative. Viewed in the right mood and setting, it just might be fun.

So, there’s my list. Do you think these films are good, bad or no big deal? Have you heard of any of them? Do you think you’ve seen worse??? At any rate, I’ve got something to round out the week. That’s all for now, more to come!

Animation Defenestration: The one that lost to Claymation Pinocchio

 

 

Title: Puss In Boots: The Last Wish aka Puss In Boots 2

What Year?: 2022

Classification: Weird Sequel

Rating: That’s Good! (4/4)

 

As I write this, I have been recovering from a shock: Everything Everywhere All At Once, a film I went out of the way to review while it was in theaters, actually swept the Oscars. The obvious joke is that I usually deal with the opposite of “best” pictures, which is certainly true but for far more complicated reasons. In fact, I do have one area of interest that has regularly brought me within ranting distance of the annual awards show, and that is the animation category. In any given year, I have usually seen most if not all of the films up for the award, so of course, I am almost always able to say that the “winner” is the wrong choice. That will serve as an intersecting arc to a movie I have been trying not to review, despite already watching it into the ground. Because I have no better plan, I’m surrendering and reviewing Puss In Boots: The Last Wish. And yeah, it’s great.

Our story begins with narration of a star falling to Earth, bearing a single wish for anyone who can reach it. We then catch up with Puss In Boots, who gets himself squished when a party in his own honor turns into a fight with a Pan’s Labyrinth pseudo-Celtic giant. It turns out that this doesn’t mean any more that going to the penalty box, as every cat in this universe really does have 9 lives. However, it turns out that his latest death is Number 8. He is still unphased, until he gets his tail handed to him by a mysterious anthropomorphic wolf. He goes into hiding in the house of a crazy cat lady, where he meets an aspiring therapy dog. His past catches up with him when he crosses paths with Goldilocks and the Three Bears and his old flame Kitty Softpaws. It turns out that a race is on to reach the wishing star, with the aid of an ever-changing magical map, and the leading contender is the completely malevolent grown-up Jack Horner. Of course, the real story is the journey as the cats and the dog team up to overcome the obstacles in their path. But can Puss hold his own when the actual Grim Reaper catches up with him?

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish was a 2022 CGI animated film from Dreamworks (see AntZ), developed as the 6^th film in the Shrek franchise and a sequel to the 2011 spinoff film Puss In Boots. The production was reportedly 11 years in development. Antonio Banderas returned as Puss, with Selma Hayek Pinault as Kitty, the only other recurring character from the preceding film. Other cast included Harvey Guillen as Perrito, Florence Pugh of Midsommar as Goldilocks, and Brazillian-born actor/ filmmaker Wagner Moura as the Wolf/ Death. The film was released in late 2022, with reportedly pessimistic expectations. It went on to earn over $470 million worldwide, and many favorable reviews from both “mainstream” and animation/ genre critics. In 2023, it lost to Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio for best animated film. The film is currently available for streaming on Peacock.

For my experiences, beyond my decade-long chain rant about how a prestigious and competitive award turned into Not Even The Best Disney Movie (see also Muck Over Laika), what made this one stand out is that it was under my radar. To me, the “event” for animation in 2022 was The Bad Guys (which I have been meaning to get to), followed by Pinocchio and perhaps League of Super Pets. At the end of the year, I felt secure that I had seen or at least heard about everything on the field, until I somewhat belatedly saw that the usual channels were blowing up with praise for a Shrek sequel. Inevitably, I worked it in, and was if anything a little underwhelmed. What struck me, before and after watching it, was that these were not just praises for the animation, but deeply felt emotional responses. I gave it another try with a very close friend who had just lost a family member. That left me convinced that this was, if not the best cartoon of the year, a very effective and resonant one.

