No Good Very Bad Movies 3: The one that's worse than the Transformers movie

 

Title: Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords

What Year?: 1986

Classification: Runnerup

Rating: Disqualified!

 

It’s another off week, and I decided it was time to return to this feature. In fact, I have had to retreat and regroup on my whole idea here. What I really planned on was to make this a pretty short lineup that I could go through quickly. What I didn’t count on is how simply brutal the first two entries would be, especially Ingagi. People think I’m the kind of person who will watch movies just to laugh at how bad they are, but that’s never been what I’m about. More importantly, people who do that sort of thing are still usually nowhere near the worst of the worst. For me, at least, the movies that really do approach that level need to be handled in small doses. To continue this feature and preserve my sanity, I decided to go with a soft ball, a movie I had heard of but never seen that looked like a quick and easy watch. Except, alas, for the problem of finding it. Here is Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords, a movie that makes Transformers The Movie look… remotely sane???

Our story begins with our second-favorite crew of transforming robots moving furniture (or something) in their outer space sanctum honestly called Gobotron. In the process, we meet Leader One, looking exactly like a robot fascist, Turbo, who wants to blast everything, and Scooter, who sounds exactly like Jar Jar Binks, as well as a few humans who get absolutely no introduction. After a few minutes of exposition, a ship that we briefly glimpsed in the credits arrives, carrying Solitaire and Nuggitt, the emissaries of a planet where the dominant cybernetic lifeforms transform into rocks. They warn that a warlord named Magmar is trying to conquer their world and gather the scepter-thingies of the local rulers. All this is overheard by the spies of Cy-Kill, the leader of the Gobots’ adversaries, the Renegades, who have the only Gobot girl Crasher, because this franchise can’t pretend to be for anything but the status quo. Inevitably, the two factions arrive on the Rock Lords’ world and quickly align themselves with Magmar and Boulder, who for some reason looks less like the toy than a cyborg Ricardo Montalban. Will good prevail, if only because the bad guys try to do each other in? Will someone please kill Scooter??? Find out- or don’t!

Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords was a theatrically-released animated film by Hanna-Barbera, based on both the toy line and the animated television series. The film was apparently produced in parallel with the Transformers feature film by Hasbro/ Sunbow production, and ultimately released somewhat earlier. Contrary to speculation, there is little evidence that the two movies had any further influence on each other, or that many contemporary observers believed otherwise. The film had a high-profile voice cast including Margot Kidder as Solitaire, Roddy McDowall (see The Black Hole) as Nuggitt, Telly Savalas (see… The Horror Express?) as Magmar, and Michael Nouri of The Hidden as Boulder. Lou Richards and Bernard Erhard continued their roles as Leader-One and Cy-Kill respectively, with supporting voicework by Peter Cullen and Frank Welker. The film was released by Clubhouse Pictures, a branch of the Atlantic Entertainment Group (see… Night of the Comet?!). It received an estimated box office of only $1.3 million. The Rock Lords spinoff toys also proved unsuccessful, and was discontinued by 1987 The movie was released on VHS by KVC Home Video, the only known authorized home video release of the film. Surviving copies show a running time of 74 minutes.

For my personal experiences, I caught wind of this one while researching my toy-blog posts on Gobots. I was immediately intrigued. Unfortunately, what I quickly figured out is that this one is simply gone. Sure, you can get old tapes for prices in the middling double digits, and there’s evidence of an undoubtedly bootleg Blu Ray out there. But for availability in anything like a modern format, I had better leads on Shanks than this one. The best source by far was a two-part review video (see here and here), which included extensive video in authentic “full screen” format. The only one that claimed to offer the full movie was in horrible, gimmicky formatting, and somehow had a total running time of 90 minutes, more than 15 minutes longer than the running time shown for the tape. For the purposes of investigation, I watched the review video and the majority of the “full length” video. I finally called it quits not so much because I couldn’t stand any more, but because I had more than enough to evaluate the material.

