Space 1979: The one where a mind-controlling alien runs for president

Title: The Hidden

What Year?: 1987

Classification: Runnerup/ mashup

Rating: Pretty good! (5/5)

I have frequently mentioned that my idea for this feature was to cover movies from the mid-1970s through 1985. On reflection, I think this has a lot to do with my own experiences. As an “eighties” kid who didn’t even have a TV until I was about 9, I think I literally saw more movies from the 1970s than the 1980s, and the period from about 1987 to 1992 stayed in my blind spot until well into high school. Of course, this meant I missed out on plenty of great sci fi movies the first time around. While there are many films I would love to review sooner or later, they aren’t going to be many of them here. This review is covering one of the ones I did want to cover from the beginning, a plucky little nihilistic action film called The Hidden.

Our story begins with a chase between the police and a bank robber who seems more interested in reckless driving and casual homicide than the actual loot. After a shootout leave the criminal in a coma, a protagonist police officer reveals that he was a law abiding citizen until going on a killing spree that also including a heist at a candy store. Meanwhile, the dying criminal rises from his bed and graphically expels an enormous slug-like creature into the mouth of another patient. The parasite continues the mayhem as it hops from host to host, while the hero gradually realizes its nature, with the aid of a new partner who is not what he seems.

The Hidden was released by New Line Cinema in 1987, and earned a little under $10 million. Its cast was led by Michael Nouri of Flashdance and Kyle MacLachlan of TV’s Twin Peaks as the extraterrestrial lawman who knows the truth about the goings-on. The villain is necessarily represented by a number of actors including Claudia Christian of Babylon 5 (also a dog). It was viewed as an imitation of Terminator, with justification. However, it was also part of a wave of action/ sci fi crossovers that came out in1987, including Robocop, Predator and the “straight” actioner Lethal Weapon.

I can remember picking up The Hidden at a local video store around 1999. I wasn’t unduly impressed at the time, but I liked it well enough to buy it some time later as part of a set that also inexplicaby included the 1990s version of Island of Dr. Moreau. (Don’t know if I’ll get to that one, but it’s good, dammit!) Watching it again, I found a lot more to appreciate, especially after “coming out” as an Asperger’s/ Autism Spectrum self-advocate. This is a movie that has good action (if anything subdued by 1980s standards) and good sci fi without losing site of character. Within fair allowances for budget and genre conventions, the characters are well-cast and well-developed. The hero cop is reasonably likeable, and the dueling aliens are delightful in their awkwardness, each in his/ its unique way.

Inevitably, the movie hinges on whether the viewer will accept the villainous alien’s hosts as a single character. It’s a very difficult challenge on consideration, yet nobody has criticized the movie in this respect. The creature may not be a complex character and the actors might not be great, yet there is certainly a unifying sense of drive and deeper detachment, with recurring phrases and mannerisms placed in lightly. At times, it’s disappointing not to see more of a particular host, especially an exotic dancer played by Christian. What I find most interesting is that, while the plot ultimately turns on the creature developing a plan to grab for power, most of the time, it just seems to be going more native than the natives. It’s not overthinking things to take this as a satire of vintage consumerism, all too relevant in more recent years. On further reflection, I find parallels to Heath Ledger’s Joker. This guy strikes me as someone who really doesn’t know what to do with a plan. If it came to that, I can believe he might not only rob the bank and burn the money but also swipe the pens chained to the counter.

For the “one scene”, the best of the villain’s scenes is when the second host goes to a luxury sports car dealer to acquire a vehicle. He could presumably grab an unoccupied vehicle, or retrieve enough cash to pay for one. Instead he fixates on a specific vehicle returning from a test drive and declares, “I want this car.” In an extra bit of awkward comedy, the dealer doesn’t really entertain a legitimate transaction either, but orders the weirdo thrown off the lot. While he  and the customer celebrate with illicit substances, the villain predictably disposes of his hired muscle but returns to retrieve the keys. In the most priceless of many moments, he says “Thanks” and then more menacingly, “Bye”, before the clearly predetermined outcome.

This is where the story begs for just a little more world-buildng. On the whole, the villain can be accepted as equivalent to a conquistador stranded among the natives, with no plan or motive beyond glory and gold.  But if an alien civilization was in contact with Earth, there ought to be others who at least have more sophisticated methods and tastes. And what might they be after in 1980s Terra? One might collect Norman Rockwell plates and other semi-valuable native art. Another might be buying up Star Wars figures off the clearance racks. And then there might be some grabbing up things that a rational human would literally throw away: the Styrofoam sandwich boxes, the Bubble Tape dispensers, the Tic Tac boxes, etc. It's as comical yet disturbing as anything in the movie, and undoubtedly well beyond what the film makers would have thought of on their own. But it’s the exactly the kind of “what if’ questions and answers that well-made sci fi is good for, and that's why movies like this remain fascinating.

