Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Crypto Corner: The boy who really disappeared

 

As I write this, Halloween is approaching, and I’ve been getting enough Ideas that I might not even do that many movie reviews. Among other things, I had been planning an installment of my woefully intermittent features on short fiction, which in the process brought me to something on the Fortean vein. That provoked me enough to try filling out the lineup with another post in this feature. Last time, I covered the Mary Celeste, an actual unsolved historical mystery that just might come down to outright insurance fraud. This time, I’ll be talking about a case that was always fraud through and through. I speak of a horrifying tale that must have terrified countless impressionable kids, the disappearance of one Oliver Larch, whose real vanishing act was leaving no trace of his existence in the first place.

The tale, as I remember first reading it long, long ago, begins with a festive celebration by a family called the Larches at their farmhouse in South Bend, Indiana on Christmas Eve 1889. In the midst of the party, the young and instantly sympathetic Oliver, age 11, is sent out to fill a pail of water from their well, across a field covered in new-fallen snow. He leaves his popcorn behind (really, that’s repeatedly specified) to do his part for the family. Soon after, the family hears a commotion outside. They run out, to hear Oliver calling for help, and adding, “They’ve got me!” But his cries are fading, and they seem to come from overhead. Meanwhile, the family follows the trail of prints in the snow. At the end of it, perhaps halfway to the well, they find the bucket, but no trace of Oliver. And, invariably, it is affirmed that the police and other authorities investigated these facts and found them beyond dispute.

Except, of course, every remotely critical investigation found nothing of the kind. (See Kevin Randle's thorough, hilarious and pitiful rundown from 2008.) The South Bend police department stated only that they had not maintained or preserved records from the time of the incident. Newspapermen and other recordkeepers, evidently annoyed, reported no record of an individual named Oliver Larch or his family residing in the area at that or any other time, and openly opined that the tale of the disappearance was fantasy or fiction. On top of that, weather reports that were handed down recorded clear weather with little or no snow. But the smoking gun was that the tale was nearly identical to the plot of “Charles Ashmore’s Trail”, a work of fiction published by Ambrose Bierce in 1888. By the 1970s, after being repeated in such publications as Fate, the tale was repudiated in the Fortean community as either a legend or outright hoax. But was that the end of the story? I will be the first to say, yes, dammit, it was. Except, things still weren’t that simple.

And that’s where I come in, in the course of rereading Bierce’s work for what would have been another post altogether. In the midst of it, I remembered the strange saga of Oliver Larch and reread the tale that supposedly started all this. What struck me was that, for a story with such an enduring impact, it was conspicuously unimpressive. Bierce was a master of modern minimalist horror while Gothic purple prose was still riding high (I will name-drop “A Fruitless Assignment” as the peak of his form), yet one would not guess it from the yarn under consideration. Even allowing for its short length, it is awkward and oddly unengaging. What is all the more striking is that it lacks a number of dramatic details and sympathetic hooks of the received legend. Rather than a lovable lad, Charles Ashmore is just a guy of 16 who would have been considered virtually an adult in the Victorian era. Instead of Christmas eve, the night of his disappearance is simply an evening in November. In place of a dramatic disturbance, his family find his trail after merely noticing that he has not returned, and only later hear his voice in the course of their ordinary doings. Given these discrepancies, how certain can we be that this was the source of the tale of Oliver Larch?

In fact, we can guardedly give the lore a certain benefit of a doubt. It is already clear that the tale as received is more like a legend or “myth” than an outright hoax, though the more brazen “true” retellings certainly cross the line into the latter category. If it did originate from Bierce’s yarn at all, it certainly had to have evolved greatly before it reached the form known to us. It follows that Bierce himself might likewise have drawn from much older sources, and it is no stretch to allow that the underlying lore persisted independent of or at least in parallel with his influence. We may finally consider that the quite vivid tale of young Oliver is indeed the earlier and more authentic form of the tale.

It is at this point that we can consider certain oddly modern features of the story, which the folklorist will find more akin to “urban legends” than the folklore of the elder world. First, while a supernatural element is explicit, there is no endorsed or implied “explanation” that would root it in established religion or mythology. There is no invocation of devils, witches or fairies. For all intents and purposes, the abductors of Oliver Larch represent nothing more or less than the unseen and unknown. On a closely related note, there is no moralizing element. There is no suggestion of young Oliver being punished for any wrongdoing. Indeed, we might take his tale as a child’s jeering mockery of such adult-sanctioned lore, except that he is never set up as an obnoxious do-gooder either (compare/ contrast with Saki’s astonishing “The Story-Teller”). Finally, there are the effortlessly confident appeals to authority which leave no doubt of its truth, a distinctly recent preoccupation. On this vein, it is consistently recounted that no balloons were in the air, as if anticipating this as a viable explanation. To anyone actually knowledgeable about lighter-than-air aviation, of course, it would be obvious that a balloon used in the manner described (at night!) would simply crash in a trail of burning wreckage, as would any known aircraft prior to Sikorsky’s development of a practical (but still very, very loud…) helicopter in the aftermath of World War 2.