With all that out of the way, I have to say I kind of liked this one. Yes, it’s terrible by any objective standard. Yes, the animation is simplistic at best. Yes, most of the characters are one-dimensional cliches. Yes, the theme song is a literal commercial jingle; yes, the running time barely fills out a TV episode; yes, Scooter (voiced by Welker!) makes you want him to die every moment he’s onscreen. With due adjustments for the state of animation before the Disney renaissance, however, it still reaches a high standard of mediocrity, or would have if the creators hadn’t stuck their necks out by putting this in theaters. Then there are at least relatively good points. The voice acting is generally good, the robots are moderately interesting in design, and the environments, especially on the Rock Lord planet, are downright impressive.  I can even put in a good word for Nuggit, as entertaining and competent as VINCENT apart from an overdone bit with his face plate, and especially Cy-Kill and Crasher (voiced by Marilyn Lightstone), whom I will get back to. Then there are surprising “dark” moments that work perhaps better than in Transformers, notably a shot of a burning city and a nameless rock warrior literally smashed to pieces.

Meanwhile, what puts this movie in overdrive is the underlying absurdity of the transforming-bot concept. The scale is even more shot to Hell than Transformers was, and that included a robot who could somehow transform from a handgun into a full-sized mech. (At least he wasn't, ah, anatomically correct.) Leader-One and Scooter are particularly wonky, all the more so since was see them together often enough to compare; the jet bot should be easily 40 feet tall, but Scooter never looks less than half his size. Cy-Kill requires even more improbabilities, rendering him not only out of scale but with a hopelessly bulky upper body. Then the core problem is that we actually see the bots living independent of people, which would be commendable as a depiction of non-anthropomorphic robots. However, this takes away what rationality there was in the transformation premise. The penultimate hilarity is that the Rock Lords actually make far more sense. If you can look like a rock, you can blend in almost anywhere on an Earth-like planet, and even if a few passing geologists gets suspicious, all they’re going to report is that they saw a big, weird rock. Try to pose as a fighter jet or even a red sportscar, on the other hand, and you’re going to attract more attention than you want under the best of circumstances.

That leaves the one scene, and this is where I had to say a little more about the villains. Around the midpoint, Cy-Kill and Crasher meet up with Magmar, and the villain gives his big pitch. What deserves to be said is that these two are literal cartoon villainy on the level of Snidely Whiplash, and as seen here, there’s just the right tongue-in-cheek tone to work. Cy-Kill strokes his potential ally’s ego, while Crasher follows his lead with sardonic insults and demented laughter that has long since gone from comically overdone to genuinely unsettling. This in itself satisfies certain problems I neglected to rant about with Transformers; tell any given supervillain to join you or die, and you’d probably just have to kill him, but tell him he’s a genius with a common interest, and he’ll go along with it even if he knows you’re already planning to betray him. The jaw-dropping climax comes when Cy-Kill declares himself “a friend of the oppressor, a champion of the evil cause”. And this is what I mean about cartoonish villainy. Even kids could see that a “real” bad guy would be talking about being a superior AI, or having a command from the robot gods, or just being a “law and order” candidate. But no, here the villain boasts about being evil for the sake of being evil, and nobody questions it.

In closing, I will as usual offer a little further explanation for the rating. My intention when I set up the rating system was to put any film I couldn’t find or view in full in the “unrated” category. But this film is not quite in that category. For the moment, it remains available as it was meant to be seen, if you’re willing to pay more than I or anyone in his right mind would for an old tape. But what really sets it apart is the total absence of material through the usual online/ bootleg channels, more complete than I have ever encountered with any film not considered lost (and for that matter some that are!). This is the kind of vacuum that can only happen from a total lack of interest or, as I think far more likely, an active campaign of suppression. This is all the more impressive since the kind of legal action needed for this outcome presumably requires an admission who was responsible for making it. By all indications, the powers that have always been do not want this to be seen, and there is no denying that they have a point. This is a long way from the worst cartoon out there (have I mentioned I saw the Battletoads pilot?), but for ignominious failure, it’s a benchmark that will not soon be matched. As for me, I just might watch it or even pay for it if it ever comes out in a modern format at a decent price. You heard me, Hasbro. I dare you.

The Legion of Silly Dinosaurs: Big Mouth Mayhem!

 

To round out my "fifth week" lineup, I decided it was time for an extra dino blog. This time around, I have kind of a backlog, simply because there's what I consider a whole category of dinos. They aren't big, they aren't flashy, and they certainly aren't good, but when it comes to "silly", these guys give even the patchisaurs a run for their money. Here are the big-mouth dinos, starting with a pic with Bossk.