Moving forward, what’s really worth saying is that this movie starts doing what Dreamworks already had down with Shrek 1 and 2. (Yes, that sequel was better, too.) That shows especially the music, which I have often ended up regretfully skipping in my more recent reviews. Heitor Pereira, who apparently transitioned from live-action to mid-tier animation scores back in the mid-2000s, takes over for John Powell and Harold Gregson-Williams (see my heroic music countdown), and the resulting feel is in line with my overall impression of the film: Nothing new, but a sincere tribute that can sometimes improve on its source material. The improvement part shows most in the utterly insane cast of supporting characters, which I obviously truncated above. There’s an ample supply of one-liners and gags, especially from Goldilocks, Horner (I know, John Mulaney) and the Wolf. To me, what’s really noteworthy is that the film finally evolves the franchise beyond “meta” humor for its own sake. The throw-away gags and one-note characters have been replaced with contextualized dialogue and fully developed genre satire. The difference shows the most in the quite brief interactions between the villain and the Jimminy Cricket analogue, which skewers any number of tropes without ever depending on the viewer to know a reference on sight.

That really leaves the story, and this is where I find certain issues. For the most part, this stays in established “safe” territory, to a degree that has been overlooked or downplayed by reviewers. As a rule, plot points and morals are routine and telegraphed well in advance. The real “problem” is that the exceptions are more like loose ends. This is a minor issue with the subplot of the Wolf and the almost unavoidable spoilers, which in the proverbial light of day isn’t that big a part of the story. It’s a major issue with the map, which to me never gets developed beyond an exposition generator. The deceptive oversight is that few if any stories using the “treasure map” device try to explain where it came from (not to mention why its creator or any previous owners didn’t go back for the treasure already). What is genuinely missing is some idea of what the “map” is. In many ways, it acts like an extension of the Wishing Star itself, which could have been highly intriguing with or without further development. But the lack of development leaves a further gap in what is a significant theme, that the Star is quite actively discouraging and resisting those who are looking for it. If this feels like a minor gripe about a good film, it is by all means because it is. Still, overanalysis is what I do (see Planet Of Dinosaurs), and I maintain that it is the clearest indicator where films can do better.

Now for the “one scene”, this is a film that could be all honorable mentions, with the nod going to Puss’s first encounter with the Wolf. (Yes, his escape route is exactly what it looks like…) What gets on my good side are the scenes with Goldilocks and her adopted bear family, who I am prepared to defend as the most well-developed and entertaining of the movie’s rogues’ gallery. Out of this wealth of material, the one I came back to is their capture of the technically unnamed Perrito. At this point, the bears and the orphan are bored and arguing whether taking the hostage will get them the map back. That becomes an exchange of insults between Goldilocks and the “Baby” Bear, which the father ursine probably doesn’t help by confirming the one thing his biological offspring takes offense at. By his usual unwarranted optimism, the dog is amused enough to join in. Yet, it becomes clear that he has rightly judged that these rogues are fundamentally different from the antagonists we already know would just kill him. By the time he has gotten through a censored string of insults, the bears seem bemused enough to let him go. He then gives an honest appraisal of the family that even Goldi takes him seriously. As Mother Bear speaks up for him, the bears look away for just a moment. Then we get my absolute favorite line, “No crimebacks!”

In closing, I come back to my venting about the Oscars. After years of short cuts and institutional rot, this was finally a case of a difficult decision. Pinocchio was at least a very well-animated film, and we were at least 10 years overdue for recognition of the stop-motion/ Claymation category. By comparison, the present film was a checklist of the things that make a “losing” film: It was “mainstream”, it was a sequel (the one offense that gets even Disney films mulched), and ultimately, it was popular. It can at least be said that it got recognition, which finally means something again. I, for one, can happily recommend it to anyone who has somehow avoided it. That’s enough to call it a day.

Featured Creature Special: The one where the werewolves have guns

 

 

Title: The Howling

What Year?: 1981

Classification: Runnerup/ Parody/ Anachronistic Outlier

Rating: What The Hell??? (2/4)

 

As I write this, I have been taking longer than usual to decide on a film to review. What’s different is that I have actually gone a good stretch without watching a movie at all. That brought my decision down to whatever I finally watched, and as often happens, I already had a rental that I was not looking forward to. So with that glowing endorsement, I’m wading into a movie that I had watched exactly once and still remembered being disappointed by. I present The Howling, the movie that deconstructed the werewolf ahead of An American Werewolf In London, and boy, did they not do it better.

