As I write this, I have been overdue for a movie
review, and finally decided to do another list (see my best and worst posts).
For broader context, I’m in the neighborhood of 300 movie reviews, including
what I freely endorse as the worst movies ever made that both survive and
fulfill all major characteristics of a movie. In the process, I have frequently
commented that there are indeed films I have passed over as “too bad” to
review. As an appendix to my "worst" movie feature, I have finally decided to give a representative list of the ones I
threw back and why they did not work for what I do. So, here goes with a
countdown…
10. Bride of the Monster (1955)- A mad
scientist plots world conquest, or something. This gets in here simply as a
representative example for the work of Ed Wood, who got a “good” review for Plan 9 From Outer Space and never got back on my radar. The general comment I
have to make about Wood’s infamous filmography is that he represents what is to
me the bare minimum of competency. I base that on two things. First, his work
is coherent, to the extent that they normally satisfy the definition of
a narrative sound film: There is a story, characters, dialogue, and enough
ideas to provide deeper themes and meaning. Second, the balance of Wood’s
efforts are sufficient to demonstrate the knowledge and capability to make a
“good” film. The corresponding reality is that the vast majority of his problems
came down to not having money, and that in turn had everything to do with
making films in the 1950s while being Ed Wood. My verdict is, yes, they are
“that bad”, but I could never find interest or entertainment in taking them
apart.
9. Xtro (1983)- This is the story of a boy
whose father returns from an alien abduction, as the spawn of an alien and a
human woman. Another kind of (dis)honorable mention, this is a film that was
never on the board because I have never wanted to watch it. It’s an Alien
knockoff that skips story, character development and coherent xenobiology in favor of
stringing together as much creepy Freudian imagery as possible, which actually
manage to go downhill from a woman giving birth to an adult man. As a bonus,
the cut that I actually watched all the way through had a version of the ending that I have never found again. I tried it, I am not going back. Next…
8. The Phantom Empire (1988)- An ancient
subterranean civilization happens to emerge in the California suburbs. An
expedition discovers Sybil Danning (see Battle Beyond The Stars), an alleged Robby the Robot rig and recycled
effects from Planet of Dinosaurs. This was my first round with the work
of Fred Olen Ray, who got on my good side with Deep Space. It’s a
direct-to-video mess that occasionally rises to “so bad it’s good”, not what I
do.
7. Star Crystal (1986)- An interplanetary
expedition discovers a crystal that turns into a deadly alien. It’s very
possibly the worst 1980s monster movie I have personally viewed. One or two
decent suspense/ jump scare sequences and a cop-out twist ending make it a
little more interesting than it deserves to be. I didn’t care enough to get
back to it.
6. Flesh Gordon (1974)- Yes, the Flash
Gordon porn parody. I really didn’t want to include this one, but I haven’t
made a secret that I had seen this one, so I’m throwing it in. The problem with
this one is that it has less to say about changing mores and gender roles than
the De Laurentiis version got away with under a PG rating. What’s left is a clearly
intelligent genre satire that throws in with the status quo wherever it matters.
Watch the actually good stop-motion effects in video clips, skip the rest. I
suppose I should credit this as the nucleus of my Space Guys proxy rant about how
much “adult” entertainment (especially the 1970s variety) doesn’t work for
people with sensory differences.
5. The People Under The Stairs (1991)- Children
are raised in hiding by a brother and sister. I planned on getting in one “big
budget” movie here, and this entry from Wes Craven really deserves it. I
suppose you could draw a redeeming social allegory out of the director’s
imagery, but it’s everything I just find contrived and pretentious in horror.
4. Don’t Torture A Duckling (1972)- This one
came up during my survey of the giallo genre, by my Number 2 archnemesis, Lucio
Fulci. A serial killer targets adolescent boys who are starting to go bad,
while the authorities interview a series of obvious red herrings who still
don’t make any less sense than the actual killer. I literally said while I was
watching this that I could not do anything with this. It’s cringey sensuality,
irritating characters, a poorly paced story and the bonus of ludicrous effects
for the villain’s demise, none of which added up to anything I found worthwhile
to comment on. You got lucky on this one, Lucio…
3. Killers From Space (1954)- A test
pilot recovering from a crash is troubled by memories of being held captive by
mysterious entities. As his memory returns, he warns his superiors of an alien
base where insects and other creepy crawlies are being raised to gigantic size
for a war against humankind. This fairly early B-movie combines laughable
“alien” costumes with routine nature footage and a tame plot. It rivals even Robot Monster and the work of Ed Wood as the weakest and most truly inept of its
kind, adding a sense of laziness to its considerable faults.
2. Wild World of Batwoman (1966)- A lady
superhero sends her amateur fangirls to catch criminals, then is surprised when
they are captured by a mad scientist with a doomsday bomb. For a variety of good reasons, I chose Invasion of the (the) Eye Creatures over this one as the worst movie shown on Mystery
Science Theater 3000. By almost any technical or narrative standard,
however, this is actually worse by a wide margin. The plot is nonsense, the
supposed heroines are irritating, stupid and cowardly (to the point of running
out of a room when the bomb is about to go off- and it does), and the
late and incredibly shoddy black-and-white camerawork makes Night of the
Living Dead look like Dr. Strangelove. I spared it on the small
virtue that it is intended as a comedy, and I freely admit that it can make me
laugh when it is trying to be funny… occasionally. “End! END!!!”
1. Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)- A weasel-like
creature escapes from a crashed space probe, wreaking havoc as it turns humans
into giant mutant weasels. I think. Allegedly shot entirely by a teenager, this
one just might be the most actually inept film I have ever watched, which once
again isn’t the same as “worst” (see Ingagi). This is the kind of
production that makes an Ed Wood film look like polished, linear narrative.
Viewed in the right mood and setting, it just might be fun.
So, there’s my list. Do you think these films are
good, bad or no big deal? Have you heard of any of them? Do you think you’ve
seen worse??? At any rate, I’ve got something to round out the week. That’s all
for now, more to come!
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