For the background, it should go without saying that "big mouth" is a term of my own creation, though I was a little surprised I didn't find it in independent use already. My definition is a hollow creature made from rubber or otherwise flexible material, with an opening into the interior space at the mouth. A secondary characteristic is that they are larger than usual for low-end dinos, sometimes extraordinarily so. From what can be known, they were definitely being made in the 1970s if not earlier, by manufacturers including Dormei, Arco and Imperial (see the Genericzilla Junior post). Unsurprisingly, there's plenty of gray area, especially on what you count as a dinosaur. Many toys made with the same technique and materials represent lizards, crocs, and other relatively mundane creatures. Others represented dragons and other fantasy creatures, a trend that intensified in the 1980s with a wave of He-Man knockoffs. While several egregious offenders released examples with proper manufacturing marks, most were as anonymous and untraceable as we should now expect. Here's a pair from my collection that I'm sure must have come from the same manufacturer.

For this particular set, I had the one on the right when I was a kid. I picked the one up on the right in the wild a few years back. I knew on sight that it was part of a set with my old dino, though at that point, I wasn't sure I still had it. Eventually, the old one turned up in one of my searches, and there were no real surprises on examination. The gimmick with these pair is that they glow in the dark. Overall, they actually look more realistic than might be expected, though how they came up with the "crest" on the carnosaur's head is anyone's guess. Here's some more pics.

"C'mon, let's ditch these nerds... `Incoming asteroid', what's that even mean?"

And to show what I mean about realism, here's another specimen I picked up in the second-hand stores, as I recall in a set that also had a patchisaur Pteranodon. It's one thing to make a goofy creature and call it a dinosaur, it's another to give it the name of a cool dino that was getting famous. And to think we complained about Velociraptor being portrayed without feathers...

Here's one more closeup.

Now's the time for further rambling. In my recollections, these were toys even I viewed as disposable, and I wasn't wrong. I'm sure there's more I still have and many more that disappeared long ago.  The only ones I really formed any further memories around were a pair that came on a birthday cake and a huge example that I'm sure was well over 6 inches tall that battled Husky and Sidekick Carl on occasion. Over time, they faded away, but never disappeared entirely. Meanwhile, I  gradually found a certain fondness for these guys. Then... I found this. And bought it, so I would have proof it exists. Oh dear Logos, how the Hell does this thing exist???

It kind of looks okay on this side, doesn't it? But take another look...

Wow. The thing about mass production is that you have interchangeable molds so basic symmetry isn't a problem. It would practically be easier and cheaper to do it right than to have it come out this wrong. Then we still haven't had a closeup. The horror, the horror...

And with that, I'm definitely ready to quit. That's all for now, more to come!

Retrobots Revisited: Rock bots!!!

 

It's time for another post on my day off, and I decided it was time for another bot-related post. This time, I have a lineup of what has long since become the supposed epitome of silly '80s robot toys. These are the GoBot Rock Lords, the robots that turn into rocks and by standard jokes had the same play value. In fact, I have had a few of these since I was a kid, and I played with them enough to have a sense of their strengths and weaknesses. So are they relics that deserve the ridicule, or a misunderstood gem of pop culture? The verdict is... guinnocent!

The backstory told briefly is that in 1986, after several years of brutal battles on the toy aisle, the Tonka GoBots were falling behind Transformers. (See Rogun Robots parts 1, 2 and 3.)  On top of that, the Transformers were in the process of getting their own movie, and Tonka and their suppliers couldn't allow a multimedia mineshaft gap. Thus, they launched not just a new series of toys, but a whole spinoff line plus a movie called GoBots: Battle of the Rock Lords, which I have of course long been aware of but somehow only just found out had a US theatrical release. Alas, the movie was a flop, and the toys struggled along for a year before being discontinued in 1987. It must have been only a few years after that when I picked up a couple at the comic book store, one very cheaply and the other for a high enough price that I waited a little while before buying it. Here's a couple closeups of the more expensive of the pair.