Our story begins with a reporter named Karen who goes out on an obviously hare-brained attempt to catch a serial killer that ends in a last-minute rescue that leaves the killer bullet-riddled in the morgue. After the traumatizing experience, a psychiatrist sends Karen and her husband out to the Colony, a counterculture settlement where people go to reconnect with nature. But all is not well, as the inhabitants mutter of dark secrets and a resident maneater. Meanwhile, the body of the killer has disappeared, leading the reporter’s colleagues to suspect that he might not be as dead as the authorities believe. In fact, the killer and the inhabitants of the Colony are all werewolves, living a conflicted existence under the doctor’s direction. It’s up to the reporter and her work friend to get out alive- but her husband is already one of the lycanthropes!

The Howling was a 1981 horror film directed by Joe Dante (see InnerSpace, Gremlins 2), based on the first of a series of novels by Gary Bradner. It was the first of three werewolf films released in 1981, preceding Wolfen and An American Werewolf In London. No serious allegation emerged that any of the films had copied each other. The film starred Dee Wallace as Karen and Patrick Macnee as the psychiatrist Dr. Waggner, with Robert Picardo (see Dead Heat) as the killer Eddie Quist. Other cast included John Carradine (Shock Waves), Dick Miller (Terminator, Night of the Creeps), and Elisabeth Brooks (Deep Space???) as Marsha. Creature effects were created by Rob Bottin, after Rick Baker (see King Kong 1976) left the project for American Werewolf. Additional stop-motion effects were created by David Allen (see Dungeonmaster, Robot Jox, etc, etc, etc), all of which were cut or replaced except for a shot of a group of werewolves at the end of the film. The film was a commercial success, earning $17.9 million against a $1.5M budget. It received 7 official sequels, none of which appear to have followed Bradner’s additional books. The movie is available for streaming on AMC Plus.

For my experiences, this is a film I watched on VHS in college, probably before American Werewolf. What has remained most interesting is that the two films represent an already undisputed case of what I call a “runnerup”, as well as a much rarer case where two such parallel productions were roughly equal in their impact and stature (compare to AntZ and A Bug’s Life). To me, what has been most intriguing in a sad way is that the two films are in every important respect opposites to each other. One was a highly polished medium-budget film from a “mainstream” director. The other was openly a low-budget genre film by a newcomer who never outgrew his roots. Unfortunately, this is an especially clear-cut case where the establishment unquestionably produced far better results.

Moving forward, the most significant and counterintuitive comparison to be made between this film and American Werewolf is that the latter was a “horror comedy” but not a horror parody. The present film is in itself proof of the difference. It aims to be knowing and subversive in its genre references and inside jokes, the best by far being a lead villain who hands a gun back to the nosy guy reporter. The “problem” is that there is not a lot here that is funny on its own terms. The most effective satirical elements come, tellingly, not from the gags but from the domestic dysfunctionality of the werewolves. They are set up as leftovers from another time (which could have worked far better if we knew something about their aging if any) trying to adapt to modernity. Left to their own devices, they present an unsettlingly mundane picture of a cult: Banal, petty, bickering and often simply bored. It’s an intriguing angle greatly improved by strong acting and dialogue, but on a certain level, it never goes anywhere. In the final confrontation, it’s quite clear all the arguments among the pack are merely a half-hearted delay before the inevitable. The real surprise is that the lone dissenter doesn’t get lunched by his own side.

Meanwhile, my personal beef has always been with the effects, and that only got worse when I looked into the history of the production. At best, the creatures are outdated off the drawing board, adding to an already strong vibe of a 1970s movie that happened to come out in the Eighties. At worst, they are inert and distractingly odd. (And dear Logos, what were they thinking with those ears???) Before the inevitable objections, this was only a year before the same guy made The Thing, and two years after Alien. They could definitely do better. What’s worse is that the more rudimentary makeup effects are far more menacing, especially as seen on Picardo (whom I did not recognize despite noting his presence on many other occasions). His full transformation is the biggest washout, to the point that his intended victim easily deals with him while he is still standing there. A further indictment comes from the tryst between Marsha and the newly turned husband, which for all its awkwardness manages to achieve the stylized surrealism the film clearly intended to give. My true rage moment came when I found unused stop-motion by Allen in a bonus feature. The final insult came as I discovered that what I remembered as the only shot where the wolves looked good was in fact the only remnant of his work on the film.

