Wednesday, August 19, 2020

The Legion of Silly Dinosaurs: Walmart Megafauna!


When I thought of this feature, it was always my intention to keep things open to a range of prehistoric creatures. (Otherwise, I couldn't have gotten near the patchisaurs.) This partly reflects my own trajectory as a paleontology student. I naturally love dinosaurs as a kid, but by the time I reached high school and college, I recognized there was more to paleo than dinos. As time went on, I started acquiring favorites that lived well before and after the dinosaurs. I also learned that if I had a shot at a line of toys/ collectibles that included both dinos and other creatures, the non-dinos were the ones to get, simply because they were a lot less likely to turn up again. I had one such opportunity about a year ago when something new turned up on the Walmart shelves. Here's some pics of what I picked up.

The name of this line is Primal Clash, released direct to Walmart by Lanard Toys, who also made the Alien Queen. It consisted of a total of six beasts, several of which had previously been released under the name Jurassic Clash before the manufacturer presumably went with something less lawsuity.  Surprisingly, only two of the creatures were dinos, while a full three were Pleistocene creatures. I first picked up the bird, called Titanis, and then ordered the other (simply called Mammoth) online. For posterity, I took a few unboxing pics of the Mammoth.



For the price, the beasts come with a fair amount of detail, admittedly somewhat fanciful. This shows most in the bird, which is unaccountably scaly in the thighs. The mammoth's coloration is somewhat improbable but interesting. The mask does come off relatively easily, revealing some particularly nice patterning on the face. Here's a closeup.

The big gimmick with the beasts is obviously that they come with riders and semi-futuristic weapons, modeled or directly copied from Lanard's The Corps and related lines. They turned out to be slightly larger than vintage Star Wars and GI Joe figures. Each came with a gun that fits in a hole on the back (the same as the packs on GI Joes) and a pistol that fits in a semi-functional holster sculpted at the hip. The guy that came with the bird looked like an old friend from my misbegotten "Naughtenny Moore" stories, and I thought of setting him up with the Truckstop Queen, but the scale differences were a bit much. Here they are with the Queen and Bossk for reference.
Forced perspective can only go so far.

As one more extra, here's the backstory printed on the back of the box. Back in the 1980s, this would have been something like "Guys on dinosaurs fight!" This reads like a synopsis of a Japanese monster movie.

"It's the year 25XX." (Why does a date 500 years ahead need to be abridged?) "Super advanced technology let humanity bring back and live among dinosaurs and megafauna. With dino-control technology, machines, beasts and humans working together were able to bring pollution down to almost zero" (Hey, 1980s kids would have cared.) "Oxygen levels raised flora and fauna grew in size and finally a peaceful and self-sustained world was achieved, all thanks to the supercomputer known as the EVOLUTION, the very apex of human technological achievements, until the singularity, also known as the CYBERGEDDON happened." (So Teminator meets Jurassic World? And I'm only about halfway through here.)


"The sentient EVOLUTION decimated humanity and enslaved all remaining living creatures, tepeathically controlling dinosaurs and humans alike creating THE FINAL IMPACT, a military unit specialized in hunting down humans and feral dinosaurs for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION!!" (A computer has telepathy? And was world domination ever not total? And why exactly 2 exclamation points??) "A small group of RAIDERS escaped, living on the run in a new world between feral prehistoric wilderness and technological doom!" (Dear Logos, make it stop! Wait, I'm almost done...) "But the surviving humans are strong and their willpower is iron." (What, is the evil supercomputer trying to sell them stuff?) "Alongside their tamed dinosaur companions and incredible technology they will retaliate and launch THE ULTIMATE FINAL CLASH!" (Or they'll stay in the boxes that adult collectors snapped up and tried to scalp online.)


That's enough for today, more to come!

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