Apparently, this guy is Boulder, and not just a good guy but their leader. (See Super Toy Archive, ancient by internet standards and still awesome.) The aesthetic is quite different than the other bots, good or bad, enough to raise a suspicion in my mind that this is yet another originally unrelated design that the GoBots line bought up. (Of course, that's also pretty much how Hasbro came up with Megatron.) In the first wave, he fought alongside Granite and Nuggitt, against the evil forces of Magmar, Sticks 'N Stones and the other bot in my collection, Tombstone. The line went on to introduce a second wave of the rock bots, followed by a third wave centered on the transparent Jewel Lords and the Rockasaurs. Moving on, here's the other member of the pair, truly rocking those shoulder pads.

And while we're at it, a few pics in rock mode.

"Psst... Have the lawyers from Hasbro left yet?"

Now, what will be immediately apparent is that these toys have limited articulation that can easily be worn out. As far as I recall, the green bot was very loose even when I got him, and time hasn't helped. He can do a mean kick with either leg, but the arms do little more than fold in or out. The real shock, which I only noticed a few years back, is that the anthropomorphic good-guy bot has even less motion. He unfolds into a fighting stance that looks okay. However, the legs don't go any further than you see here, and the only way to approximate a punch is to raise one arm and swivel the whole body. Here's a few pics to show the degree of inaction.

"Put up your dukes!"

"I literally can't!"

"Hey, I can be a cheerleader!"

"If I had a waist..."

"Wait, was this the GoBots audition or for the 3 Stooges?"

So, what was the play value for these? Clearly, the articulation was seriously limited, though still probably not the worst for transforming robot toys, and these were if anything the better figures of the line. I can further recall sighting at least one more in the wild back in the old days, and finding them unsatisfactory even by kid me's standards. (Judging from online pics, Nuggitt was begging for the firecracker treatment.) For actual play, I'm sure I used the evil bot as a  main henchman for various villains. If it came to that, he was probably one of the biggest bots that I had before I got hold of the Robotech red guy. On the other hand, I honestly can't remember if I did anything with the good-guy bot. The culminating irony is that I almost certainly played with them more as rocks than as robots. While I had enough of the real thing lying around to figure in play time (most notably as ballast for a Lego ship), there were times when I needed something more, and these more than fit the bill. They were especially awesome as asteroids, all the more so with the Micro Machines and arcade prize ships I usually had to work with. When one of these was incoming, it actually dwarfed most of the usual fleet.

That brings us to the mindboggling twist: Somehow, these spawned an apparent knockoff line, not from the usual suspects like Convertors or Masterbotix but from a major manufacturer that hadn't even been in the transformer arms race. I sighted these occasionally before I finally bought one well into the 1990s, and I think I had heard but flatly disbelieved the story that these were at least nominally part of the Mattel He Man/ MOTU line. I learned much later that there were two of these, Stonedar and Rokkon, both released in 1986. It's the kind of timing that might be put down to coincidence or convergent evolution, except that these were followed by the wonky Meteorbs the following year, reportedly originally designed and manufactured by Bandai, the same company that made most of the GoBot line. Here's a few pics of the one I have, definitely identified as Rokkon.

"Rock on, get it?... Hey, what are you doing with that jackhammer?"

The strange thing about this one is that it actually mostly fits the aesthetic of the Masters of the Universe line. It also has a decent range of articulation, which could have been better if the rock was integrated with the limbs and body instead of a shell around them. The one effective flaw is that he doesn't really turn into a rock that could withstand inspection from all directions. On a certain level, the sheer randomness is impressive. Of all the leads to follow into the robot ring, Mattel went with the single most ridiculed idea of them all. On top of that, they put it in a line that had never been closely associated with the genre (though there had been other MOTU robots before). What's most puzzling is where they thought they could go from here, which admittedly is the same problem Tonka quickly ran into.

And to wrap this up, here's a lineup with the Truckstop Queen!

"Speaking of rocks, diamonds are boring. Also controlled by an evil genocidal cartel."

And why not Sidekick Carl and the Giant Tonka Lady? I told you these things are big.

That's all for now, more to come!

Retrobots Revisited: Gobots shuttle and sub

 

I needed to keep things short today, and I decided to cove a new acquisition and one very old one.  This week, I got an online order of a Gobot, and not a cheap Arco bot with the name slapped on. This also means I finally have to put my money where my mouth is with the usual trash talk about Transformers. I will freely admit that, while I am and remain critical of the mystique attached to Transformers in particular, the Gobots certainly have their own problems. Here's pics of my guys with a few more bots, including the knockoff croc bot and mystery red guy, plus the Marx Evil Space Guy.