Now for the “one scene”, I decided it was long past time to feature the late Dick Miller, the greatest cameo artist in history. He appears around the mid-point as proprietor of an occult bookstore. The clip I found starts with him talking to the secondary reporters about the patrons of his store, allegedly including a certain real-life cultist. When the lady reporter asks about grave robbery, he matter-of-factly gives them a book. Of course, the conversation turns to werewolves, and a case of silver bullets whose origin should count as a plot hole yet actually works. In the process, he lays out the werewolves’ strengths and weaknesses. For me, what makes the scene is when the guy reporter comes out and asks if he actually believes anything he has been saying. His reply is better heard than described. Suffice to say, it’s as good a deconstruction of the genre and underlying mythology as anything in the film.

In closing, what I decided was worth coming back to is what makes a parody. Obviously, that has become far more pertinent in a landscape where revisionism, deconstruction and “meta” humor have become a genre in themselves. As I have shown regularly, we were already in the same cycle long, long ago. The one lesson worth learning is that a “good” genre satire has to be something more, and the best explanation of what works is to look at the examples that already succeed.  If you had never seen a Star Trek episode, Galaxy Quest would still be funny. If you cut all the jokes out of Shaun of the Dead, it would still be a good zombie movie. By comparison, The Howling is and always was going to be the “runnerup” to American Werewolf. I can get why people like this one and might even find it more entertaining than its competitor, or I would probably give it a lower rating than I have. It still remains a film that struggles to be decent, let alone “great”. And with that, I can finish for another day.

Animation Defenestration: The other one from Netflix

 

 

Title: Pinocchio aka Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio

What Year?: 2022

Classification: Weird Sequel/ Improbable Experiment

Rating: What The Hell??? (2/4)

 

As I write this, I’m just coming out of a spell that has beat the Hell out of my blogging, and well aware that I was having plenty of trouble before. One thing I remembered in the process ia that it has been a really long time since I did an animation review. That brought me to look through some new and old material I had been meaning to get to, and that led me to something truly different, except for the time I did the exact same thing. I present Pinocchio, the Netflix version, and it is… odd. Even for me.

Our story begins with an introduction to Geppetto, a toymaker who tragically loses his only child to war. Fast forward, and we find him as an old man wishing for a second chance. Somehow, his wish reaches the Blue Fairy, a freaky entity that looks half old-school fairy and half hard-core Biblical angel, who as usual does what nobody asked for and won’t necessarily help by bringing one of his wooden puppets to life. In this variation, the townspeople actually notice a fully sentient magical entity in their midst and prepare to destroy the abomination. The love of Geppetto wins them over, however, at least for the time being. Things go awry when the father tries to send his son to school for no obvious reason, only to have him wander off with a literal slavemaster of a showman who still actually puts the puppet to productive work. As the misadventures continue, Pinocchio discovers the price of the miracle that brought him to life: He can die after a fashion, as explained by the actually helpful Queen of the Netherworld, but he is destined to return to life every time. This soon attracts the interest of the military, which turns out to be the forces of Mussolini, while Geppetto is swallowed by the enormous Dogfish. Pinocchio must escape the actual Fascists and save his father from the sea monster, but the price of his choices may be forever!

Pinocchio is a 2022 Claymation film by Guillermo Del Toro (see Mimic 2, kind of) and Jim Henson Productions, based on the novel The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi (see… Pinocchio In Outer Space?). Del Toro had reportedly developed the project since 2008, before securing funding from Netflix (see The Mitchells Vs. The Machines). It was released for streaming in 2022, coinciding with a Disney remake of the 1940 film of the same name (no way in Hell…) and at least one other adaptation of the book. In contrast to the Disney film, the Netflix film was well-received by animation fans and critics. It remains available for streaming on Netflix.

For my experiences, what stands out in my mind is that I had a reverse of the usual pop culture experience: When I was a kid, I obviously knew of the Disney film, but my one direct experience with the strange mythos was reading an apparently faithful storybook version of the novel. In full hindsight, I came to two conclusions. First, the Disney film is the all-around best the studio ever made, which is like a confession under torture for a lifelong Fantasia junkie like me. (See Allegro Non Troppo, if anything…) Second, almost everything the film achieved was in spite of source material that is, to use “authentic” Serbo-Croatian, absolute kaka. Sure, I didn’t read the “real” book, but I got through the original story without prejudice, and it couldn’t win over kid me. Moreover, every account I can recall from those who have credibly claimed to be familiar with the  novel are even less favorable than mine, to the point of raising the question if the author qualifies as proto-Fascist. (Oh yeah, everybody hates the Blue Fairy.) With all that unloaded, I freely admit to being puzzled why such an inauspicious book has been adapted repeatedly, before and after the Disney film, and why, outside of the Disney influence, it would continue to attract interest today. If you’re asking these questions, the present film offers some answers, but still won’t help.