As usual, you can see the feature Introduction for details of the rating system and classifications.

Mid Sized Marx: 3 inch space guys

For today's installment, I'm bringing in perhaps the most elusive Marx figures I've run down. In addition to the 6 inch astronauts and the 4 inch space guys covered in the first installment of this series, Marx released a set of space guys in nominal 70mm scale, or just under 3 inches. After reading about them on the Marx Wild West page, I kept an eye out. They proved relatively uncommon in online auctions, with prices that were high but not exceptional. The biggest real obstacle was that I went back and forth on how much I wanted them, at one point cancelling an order for a full set. Eventually, I put in a bit for a lot that included 5 figures and 4 out of 8 sculpts. To start with, here's a few reference shots of the figures.

For this pic, one of the space guys is in a lineup with some similarly sized figures: A Galaxy Laser Team astronaut and large-sized bot, the Starcom and Dino Riders pilots, and the Timmee nuclear guy. I estimate that the last figure is 60mm, which at one point was also standard size for Marx army men. Here's shot with some larger figures including the Mexican 4 inch evil space guy.

Another thing about this little line is that it's the same size as the Marx knights previously sighted. The latter may look taller and are certainly more heavily built, but I am satisfied they are the same height apart from a little variation based on posture. Here's a few pics to show what I mean.

Now for the individual figures. The one directly above is the standout. He is obviously cast in a different color, and I believe he is made of a different material. In a quite common pattern, he looks just a bit bigger but not quite as sharp in detail, something I will return to shortly. Here's another pic with the 4-inch knife guy.

The next in line is the one I got two of. He might not be dynamic, but he seems focused and chipper. One has an extra plastic bit that somehow fits the vintage hairstyle. I can't decide what the gadget is, but it reminds me of a portable TV from the 1980s, which is impressive enough given that these certainly weren't made later than the mid-1960s.

The next figure is a bit of a dud, but odd enough to be interesting. He seems especially meek, despite being armed. The singularly unthreatening laser pistol widget doesn't help matters.

"Honest, I don't even know what this thing is. I think maybe it's a thermometer. If it is, I sure hope it goes in your mouth."

The last and certainly best is the one that convinced me these were worth buying. The gun is well-done, and I love the facial expression. Descriptions from collectors will usually say he has a flare pistol. But with that look, I feel like he could be summoning rescue, firing a warning shot or debating whether to put the thing to his own head for the next shot. But then, of course, I'm me.

"I just don't care anymore."

One fairly obvious detail is that these guys came without helmets. I personally didn't mind at all. I had been having a tricky time with the helmets on the 4-inch space guys, and it was a genuine relief not to go through it again. I might take a chance down the line, but for now I'm happy with them as they are. As an extra, here's a closeup of the detailing on the air tanks in back, and particularly how the silver one compares with the rest.

And of course, it wouldn't be complete without a visit from the Truckstop Queen!

That's all for now, more for a long time to come!

Space 1979: The one where the creator of Alien is defeated by a beach ball

Title: Dark Star

What year?: 1972 (short film)/ 1974 (theatrical version)

Classification: Prototype/ Parody/ Anachronistic Outlier

Rating: Pretty Good! (5/5)

 

Of the categories of films I have set up for this series, one of the first to cross my mind and last to appear was the “anachronistic” movie, which I put more formally as an Anachronistic Outlier. As outlined previously, this can include both films that are dated even for their own time and films that were unaccountably forward-thinking. Something else I recognized very quickly is that many of the most noteworthy and effective examples of the latter were made and presented as comedy and satire, a field I otherwise intended to treat very sparingly. The best explanation I can see for this odd pattern is that comedies are more willing to openly defy or subvert genre conventions. They are also comparatively likely to be made either by newcomers to film or creators whose previous experience and talents lie elsewhere. With this review, I am finally up to a truly iconic example, a micro-budget project that started the careers of a leading director and an influential screenwriter and still feels more forward-thinking than any number of high-profile titles.

Our story begins with the introduction of the titular ship Dark Star and the the misfits who pilot it. It is quickly established that they are not explorers but an interstellar wrecking crew assigned to destroy planets that might fall into their stars and cause a premature supernova. When the search for intelligent life is mentioned, the gruffest of the lot remarks, “Give me something I can blow up.” As their misadventures continue, we meet a feminine ship’s computer, a set intelligent and talkative planetkiller bomb, a mischievous alien pet, and the ship’s semi-diseased captain. The crew prove lackadaisical as the ship is subject to deterioration and occasional explosions (one of which destroys their toilet paper). At one point, faced with a glitch that prematurely initiates a bomb launch, a crewman simply remarks, “We’ll figure out what it is when it goes bad.” The dysfunctions and malfunctions quickly, culminating in a race to disarm a disgruntled bomb that refuses to abort its countdown. Alas, the plans of the crew go awry and the ship is blown up, leaving the survivors to talk for the remaining minutes before their own demise.