For the featured bots, there are two Gobots more or less intact. The first is a space shuttle I picked up as a kid, and don't recall ever playing with; he has a terrible name I won't repeat. The second is a submarine called Dive Dive, which I received just this week. I don't believe I ever owned this guy, but I'm sure I saw him at least once. Also in the lineup are the Transformers hovercraft bot and a Convertors peacock. I was ready to include the bird in the lineup, but very quickly concluded he simply isn't functional. As we shall see that's saying something. Here's some pics of the alt modes.

Unfortunately, both bots are in bad shape. The shuttle guy is so loose he can't really stand fully upright on his own. For most of the pics, I finally stuck a Lego piece (okay capsule toy generic Lego) through a pair of open slots to keep the upper legs from sliding back down. It should be all too clear that he was all kinds of not great to begin with. If you ever had to sort out Gobots from their Transformers counterparts, the best rule of thumb is that the former look subtly undynamic, almost stoic. In many ways, this guy is a Gobot's Gobot, with all their relative good points, especially a simple, sturdy design, plus all the weird and awkward in spades. Here's one more pic of him pre-intervention.

With all that in mind, I'm at a loss to explain the sub bot. He looks good from the waist up, complete with a cool anthropomorphic head, but the lower half is absolutely horrible. The legs are supposed to slide out and swivel, but the right leg repeatedly slipped right off its track, while the left has an equal and opposite tendency to get stuck. On top of that, I actually broke off a piece on the right hip. It will more or less stay on, and I'm sure I will be able to glue it back, but it's still a very bad sign. Clearly, this was unusually complicated for a Gobot, but there's no payoff in improved articulation; in fact, the legs of bot bots are immobile apart from the transformation. By comparison, even the Arco pistol bot can do a decent kick. I quickly decided it was better to keep the lower half untransformed, which gives him sort of a "merman" look. Here's a couple closeups.

Despite all these problems, I still must point out that the bots still aren't that bad. Note especially how they compare with the Transformer, which is even simpler and less articulated, and a bit shorter to boot. One more thing worth attention is that, while these are all fairly small, the choice of alt modes implies a much larger scale. The hover craft would not be less than 30 feet, certainly taller than Optimus Prime. The space shuttle would be over a hundred feet long, though the proportions are shot to hell already. Then the submarine would be truly colossal, easily 200 to 300 feet, big enough to kick Optimus into orbit. But these aren't things kids would ever be bothered by, even if we had thought about it. Imagination was its own scale, and that's why we loved them.

Retrobots Revisited: The rest of Rogun Robots, Part 2

 

It's actually my day off, and I decided to go ahead and finish what I started over the weekend. Way back in June, I introduced the Rogun Robots army man-scale figures. Then I presented the transforming ray gun/ robots they were nominally based on. Now, I'm back with the ultimate knockoff bot, a Rogun literally as big as (generic) Godzilla. As seen in the "title" pic, this guy is enormous, about as tall as Genericzilla and just a little shorter than the giant Iron Giant. Here's some more pics of this big guy, with the pistol bot and the Truckstop Queen thrown in.

As seen above, this bot was intended to transform between a robot and a cap rifle, one of two such designs to appear in the Rogun line. This is clearly an instance where the "alt mode" came first, as the bot form has even less articulation than the pistol version. Basically,  the arms swing up and down a little, and the barrels/ hands extend, or would if they pointed in any direction but down. Since the gun mode is built for actual human hands, the scale is necessarily larger than usual for a vintage transforming bot. Here's another pic of the Roguns with a line-up of bots, this time including the bird knight, the grocery store dinobot and the big red Robotech guy, plus the Gas Station Duchess.

Meanwhile, we haven't yet considered the gun mode. The transformation consists of pushing the legs together to form a stock, extending it, and swinging the arms upright. The extending bit could be used to make the bot mode even taller, but the bot's a bit wobbly already. The obviously awkward part is that the head has to be moved out of the way. This is rationalized by making it a sight, though that begs the question where his brain is supposed to be. As with the pistol, the final product is much more balanced and functional than it looks. This and the size of the thing has made me wonder if the idea was to market these to older kids. Here's some more pics of the gun mode.

Gun sight, robot head or TIE fighter cockpit? Yes to all!