Moving forward, the obvious thing to say about this film is that it is both beautifully animated and strikingly mature. This surely accounts for why it has won over animation reviewers, who have long since tired of both mindlessly cute “kids” animation and gross-out gags posing as “adult” animation. If there is a problem, it is that this is neither fish nor fowl. The very freaky animation is not going to win over kids, while the story is still not as dark as the novel or even the Disney original. Then there are two specific choices that can be considered bold yet don’t deliver a proportionate payoff. First, the literally rough-hewn design of Pinocchio himself is an odd point to depart from both Disney and the novel, which can border on distracting. The only real “plus” to come with it is that it’s easier to accept the nose of this unsanded wooden boy sprouting into a sapling. Second, the Pleasure Island episode is entirely replaced with a new anti-war narrative. This removes the most famous, memorable and flatly horrifying scenes of the core narrative, and with it admittedly a number of effects that could have turned out badly in the Claymation medium. Of course, the question is and should be what we get in return. The explicit depiction of Fascism gives the film a much stronger political bite, in many ways on par with the actual Disney propaganda cartoons. Even so, the return is modest at best, and again, it just feels like a poor compromise. It isn’t nearly edgy enough to push this into adult-oriented satire, yet it falls even further short of the sheer existential terror of the allegedly all-ages Disney “original”.

That still leaves the bigger question, what does this do with the story and especially the character? If there’s a distinct “take” here, it is that this Pinocchio has even fewer moral flaws than the Disneyfied version, without losing all nuance. He is seemingly incapable of the foul temper and outright malice of the novel’s antihero (you can bet I always knew what happens to the cricket, but he can most certainly be manipulated, deceived and coerced. What one is tempted to look for is any sign of the story questioning the very skewed “lessons” of the novel. We get a little of this in a late sequence where Pinocchio freely uses his growing nose to good purpose, in the process clearly delineating between obvious fantasy and damaging untruths. The greatest potential lies in Pinocchio being sent to school. Here, we are given a clear rationale, which could have been an intriguing if Pinocchio actually got into the classroom. What would have been most interesting, however, would have been a legitimate debate over whether human education would benefit an entity who demonstrates the power to speak at a minimum within moments of his creation. That leaves one more unavoidable rant on Del Toro, who has rarely turned out anything I didn’t promptly see and like. In light of that history, this film felt like the epitaph of a good friend who died doing something stupid. There’s all the wonder and weirdness he brought to Mimic, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy. But with it is the inescapable feeling that even then, he was hitting the boundaries of his own limitations as much as what the studio system would support.

That leaves the “one scene”, and the one I decided to come back to was his first meeting with the Queen of the Netherworld, who has no name within the film. After Pinocchio is carried into the underworld, he emerges from a ceremonial coffin and talks to a group of odd characters who brought him in. One of them comments that he will have to see “the boss”, without interrupting a card game. Sure enough, a red light shines on Pinocchio, and he comes into the presence of the Queen. At first, she is only evidenced by two glowing spotlight eyes and her voice, the latter courtesy of Tilda Swinton. The form comes into full view as the most strange and memorable creature in the movie, something like a manticore with horns, semi-vestigial wings and a surplus of eyes. The most unsettling feature is that there is no movement of her lips as she explains Pinocchio’s plight with far more clarity and empathy than the Blue Fairy, referred to as her “sister”. One can read reincarnation or resurrection into her description of Pinocchio as a “wooden boy with a borrowed soul”, but nothing more is said to clarify the issue. Her final reveal is that Pinocchio will spend more time in the Netherworld each time he dies, shown with an ominous hourglass. The wooden boy declares that he has a question, but of course, his time has run out. It’s a great scene in a generally good movie, and that sums up why I find the whole less than its parts.