With this frame of reference, we can outline the most probable path of the tale’s development. It undoubtedly began somewhere in the morass of 19th-century oral tradition, if it did not somewhat predate the 1800s. It was then retold especially among children and teenagers, perhaps at some point to a still young Bierce. With or without his influence, the tale persisted into the 1890s and early 1900s, when we know it first began to circulate in print. From there, it was a small if delayed jump into early Fortean literature, where it was repeated with painful earnestness long after multiple debunkings.

So that brings us to the end of the trail. And you know something? I still like the story. It’s the Platonic archetype of a campfire tale, and it perfectly expresses the anxieties of young and old alike. There will always be things we don’t understand. There will also always be bad things happening to good people, sometimes not even outside your front door. If it takes a tale like this to teach that lesson to the young, then it would be a more than fair price. The only people who made it a problem were grownups who only remembered contrived terror for its own sake. For the rest, knowing the truth is only part of the balance of growing up. With that, I bring this short chapter to an end.

 

Monday, October 9, 2023

Fiction: Chelsea the Social Worker Epilogue!

 It's Monday night, and it's been dawning on me that I really have nothing. So I tried to think what I have backlogged, and realized my best bet was something I teased way back, the actual ending of Chelsea the (bad) social worker. So, here goes. As usual, the table of contents is at the end. And yes, this is exactly how I am with a baby...


Chelsea returned home to the sound of a crying baby. She entered the townhome unit on the second story, and quietly descended the stairs. What interested her was the sound of the voice drifting up.

 

“I don’t understand, cuddle bunny,” Shad said. She spotted him seated on the floor next to the crib, his back against a couch. “I changed you, I fed you, I read to you, you have your blanket and all your favorite toys.” As he spoke, the baby in his arms cast aside a squeaky dicynodont. “I just don’t know what you want.”

 

“She’s a baby, she doesn't want anything except attention,” Chelsea said. Shad looked up, and she gave him a smile. “I keep telling you, babies fuss. The more you try to make them stop, the more they fuss. They’re jerks that way. Hey, bunny, mommy’s here.” Shad handed off the baby, who if anything cried louder. Chelsea cooed nonsense as she cradled the baby, adding editorially, “Why are you making your daddy worry so…?” She freed a hand to clear the clutter of toys out of the crib, then laid their baby down and laid a blanket over her. As an afterthought, she took all but one especially beloved toy, a fuzzy caterpillar. She stood by without intervening as the baby continued to cry. After 15 minutes, she hugged the toy and quieted.

 

“She was doing okay most of the night,” Shad said. “We were having fun earlier. She just got fussy when I tried to put her to bed.”

“That’s because you’re a pushover,” Chelsea said. “By the way, have you noticed you talk to her the same way you do to me?”

Shad shrugged. “How else would you talk to a baby?” he said.

“That’s my sweet man,” Chelsea said. She kissed him on the lips.

 

“How was work?” Shad asked.

“The usual grind,” Chelsea said. “I delivered 12 state assignments, approved 3 petitions for separation, and got two couples assigned an instructor. How about you?”

“Oh, you know, stuff,” Shad said. He grinned. “I finalized our video.”

Chelsea grinned back. “You should show me,” she said.

“I was planning to,” he said. But he continued to look down at their daughter’s crib. “She turned out… different, didn’t she?”

“Well, anything can happen once,” Chelsea said. Leaning over, she ran a finger through the fuzz just beginning to appear on the bay girl’s scalp.

 

It was purple.



Table of Contents

Part I: The romance!

Part II: The parking violation!

Part III: Capsule hotel destruction!

Part IV: The Kelsiraptor, and Harryhausen monster bureaucrat!

Part V: The restraining order!

Part VI: The trial, part 1!

Part VII: The trial, part 2, with the King Kong Moral Contraband film!

Part VIII: The goon!

Part IX: The religion!

Part X: Kloe!!!

Part XI: The Arcostate Zoo, plus Spike's Southside Motorcycle Gang!

Part XII: Skinny McCoy!!!

Part XIII: The Harryhausen monster fight!!!

Part XIV: The Showdown!!!

Part XV: The Multiverse!

Part XVI: The Space Guys Spinoff Teaser! 

Friday, October 6, 2023

Robot Revolution: The one with zombies and an evil computer

 


The one with zombies and an evil computer

 

Title: Resident Evil

What Year?: 2002

Classification: Irreproducible Oddity/ Mashup

Rating: It’s Okay! (3/4)

 

As I write this, I’m still coming out of a sabbatical from blogging that has included a complete moratorium on movie reviews. For my comeback, I decided it was time to fill out my count for this, my survey of robot/ AI movies, the feature that has done as much as anything else to keep me going. In keeping with what has been its own theme, I further decided to do something different. This time around, we have yet another murderous computer, only this time, it is technically a zombie movie. I present Resident Evil, the Patient 0 of the modern zombie movie wave, and I will be showing why the computer is much scarier than the undead.