Finally, you might have noticed there's one more little problem. Okay, not so little.

I know it's a joke, but get down from there!

Still one of the less dirty poses I ended up with.

With that, I'm done for today. More to come!

Retrobots Revisited: The rest of Rogun Robots, Part 1

 

Just in the last few days, I realized I had gone since September without an '80s/ '90s robot toy post. It also happens I have accumulated a bit of a backlog, with some material that could easily have fallen under the "Giant Robots" feature. After a bit of debate, I decided to put it under this feature, in part because I hadn't done much with it in a while, and in part because it ties into one of my earliest posts on this vein, the Rogun Robots. Without further ado, here's some pics of the first of my new arrivals.

Tremble before the wrath of Stickerface!

As previously reported, the Rogun Robots were a line from Arco, the toy company that also admitted making and/ or distributing the patchisaurs. The original gimmick was that they were bots that transformed into cap guns, and vice versa. Some of the toys were infamously incorporated into the Gobots line, while Arco went on to use the name for a far better set of army man-style bots. I personally had and loved the mini bots, but had no knowledge of the actual transforming bots until many years later. Recently, I decided it was time to look at what started it all, so I ordered one online. Somehow, my package ended up sent to Idaho instead of Arizona, an adventure in all likelihood more interesting than the actual bot. I finally got it a week ago, and used the time to take a closer look.

My first impression of the toy is that he's absolutely huge. In terms of scale, this bot is as big as a toy can be and still be considered within action figure scale. He towers over the Truckstop Queen and even edges out the Big Red Robotech Guy. He's still a bit shorter than the grocery store dinobot, but not by much. Here's a couple more pics with a more complete lineup, including the Gas Station Duchess, the dollar store giant robot,  and the anime robot space jet.

Don't be shy, he's only a robot that's also a gun.

Unfortunately, it's equally clear that bigger is not better. The Rogun bot could embody everything that could be done wrong with a knockoff Transformer. The only points of articulation are those essential to the transformation (a little more about that below), and even there the motion is extremely limited. The arms can hook or scoop, the legs kick after a fashion, and the guy can bend over at the waist. Then there is that face. To start with, it is infamously a sticker, something apologists will point out was done even with some "real" Transformers. What makes matters worse is that there's nothing in the lines of the mold that would be different with or without it. Finally, there are the quite outlandish colors, which are literally clownish.

Of course, I have to say something about the gun transformation, which I've represented with a couple extra pics. In pictures, this might seem like the downfall of the toy, but if anything, it works better than the bot mode. The key step is to sort of pinch the legs together and bend the arms back until they hook over two pegs. There's a knob sticking out that holds the legs in place if you don't miss it. Part of one arm is missing on mine, which doesn't affect things. I had more trouble from a spring mechanism that holds the legs apart in bot mode; it spat rust the first few times I tried the transformation, but that seemed to clear up. Once it's transformed, the thing has a surprisingly decent feel and balance. An extending barrel comes out of the top of the head. That goes noticeably askew when fully extended, less so if you only do it with the black part. The trigger still makes a very loud clicking when pulled, which takes a fair amount of force. There's a revolver magazine inside that still advances when the trigger is pulled. Unfortunately, this and every other specimen I've seen pictured in detail has heavy wear and damage, including a fine powder that I believe to be ground-down plastic. I have no doubt that repeated firing without caps is the primary cause of this, but at this point it's a minor consideration.

In the process of acquiring the item, I learned a little more about the "Rogun" line. Arco actually made the Rogun bots before acquiring a license to sell them as part of the Gobots line. It's reported that those made in 1984 will bear the Rogun name, while those with the Gobots name on stickers and packaging are from 1985 or later. Intriguingly, the Rogun line was either continued or revived by Mattel after the more prestigious company acquired Arco. In the process, their sketchy branch of the Gobots line escaped its effective extinction with the acquisition of Tonka by Hasbro in 1991. From the evidence at hand, these later bots are unlikely to be confused with the originals. Like many post-buyout Arco toys, they are outwardly more polished but lack the kitschy charm that once made the company's products interesting. Here's an image of one in box, with credit to CollectionDX.

Meanwhile, I had one more lead. There were even bigger Roguns made, and I finally found one listed for quite a bit less than the one I bought. I got it just this weekend, and... oh... Hell... no.

To be continued!!!