In closing, I come as usual to the rating. This is one case where I freely admit that my rating is harsher than the objective quality warrants. However, I have always said that my reviews are on a curve that can swing both ways. Given what I’m usually dealing with, that means I’m being generous far more often than not, but that doesn’t mean I have gone so nose-blind that I cannot hold truly talented creators to a higher and completely appropriate standard. For me personally, the rating is first and foremost an expression of my disappointment. It’s obviously not bad, it’s certainly better than other movies I have given the same rating (see Chicken Little), it’s just not the same from a creator who can usually hit my soft spots even on his off-day. For me, that’s enough to count as closure. “If I had legs…”

Fiction: The Space Guys Adventure, Part 14!

 It's Tuesday and I haven't done anything this week, so here's another installment of the Space Guys, specifically a chapter I revised more than anything else, which is the "spicy" chapter. As usual, a table of contents is at the end.

Within 12 hours of the ceremony, preparations were begun for the most complex operation of the voyage, refueling. The ship pulled into orbit over Ganymede, the largest planet’s largest moon, where almost 300 people lived in the sprawling settlement of Minerva City. A flotilla of ships gathered, always flaming desperately to match the speed the Janus held by momentum, while the great ship released its own little fleet of 3 medium shuttlecraft and 6 utility pods. Jason and Alek were chosen to pick up a load of volatile hydrogen tanks. It was Harrison who discretely told them, “Some of the crew were concerned you might be having trouble. The captain has offered to reassign you, or take you off duty.”

“No,” Alek said, as if genuinely puzzled. “We are fine.”

They passed Anastasia and Donald. The former was bolting the latter into a barrel-like hard suit that the engineers had repurposed as radiation gear. As she calibrated a mechanical accordion arm, her husband tried to pinch her. She screeched and gave the headpiece a sharp rap with her tool. Alek smiled; Jason shook his head and kept walking. He paused as they passed Moxon, leaning against a bulkhead with one leg propped against the wall. His lips were moving; Jason realized that he was humming the Major Maxon theme. He almost called out to the officer. Then he took a closer look. Only then did he realize that Moxon was asleep. He backed away before hurrying to catch up with Alek.

The shuttlecraft was really quite large in comparison to anything but the Pegasus and the Janus itself, 8.4 meters long and able to carry either 8 passengers or a metric ton of cargo. It launched from a double docking port on either side of the Mission Fuselage, an arrangement that allowed loading and unloading at the same time. Because of the airlock configuration, there was usually one moored on the left facing backwards or turned sideways as theirs was. They entered through the belly airlock and climbed into the cockpit. Harrison joined them at a communication console at the rear. The cockpit was a panoramic half-ovoid that seemed to suspend the pilots in space. What they could mostly see was the Janus, an impressive sight on its own. As they unmoored, Alek took Jason’s hand. They drifted to the side for a few moments before the thrusters kicked in. The craft wheeled about and headed for the moon.

Through the return trip, they remained in surprisingly comfortable silence. As they approached the dock, Jason turned to Alek. “We should talk to someone,” he said.

“Who?” Alek said.

They started with Anastasia. She went with them to Dr. Cahill. They had barely begun to talk before she sighed and said, “Talk to Tanya.”

They found the officer in the communications cabin with Smith, the American. The Union officer amicably left to make room as they entered, with Anastasia tagging along. Tanya swiveled to look over Alek and then Jason. “You may not have noticed,” she said, “but you two are getting more talk than any other couple on the ship.  So, what brings you here?”

“Well, ah, they told us you used to help people with, um, this sort of thing,” Jason said. “Ah, what is it you do?”

Tanya smiled. “I gave my husband five children, to start with,” she said. “That scandalizes the enlightened people more than you three ever have. A while later, I was made the head of the Federation’s health and education program, along with another woman, Abakumov. It was really to increase birth rates. We had slogans, `shells for the Motherland’, ‘the pleasure of duty’. We were the laughingstock of the Federation and the Union. We let them laugh, they knew we were getting results.”

“All right, that makes sense,” Jason said. “Wait… You said there was another. Was that Sasha Abakumov?”

“That’s right, if she didn’t finally drop her married name,” Tanya said. “She took a ticket to Mars when she fell out with the Party. Did you know her?”