Our story begins with an introduction to the Umbrella Corporation, a company with their own underground lab for nefarious bioweapons research, and the massacre of the staff of said facility by a series of lethal mechanisms that might or might not be working as intended. The carnage is followed up by little tasteful nudity as our heroine wakes up in the shower with no memory of where or even who she is. The story picks up momentum when the company’s paramilitary team arrives, revealing that her name is Alice and she is the custodian of the entrance to the Umbrella lab. It is also revealed that the facility has been taken over by a supercomputer called the Red Queen for reasons allegedly unknown. For no obvious reason, the team drag along Alice and a couple iffy guys they find along the way. Things go south when most of the team are wiped out by a laser cheese grater controlled by the Queen. But the real trouble starts when the survivors take the computer offline, unleashing a horde of zombified employees and a few more ugly surprises. The dwindling party must fight their way out, but they still don’t know each other’s agendas- and they may need the Queen’s help to stay alive!

Resident Evil was a 2002 horror/ action film written by Paul W.S. Anderson, based on the Capcom video game franchise of the same name. The film starred Milla Jovovich as Alice, following appearances in films including The Fifth Element (still don’t know if I can work with that one), Michelle Rodriguez and Colin Salmon as ill-fated troopers. The soundtrack was composed by Marco Beltrami and Marilyn Manson. The film was possibly the first major zombie movie of the 2000s, preceding the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead. It was a commercial success, earning a box office of over $100 million against an estimated $33M budget, though reviews were mixed to negative. It was followed by five live-action sequels, including Resident Evil: Apocalypse in 2004 and Extinction in 2007, as well as a number of direct-to-video animated films. A new live-action film, Welcome To Raccoon City, received a limited theatrical release in 2021.  Anderson and Jovovich married in 2009. Their daughter Ever has several screen credits.

For my experiences, this film and franchise has been a textbook case of a film and franchise that stayed above my radar. I conspicuously declined to cover it for The Revenant Review, though I finally gave number 3 an entry in the out-of-control ebook edition. The obvious reason for this is simply that it is a profitable and well-known series that did not require comment. Another is by all means that I completely gave up on it at number 4. But the overarching consideration is just how many categories the first movie in particular stretches across, which became an immediate problem in the question of which feature to review it under. I could have covered it for the Horror Vault, or under my still nascent adaptation feature, where I already covered the Nineties Mario movie. By the time I loaded my ancient disc, however, I had no doubt it belonged here, if only because it truly represents one of the most formidable AI antagonists of the current millennium at least.

Moving in, the central reality is that this is a film that owes all its strengths to a sustained vibe. From the settings to the creatures to the very minimalist music, this is sci-fi horror at its most cold and clinical, building and even improving on the likes of Re-Animator and Day of the Dead (see also Sole Survivor, the re-review I completely botched).  The undead themselves fit very well into this world. They are among the most malevolent and vicious revenants of the Romero/ “slow zombie” tradition, with a counterintuitive subtlety that suggests a measure of cunning. The very first of them (seen well past the 30-minute mark) is representative of the lot, at first lurching along as if merely distressed, then striking fatefully just as a target comes within reach. Of course, both the shock value and in-universe effectiveness of this behavior sharply decline as the film goes on, yet it is a consistent behavioral pattern that never fails to be unsettling. The one thing that can be counted as disappointing is that their evident ability to use tools and weapons never goes anywhere, but then by the final act they are already superseded by the surreal hellhounds and the foreshadowed mutated abomination.

In the midst of all this, the Red Queen is indeed clearly established as both the primary antagonist and by far the most formidable threat as long as “she” is online. In the context of this feature, there are especially strong parallels with The Forbin Project and of course The Lift. Even more than in the former film, the AI is completely rational in both actions and motivations and as much in the right as any of the human characters. As in the latter, the computer’s most formidable ability is its control over its arcological environment that might or might not have been originally granted by its creators. (I honestly have no opinion on whether Anderson might have been directly influenced by that very odd film, as I already documented the “killer elevator” as a startlingly persistent concept.) The holographic avatar and very English accent give a fine extra touch that doesn’t really resolve the AI’s status; one can sympathize as the machine pleads to be allowed to continue its duties, but it is already clear that one cannot trust its motives or its anthropomorphic affectations. It is impossible to avoid further comment on the completely surreal laser sequence (obviously on the board for “one scene”), which does a great deal to define the tone and reputation of the film (see also Ghost Ship). On a certain level, the intentionally lethal gauntlet is less impressive and intriguing than the seemingly improvised booby traps of the opening. What is easily forgotten after two decades of “so bad it’s good” fame/ infamy is that it is preceded by an effective and plausible set-up, in which the humans remain in apparent control until it is far too late.