Alek smiled at that. “You could say that,” she said. “He’s told me about her.”

That made Anastasia gape. “Why in the heavens would you tell an Earthwoman about- Damn. I wouldn’t have thought you had it in you.”

“It is funny story, really,” Alek said, grinning. “I tell him at beginning, there are things you do for me, things I do for you, and things I do for myself. But he tells me, there is a crazy Federation woman on Mars who shows men how to take care of a woman. Finally, I tell him, you can try. I will tell you when you fail. Should have let him do it much sooner. After, I tell him, you have very enlightened women.”

“It was my parents’ idea, actually,” he said. “They paid for, well, private sessions. Jax’s folks chipped in, too.”

“Well, that’s different,” Tanya said. “How did you get from there to here?”

“So, I wanted to do my part,” Alek said. "Maybe give him a few ideas. I got a special record to show Jason…”

“I hate to say it, but I heard,” Ana said.

“So did I,” Tanya said with a curl of her lip. “About the record, anyway. So how badly did that go?”

“He watch for maybe 5 minutes,” Alek said, holding Jason’s arm. “It started with a woman walking. She passes a man, he tries to talk to her, she tells him to get lost, he follows her. Then he asks her to come to his apartment, she says yes. So he tells her to take her clothes off, she says no… then Jason walks out. I find him when he walk all the way back. I try to make him tell me what didn’t no work…”

Jason nearly walked out then and there. “I did tell you,” he said. “He hit her. That’s never okay. Good boys don’t hit girls…” He trailed off with a blush. He calculated leaving the cabin. The first thing that stopped him was that Anastasia was in the way. The second was Tanya’s genuinely kind gaze.

 “She could have told you, it wouldn’t work,” she said with a cool glance at Anastasia. “Not on a man who had been to Sasha. Things like that are made for men by other men, which really means men who know what they want. A man with nothing but that will have more to unlearn than learn. On Mars, things are different. Why is looking for a needle in a stack of needles. We investigated, when the Federation was still enforcing morality rules. Things like that had always come in with the offworld spacers. It wasn’t catching on with the Martians, and it was virtually non-existent with the ones who were born on-planet. The people who wrote up the report decided that the conditions had removed the demand: Good education, close-knit families, and older, progressive women raising children. They gave all the credit to the Party’s progressive policies, of course. It was as good an explanation as any, really.”

Anastasia snorted. “There’s progressive women here and there, mostly on the Union side,” she said. “In the Federation sectors we still have old women who say, a man is good enough if he only hits you with an open hand and only when he is drunk.”

“It’s not that complicated,” Jason said. “The whole time I watched that film, I just kept thinking it wasn’t real. I’ve talked to Martians who saw things like it, and they all said the same thing. Really, I almost got space-sick watching it. I couldn’t even tell if the girl looked that good. They just kept doing closeups of things, like nobody ever walked in on his sister before…”

“It’s the camerawork,” Ana affirmed. “I looked at a few myself. Most of them are made with cheap equipment by people who barely know how to use it. If they do know what they’re doing, they still shoot what the men on Gaia care about. And of course, with our enhancements, any movie is at three-quarter speed and 5 to 10 times magnification....”

Tanya nodded. “We never even thought about that,” she said. “Figures.” She looked intently at Alek. “So, why did you really show him that?”

Alek crossed her arms in a pout. “I want him to act like a man’s man,” she said. “When we are making love, he is always talking, talking, talking. I keep telling him, why don’t you just grab me and violate me?” She glanced at Anastasia. “Like you and Donald.”

“All right, I don’t want to be here,” Anastasia said.

“Then go,” Tanya said in bemusement. Again, she looked intently at Alek. “What do you mean?”

“She doesn’t understand what it means,” Jason snapped. Inside, he was fighting an urge to recoil. “We’ve talked about this. Making love isn’t about what we do, it’s about doing what we both want. I keep telling you, anything you ask for, it isn’t- that!”

“Then why don’t you listen to what I say?” Alek fumed. “Why won’t you listen when I am not talking? Be boss to me! Stop asking me what I want to do when what I want is for you to be quiet!”