That already brings me to the “one scene”, and there’s one I’m going to try doing from memory. In the face of the first onslaught of the undead, our heroes are driven up against a computerized door that is still locked for reasons that won’t be analyzed. The most technically minded of the group (if I’m not mistaken the same one who turned off the Queen) remains confident as he does a hacker bypass while the others hold back the horde. He does it all with a smoothness that leaves no doubt that he can indeed do this. He is openly satisfied as the door opens behind him, and what really got this in here is that I didn’t remember or expect what happens next.

In closing, what I come back to is how I feel about this movie and the franchise. My standing and long stated opinion is that the third film was the best, the second was the worst, and everything thereafter isn’t worth the trouble of counting in the same continuity. By further comparison, the original is almost overshadowed, which I will be the first to say is the last thing it deserved. Whatever else one may say, it was the right film that came out at just the right time to bring the zombie genre back to life. It also had the further virtues of being both a competent film and a genuinely creative one that never tried to be anything but itself. That should be a good enough epitaph in an age of remakes and reboots. I for one am happy to give it a final salute and call it a day.

Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Crypto Corner Returns?! The ship with nobody on it

 

It’s almost time for Halloween, and I have been thinking about the future of my blogging. That brought me back to one of the things that got me here in the first place, my interest in Forteana. That, in turn, got me thinking about something that I had never really thought about trying my own hand at either way. It’s the most famous and iconic of mysteries, the one that is still hailed as “unsolved”… and the one that has the highest volume of absolute nonsense. I speak of the Mary Celeste, the greatest of maritime mysteries… and I will be presenting the explicit hypothesis that it was a scam.

The facts of the case are already so frequently retold as to be moot in serious discussion. In 1872, a ship named Dei Gratia sighted another ship near the Strait of Gibraltar, moving erratically. The captain, David Morehouse, gave orders to approach what was presumed to be a vessel in distress, only to find that it in fact had no crew aboard at all. Its name was the Mary Celeste, an already disreputable vessel commanded by one Benjamin Briggs, a well-regarded if undistinguished seaman who had set off from New England with a cargo of alcohol, a handpicked crew and his wife Sarah and young daughter sophy on board. Though the lifeboat was gone, the ship was still largely seaworthy. But what made it remarkable was that a logbook found aboard recorded the ship’s last position as hundreds of miles further west. Further investigations would raise allegations of mutiny, murder, conspiracies and outright insurance fraud. Yet, in the end, multiple inquests could give no explanation, and neither the captain nor the crew nor his missing family members were ever found. So, of course, decades of literature suggested that it was the work of mutineers, or murderous ex-slaves, or pirates, or giant squid, or aliens, or… Yeah, we all know, this was bunk.

Now, to back this up, what’s really noteworthy are the two figures who gave the story its eventual form. One was none other than Arthur Conan Doyle, who turned out an early yarn with a fictionalized retelling of the vessel, subtly renamed Marie Celeste. In his telling, the tale became a racially charged tale of vengeance. Though it specifically lacked a supernatural element, he made a number of additions and omissions to present a scenario that was far more mysterious than the mundane facts, notably portraying the vessel with its lifeboat still in place and with a “hot meal” on the table. (The latter detail seems to have come from a slightly earlier retelling in the Los Angeles Times.) The other is the infamous Frederick Solly Flood, an attorney general who investigated the case. He was quite justifiably incredulous at the truthfulness of the received account of events, but could not come up with a better alternative than increasingly contrived speculations that the captain and the crew had either murdered each other or been killed by the crew of the Dei Gratia. It is worth further note that, prior to the rise of the Fortean community, his was the dominant “narrative” of the event, as further reflected in the multiple lurid hoaxes that made the worst school library Forteana look like naïve exuberance.

Now is the point where we can double back to the “savvy” version of events, represented by Ian Wilson’s frequently cited Encyclopedia of Unsolved Mysteries and Brian Hendricks’ fine scholarly rundown Ghost Ship. These accounts have at least set a bar of discussion higher than the self-mystification of the “true mysteries” books. We intelligent anomalists and historical investigators all know now that the lifeboat was gone from the ship. It has long since been agreed that, while the Mary Celeste was reasonably intact at the time of discovery, it had suffered significant damage that would probably have claimed it if not for its seemingly happenstance encounter with another ship. Finally, while items of significant value were left aboard ship, as well as the ship’s log book, the captain and crew did take the time to bring navigational instruments. The upshot has been at least to place the “mystery” in the realm of psychology rather than the paranormal. Obviously, the captain and crew decided to leave the ship, without believing the situation so dire that they deserted without preparation. It is sensibly postulated that they believed they could either reach land or simply return to the ship once some temporary problem resolved itself. At some point, they miscalculated or had a further mishap, leaving the captain, crew and a woman and child to a fate that was, in Wilson’s words, “tragically obvious”.

What is most noteworthy in all this is that these revisionist takes have done very little to put Flood in a better light. If anything, he has been the foil of the debunkers as he was to the credulous lay Forteans. In their accounts, he becomes a kind of misguided extremist, trying mightily to refute the posited facts of the case only to see them affirmed again and again. What is undoubtedly true is that there was precious little that was reasonable in his conjectures. The one thing that can still put him in a sympathetic light is the desperation that must have driven to it. He becomes the epitome of the specifically Victorian brand of rationalism, determined to find a “reasonable” explanation even for what was by all appearances a series of irrational acts. As the centerpiece of my own scenario, I posit what I find closest to the truth: He was the kind of prosecutor who, given the opportunity, would overstate and distort his case to the point of irreparable harm even if the facts and evidence were already in favor of the accused being guilty. We can thus frame the question as, just how much did Flood set rational inquiries back?

On this vein, we can see that Flood fundamentally botched his case as soon as he arbitrarily fixated on the notion that the crew had mutinied after getting drunk on alcohol from the ship’s hold. In fact, even if the alcohol was not strictly toxic as usually reported (only Hicks seems to admit any uncertainty on that point), it was certainly never intended for recreational consumption in any quantity. Beyond that, an uprising of intoxicated and enraged sailors changes the scenario from a crime of passion rather than cold-blooded fraud, without any advantage in accounting for the evidence. It was notably unlikely that such a ragtag band could act without resistance from loyalists in the crew and/ or infighting in their own ranks, either of which would almost certainly have left clear signs of struggle. What should have ended the discussion is and if such a group had given any thought at all to covering their tracks, they would simply set fire to the ship and its flammable cargo. Then the most consequential and malign error was that Flood all but rejected the simplest solution of all, that Briggs decided to abandon, burn or flat-out explode his own ship to collect the insurance. On this point, it must be considered that even if Flood was right, his unwillingness to accuse a captain of wrongdoing surely reveals a cultural blind spot that could easily have cost us key facts and context.

Now, we get to the infamous details, and I freely maintain that if my scenario does not explain everything, it leaves no more plot holes than any other. For example, we know that a certain amount of alcohol had leaked into the hold, and that at least one hatch was secured open. This was in fact a reasonably favorable circumstance for the kind of fuel-air explosion already prominently discussed by revisionists, as much as a man of the 1800s could have understood the phenomenon. It is especially noteworthy that this would allow for multiple contingencies. If whatever igniting mechanism was set up failed to produce an explosion, the resulting blaze could still destroy the ship. If it had not, then the flames could still burn up the cargo along with any evidence of intentional sabotage. The one thing would-be arsonists might well have been unprepared for was for a carefully planned detonation to fail entirely. That would have left the crew in the position we already know, either paddling away from the ship in the lifeboat or watching from a calculated safe distance. In the latter scenario, we can envision an argument whether to go back to the ship, just possibly long enough to delay a decision that would have changed their fate.

Another detail this can account for is the abandoned logbook, and the further fact that the last entry was 9 days prior to the ship’s discovery. From what we know now, this was probably at least a day or two before the abandonment of the ship, and of course, the apparent gap in the nominally daily log is all the more strange if anything untoward had happened in the meantime. It has also been freely noted that several calculations of the ship’s position may have been incorrect. This is precisely where outright fraud becomes, at a minimum, more economical than any other solution. Perhaps Briggs discontinued the log when his real plan started. If he had cared enough to make the effort, he might have kept two separate logs, a fraud known to Christopher Columbus. Or, for simplicity, the logbook may have been abandoned because the captain realized it contained information that would contradict whatever story he planned to tell.

At this point, the problem once again falls into the realm of psychology. Much has been said about Briggs’ piety and mild temperament, which is certainly a fair point against the broken-record guessing that he drove his crew to mutiny. But if the charge is premeditated fraud, the story of the scrupulous and reliable professional taking the money and run has long since become its own cliché. Of course, it can be further allowed that he objected to the plan only to be overruled by other conspirators, most obviously the ship’s frequently discussed owner, James Winchester. We might also reconsider a role for Morehouse, the one point where even Flood backed off. If Morehouse and any of his crew had been let in on a plot, they could have been induced by a chance to play hero by picking up the survivors as much as any share in an expected payout. If they were not, it could very well have been planned for the Mary Celeste to cross paths with his ship, notwithstanding the known discrepancies in their known and intended courses, and ideally give truthful witnesses to the destruction of the Mary Celeste in the process. Then we might wonder about a comment reported by his widow: “Poor Briggs! He and his wife and crew must have perished in that small, open yawl. There can be no other way out of it.” It is the same conclusion reached by others much further removed from the case, but wouldn’t the certainty and finality of his remark make all the more sense if that was what he expected to find on the fateful day?