“Hold on,” Tanya said. “He doesn’t understand. Neither do you. There are men who hurt women, really hurt them. He’s not like that, neither is Donald. You don’t know what a bad man is like until you meet one. Honestly, I’ve never met another woman your age who hasn’t.”

“You’ve definitely got the wrong idea about Donald,” Anastasia said. “I let him be a wolf when we are out in the open. I like it, I love him for it. But when we are alone, he is a lapdog. I teach him his tricks, and reward him when he performs. Sit, beg, roll over. If he ever bit the hand that feeds him, he would be wishing he was fixed.”

 “Let me tell you what a man’s man is like,” Tanya said. “When he was young, my man was handsome as a movie star. He never raised a hand. He hardly raised his voice. But he would whisper to me what he wanted. He could give me a look, and I would know. He would carry me to bed with the children watching. And he never did a thing to me that I didn’t enjoy as much as he did.”

Alek’s lips curled into a wicked smile. “So what do the farmboys go for?”

Tanya grinned back. “Oh, we looked into that,” she said. “We found out about boys and men trading for things we would never have thought to restrict. Most of it was pretty obvious. You know, animal films cut down to just the parts about mating behavior. The thing that was catching on was animation. We looked at stuff the farmboys made themselves that was really impressive, I mean technically. God, there must have been a hundred with Sparky the Squirrel alone; we barely stopped a Party minister from accusing the studio of being involved. Then there was the stuff that was just weird…”

“I’ll tell you one thing,” Anastasia chimed in. “They’ll watch anything with animals. There’s plenty of ways to leverage that. Another thing you’ll see just from that, they are good with body language, if you can get them to look at you.”

Alek looked at Jason thoughtfully. “Yes,” she said. “When you put it that way, I can see that.”

As the women turned toward him, Jason broke his silence. “Okay, there was one thing,” he said. “It was one of the educational films, like Tanya was talking about. So, it was about whales…”

They all continued to talk, and laugh, until Anastasia blushed as she giggled. Finally, Alek said, “There is something I still do not understand. I talk to old woman in my hometown. She said to me, when you are grown, you may meet man who will say he will hurt you if he cannot have you. She said, do not fear that man, because he will not really hurt you, at least not so bad he cannot have you, or have you again. But there is another kind of man who would rather hurt you than have you. Run from a man like that if you meet him, because that man is mad. I did not understand, I still do not understand. Is that what this is about? What a man like on the disc is like?”

“No,” Anastasia said. “Not really. But I can understand.”

“Look at it this way,” Tanya said. “Think about Moxon.”

Alek’s frown became a scowl. Jason saw Anastasia visibly stiffen. “What about Moxon?” Alek said. “He would no never do that. He would not care about that. Any woman can see that.”

“Yes,” Tanya said. “Now just think, what might a man like him do instead?”

Alek considered, and paled. Anastasia did the same without delay. “Moj boze,” she said. She took Jason’s hand. “You are a good boy, my farmboy. I’m done trying to change you.”

They finally left the cabin when Tanya’s shift ended. Alek offered Jason her hand. He waved for her to go ahead. She did so without hesitation, still talking and laughing with Tanya. Jason remained seated, gazing at Anastasia. “I need to know,” he said. “What really happened?” Anastasia only shook her head. “Moxon said something, didn’t he?”

“He came to me, right after I talked with the captain,” she said. She gazed past him at the banded orb of Jupiter. “It’s still not like you think. He said I was going to marry Donald. I knew that, so did he. That wasn’t the point. What he told me was that I’m going to be a faithful wife. He told me I wasn’t going to spend time with Jackie or any other man again, even if Donald told me I could. He said if it came to that, I was to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble either.”

“Did he threaten you?” Jason pressed. “Did he say he would do something to you?”

“No,” she said. Suddenly, she threw her arms around Jason’s neck. Only then did she whisper: “He said he could make Jackie do it.”

Table of contents

Part 1. The demo!

Part 2. The villain!

Part 3. The world-building!

Part 4. The romance!

Part 5. The killer robot!

Part 6: The shuttle ride!

Part 7: Alternate universe pop culture!

Part 8: The launch!

Part 9: The girl talk!

Part 10: The domestic disturbance!!!

Part 11: The Space Nazis!!!

Part 12: The inevitable geography lesson!

Part 13: The wedding!!!