The one obvious counterpoint is that Briggs would have to have embarked on the plot with not only his wife but the younger of their two children onboard. On consideration, this is no more or less than one more unknown, and another point where the lingering filters of Victorian morality have done us no favors. The later hoaxers were especially apt to push Sarah Briggs into the role of a passive damsel, which is in fact the one thing we can be sure she was not. In reality, she was  an intelligent and resourceful woman who had accompanied her husband often enough to be an seasoned mariner in her on right. From what can be known, Briggs in turn respected her as a partner in his ventures. If a plot to sink the Mary Celeste had been discussed between them, it is at least not preposterous that she might have approved. As usual, we can spin further motivations. She may have already wanted to return to a life on land and bring her wayfaring mate with her. Perhaps she would have seen a scheme as no more than a romantically piratical adventure. And of course, the only thing that needs to be added to this “what if” is, as usual, that something went very, very wrong.

And that brings us back around to the aftermath, as Dei Gratia’s crew surveyed the scene. We have already seen that it is not essential that they were party to a conspiracy, if one occurred, but it is all too easy to envision a spontaneous and organic “coverup”. If even the suspicious Flood was unwilling to sustain an accusation of wrongdoing against Briggs, his peers and friends would have been all the more reluctant to implicate him in a petty plot or for that matter a simple error that in all likelihood cost him, his crew and his wife and daughter their lives. Then, if the scenario laid out here is anywhere close to correct, there are plenty of things that would only have been “obvious” to experienced seaman, and many of those might only have been seen by a single person. It would have been easy to dispose of some crucial piece of evidence or remove it from context, easier still simply to omit it from the reports and subsequent testimony. The unavoidable irony is that if anyone had tried to come clean, it might only have further antagonized the likes of Flood.

Now as an epilogue, we might consider a deeper part of maritime lore, the supposedly “cursed” ship. As we all know, the Mary Celeste was the epitome of the legend even without the incident that made her infamous, from a maiden voyage with a captain who got sick and died to a wreck and costly rebuild that gave the ship its name to a final trip where she was in fact wrecked in what a court of law ruled to be deliberate insurance fraud. Through it all, we can see a bedrock of rational plausibility. The ship started as an undistinguished specimen of a type that would soon become both obsolete and unprofitable. In its rebuilt form, it became an awkward compromise, larger than it was meant to be yet only marginally improved, with a sunk cost that would weigh down its profitability. Along the way, it acquired a bad reputation that on objective scrutiny can be counted as nothing more or less than self-fulfilled prophecy. Captains and crew were increasingly unwilling to sail aboard the ship, especially after the disappearance of the Briggs and its crew. More tellingly, it passed through a series of increasingly indifferent or malicious owners, until it finally came to one who was willing to destroy it on purpose. The truth of the matter was that the ship was doomed not by any curse, but by economics that left it unprofitable yet too expensive to abandon until the very end.

And that ends this little rabbit trail. So, what do I think? I’m willing to say, I still don’t know. I have run with my scenario just to see how far it can go. Having come to the end, I will be the first to admit that it’s not a very likely solution. But I can also say, it certainly is not so unlikely that it can be dismissed out of hand. The real lesson of Mary Celeste research is that there will never be a perfect answer to every question. To believe otherwise is to enable the mystification that prevailed for so long, and also to overlook the true horror. If we cannot figure out why an experienced captain would take his wife and child as well as his crew onto the open ocean on a marginal lifeboat, does that not simply show us the limits of our reason? And who are we to say that any of us could not make an equally unfathomable decision, if we had to make it under the same limitations? That should terrify us more than any spooky yarn, and that is why the mystery will live on.

Sunday, September 17, 2023

Futures Past: The Captain N comic book



 As I write this, I'm two months and counting in my sabbatical from blogging, and have also spent two weeks watching my retro gaming parody/ fan novel not sell, and bought a new computer for good measure. In the midst of all this, I got to thinking more about something I mentioned once before, a traumatic experience that scarred an entire generation. I speak, of course, of Captain N: The Game Master, a show even kids who were several years/ eons away from Batman: The Animated Series knew was kaka. And what really brought me back to it wasn't writing a 100,000-word novel, or buying a Samus figure for three times its retail price, but finding out there was a comic book. And by reputation, it is actually... good? Okay? Tolerable??? Clearly, I was going to have to investigate first-hand.

So, to back things up, I did indeed watch Captain N first-hand during its run, and as usual, I have some very distinct recollections  that I now know don't line up with the actual run of the show. I'm sure I saw it first during a vacation that could have been before I had a TV at home, a story arc I assumed was the pilot that I figured out would actually be episodes 4 and/ or 5. It could easily have been a year or more before I watched it again, on the same network affiliate where I first saw Darkwing Duck, in a slot that required getting up early to watch it at all. I can recall several of the more famed/ notorious episodes (including their Tetris one!), of which I'm sure all were in a half-hour, single-story format. From the research that I did for this post, that means I only saw seasons 1 and 2, the last episode of which aired in very early 1991. However, I'm sure I was watching it well after that, probably into 1992 if not later. This fits with certain reports that it was in network syndication as late as 1994.

Now, with all the easy jokes already at hand, I'm sure everyone is expecting me either to destroy this show or defend it as a neglected classic. However, that simply isn't how it was. The now-storied clashes of titans that defined modern animation were all happening after school between Fox Kids and the Disney Afternoon.  Even back then, it was obvious that Saturday mornings were the low end of the pool, the usually short-lived experiments, the outdated-on-arrival tie-ins, the reruns and reboots of shows you had thought you were too old for the first time around. If you accepted the ritual of getting up before 7 in the morning, then you were probably going to watch whatever they threw at us without complaining. And you could get lucky, with shows like Darkwing Duck or a good episode of Garfield And Friends. Then again, you could get the likes of ProStars, Karate Kid and Hammer Man, all of which I most certainly watched in the same timeframe if not the same network and lineup as Captain N. And in their company, yes, Captain N reached the proverbial high standard of mediocrity. We were already past the Dark Ages, into a time where even a low-tier cash grab could be expected to have some measure of technical quality and narrative coherence. If it came to that, when Mother Brain was competent, when Simon Belmont wasn't actively stupid, when Kevin and Princess Lana aren't vying to be both bland and irritating (yes, even compared to Simon and Kid Icarus), when they actually did something creative with the "guest" game characters no matter how little sense it made in relation to the game, it could be entertaining.

And then there is the comic, which I had absolutely no idea existed until noting a few passing mentions in connection with Metroid. This one was published by Valiant, also responsible for a Super Mario comic I'm now sure I encountered in the wild sometime in the 1990s. The first issue was published in May 1990. Alas, the run ended in September of the same year after only five issues. In its short run and after, it gained a reputation as both more faithful to the source games and far better in quality than the TV series. Unsurprisingly, copies are scarce and quite expensive. Fortunately, the real-world heroes at Captain N.net have assembled a library for all the internet to read, for the moment.

Meanwhile, what brought me to this comic was its chief claim to fame or infamy: Unlike the entirety of the TV series, it featured Samus Aran as a major character. In fact, she was introduced as a "guest" character in the last of several storylines in the first issue of the comic, and continued to appear at least once in every remaining issue of the run. In the first appearance, titled "Money Changes Everything", she was set up as a neutral bounty hunter willing to consider an offer from Mother Brain. By "The Happy Zone" in the following issue, she was already established as a member of the "N Team" and a rival to Princess Lana for the affections of Captain N/ Kevin, which admittedly wasn't a big deal in the TV series. After appearing in a single panel of "The Fabulous Powers of Captain N" in issue 3, she got a full protagonist treatment in "Breakout" in issue 4, where a corrupt judge sends her and Princess Lana to a prison planet from which they must escape. In issue five, she got not one but two appearances. First, in "Garbageworld", a time travel mishap sends her to a future where Kevin is finally willing to reciprocate her interest, but also is reduced to leading the remnants of the resistance to Mother Brain from an interstellar garbage dump. Then in "When Friends Fall Out", Princess Lana discovers evidence that the bounty hunter was responsible for the disappearance of the old king of Videoland, in a story that was obviously meant to be finished in the announced but never printed issue 6.

So, with that out of the way, is this comic any good? Having read the Samus story arc, and skimmed a few more storylines, I can certainly affirm that this is vastly better than the TV show. The unavoidable punchline is, this is pretty much like saying the show was better than the Battletoads pilot. We aren't just comparing two different things, but two things in very different stages of development. The relative strengths of the comic come down to the fact that it is trying to establish its world and characters, but there was a point when the show made some effort to do the same. Whether the same level of quality could have been maintained over a longer run is unknowable at best. What can be seen all too clearly is that this is far from a top-notch comic for its own or any other time. The artwork is no better than average for a newspaper comic, and particularly weak when called on to establish a larger setting, the one thing that the show was undisputedly good at as long as it was trying at all. The stories serve up several duds, notably "Breakout". The real bottom line is that the comic is still everything the show was reviled for, a middling to low budget cash-in built around references to niche pseudo-mythology, though with the difference that it gets said mythology mostly right.

And then there is Samus, the one thing that made this at all memorable. As with many things, you can see where they were trying, not so much where they did this right. Sure, she's a developed and sympathetic female character with a "dark" side that isn't simply waved away by the power of love (yet...). However, while her open infatuation with the male lead isn't exactly "stereotypical" as such, it is quickly magnified to a level that can only be regarded as either actually disturbing or wholly contrived, to the point that she seriously goes through with accepting the garbage world timeline. Given the general intelligence of the material, it can be allowed that this really is meant to show her conflicting emotions and very gray morality. The deeper problem is that the story arc never pushes its own point. Every time she is presented with a choice between her mercenary ways and the good guys' ideals, the story always throws a softball rather than making her admit to past misdeeds or ongoing flaws. It's by all means a step forward, especially for a video game tie-in (Hell, the show wasn't afraid to show the dark side of unrequited "love" either), but it's the kind that shows just how far we still had to go. Oh yes, and this could all look far, far worse if we actually knew how the Hell old our "hero" is... 

So that's Captain N, the show and the comic book. So, was this worth it? Considering how notorious this has gotten, it was definitely worth a rematch, and I'm more than happy to have dug up the comic book. For myself, I hope I have at least given some perspective. By my standard rant, this wasn't "good" by any means, but anyone who thinks this is the "worst" we got is either too young or suffering from repressed memories. (Hey, sometimes, I wish I could come down with that...) All in all, a weekend isn't too much time for a trip down this rabbit hole. That's all for now, more to come!

Image credit valiant.fandom.com.

Monday, September 4, 2023

Fiction: Retro gaming parody novel publication announcement!

 


It's Labor Day, which means this is still technically the last weekend of a month when I've so far done only two posts and absolutely no movie reviews. I'm breaking the silence to announce that my Nintendo fan/ parody novel (see demos 1, 2,  and 3, the mythology appendix and extra) is up for sale, as linked to here.  In the meantime, I threw in some art on top of the cover I already spent too much on, resulting in the interior title page above from an artist named Carlos Miguel Garcia. My specific instructions were to make a "1980s futuristic" ship, and I will be the first to admit that really is what Eighties "kit-bashed" sci fi ships were like. Here's another piece of artwork I shelled out for. For context, the description in the book has the mother dragon monster using a chokehold. And they're both being held hostage by the empress of an evil magic-mirror dimension...


So that's what I have to show for 4 and a half months of work and definitely more money than I'm remotely likely to get back. So was it worth it? Well, it probably helped keep me sane, which is something. And while I'm at it, here's my final version of the ship design everybody kept telling me not to use.

That's all for now, more to come... I'm still not saying when.

Tuesday, August 15, 2023

The Legion of Silly Dinosaurs: Return to the wild!

 


It's Tuesday, and I've been busy enough to consider throwing in the towel a while longer. Fortunately, it just happens that I spent some decompression time at the Store of Stores, source of the silliest AWESOMEST dinosaurs to appear in this feature. So, here's a quick lineup of the latest sightings there, plus a few more things that even I wouldn't pay money for, which I swear I almost had ready over the weekend. To kick things off, how about a dinobot?


This here is, of course, a clear if generic knockoff of the Transformers Dinobots, previously represented in my original dinobot lineup and my relatively recent Grimlocks followup. This one looks good enough that I genuinely considered buying it, except that its price tag was in the same range as a real Transformer, and not just the discounted and/ or small ones I usually buy. Of course, I did consider that the exact same store sold me the mindbogglingly awful generic ankylosaur dinobot, possibly the worst thing I have reviewed for this feature that I bought new. The mask you can kind of see didn't help; it really is a full-sized Halloween mask with an alleged electronic feature. If that's what drove the price up, they lost the sale twice over. Oh, well. And then there was this...


So this is a bag of big dinos that appears to be from the same makers as the generic dino bag and the Oviraptor. This time, there's only about three of them in correspondingly large sizes, as far as I can tell solidly built. There's even signs of articulation on that ceratopsian. The problem, which you might or might not be able to see, is that the included T. rex has two heads, which somehow failed to be a selling point for me. It all comes down to the dictum I laid down with the patchisaurs, if you're going with dinos as an excuse for fantasy monsters, don't try to make them look like "real" dinosaurs. And here's another pic that might or might not give a better view. One more thing, I swear that Styracosaurus thingy looks exactly like a stop-motion model used in Son of Kong. Dammit, I'm going to go back and buy this thing, aren't I?


And here's another item, clearly intended to look like a therizinosaur. Wow. Just... wow.


On the other hand, there's this. I'm actually impressed. Is this supposed to be a dino, or the Alien as a plush toy?


And while I'm at it, a sighting from a previous visit. I'm sure this is from the same offenders as the generic bag. Well, if kids aren't traumatized, how will they get into dinosaurs?


And while I'm at it, a few from Walmart. This is the source of my header illustration. It feels like what would happen if a real therepod thought he could host a kid's show...


And another Walmart entry. It's brought me the Lanard megafauna, a Marx clone set, the cyborg zombie T. rex, and the actually good spinosaur; so you can't win 'em all.


And here's something different, from the store where I got the anime space jet transformer, now finally closed down. This had definitely been there a very long time...


And speaking of Walmart/ Lanard, I found this outside the direct-to-Walmart channels.


And that's enough for me to call it a day/ night/ week. This is truly what I do, and this time around, I've felt good going in and coming out. My material isn't always great, or epically bad, but I can always come up with something interesting. And while I'm at it, here's one more pic from the Store of Stores. Sometimes, something normal is the weirdest thing of all...

That's all for now, more to come!