Dark Star is one film whose history is already reasonably known. John Carpenter and the late Dan O’Bannon conceived the film as a student project, with Carpenter as director and Dan O’Bannon playing crewman Pinback. A few years later, they put together enough money to release a longer version of the film in theaters. By their own accounts, those who saw its original release were confused more often than amused. However, it did receive favorable attention from critics and the emerging ranks of science-fiction film scholars, including Philip Strick, whose 1976 book Science Fiction Films contains a favorable synopsis. In the following years, Carpenter became a renowned director of sci fi and horror films like Halloween and The Thing (the latter is in many ways the most like Dark Star), while O’Bannon won fame as the author/ creator of Alien based on an episode within Dark Star. Meanwhile, Dark Star lived on in independent theaters, VHS and eventually DVD, Blu Ray and streaming, with a growing influence that included the show Red Dwarf.

This is another film that I have very specific recollections of. When I was in 8^th or 9^th grade, I read about it in Strick’s book, and rented it from Blockbuster; to my further recollection, I checked it out along with Westworld and watched them both in one night home alone. Dark Star in particular blew my impressionable mind. It was weird, wacky and dark all at once. It has good dialogue between characters who were flawed but still likeable. Its synthesizer soundtrack was self-dating but no less effective for it, with a theme song balanced between intentional cheesiness and genuine melancholy. It even had generally good effects that look well ahead of their time, never mind the budget, apart from an alien (which I will get to momentarily) so obviously and egregiously fake as to pass over into psychedelic creativity.

However, I have grown more cautious in my admiration as an adult, which I suppose is a major reason I considered it for inclusion here. There are a few movies I have considered for this feature simply because they are no longer as well-known as they once were, but Dark Star has in many ways suffered the opposite problem. I have seen it become far more well known (especially through Red Dwarf’s influence), and in the process it has attracted far more criticism. “Cult” movies are polarizing by definition, and review pages for this one are invariably divided between fans and very vocal critics who usually have fair enough points. My final judgment has been that this movie requires the right mood as well as the right tastes, to the point that I wrote much of this review before viewing it again.

For the “one scene”, there is one segment that a viewer will love if you like the movie at all, and that is the faceoff between Pinback and the alien the crew keeps as a pet. It’s introduced when Pinback is told it’s his turn to take care of the creature, and further reminded that it was his idea to have it onboard. He grudgingly makes his way to the chamber where the alien is kept. After this build up, we are introduced to a creature very clearly made from a large fabric beachball. Naturally, the alien quickly outwits its human keeper and escapes. The misadventure that follows is too long and too nuanced for a summary to do it justice. What’s noteworthy is that Dan O’Bannon follows through in the high point of his only acting role with a silent comedian’s command of timing, expression and body language, making it altogether regrettable that we never saw more of him in front of the camera. His performance is fully matched by the operators of the alien. Despite its deliberately ridiculous design, it has a quite realistic set of paws that allow a sophisticated range of motion and mannerisms. I have always been riveted by a moment when it clicks its claws as if deliberating what to do. I will never be convinced that it is coincidence that one of the velociraptors in Jurassic Park does exactly the same thing during the famous kitchen scene.

In closing, the best I can suggest is that new and old viewers go in with an open mind, and give it an extra viewing. This is a movie where the humor and growing horror is doled out in small increments (again very much like The Thing). If you go in expecting a “great” movie, or even “laugh a minute” comedy, the odds are high you will be disappointed. If you go in with the spirit of a kid looking for a cool movie, then you just might find more than you hoping for.

For links, the image credit goes to TV Tropes, which as usual gives a good account of the film. Also see the series Introduction for an overview of the classifications and rating system.

Miniature Giants Part 7: Back To The Moon!

For this week, I'm covering another loose end. For my previous installments of this series, I had acquired 3 of the 6 Marx large-size astronaut figures. At the time, acquiring a complete set wasn't a high priority. The ones I acquired were the ones I found most interesting, and I chose to focus on getting a sampling of other lines. But I kept an eye on my options. It didn't take a lot longer to fill out the collection, with a few extra surprises. Here's a shot of the other three in the set. 

Of the three, the one that had interested me most was the one I will call Stepping Guy, featured in the center. He stands out as the only astronaut not carrying tools and equipment and generally doing something. His pose is otherwise similar to the Commander/ Briefcase Guy previously featured. I suppose this is the one who should be considered in charge. However, this is a less satisfying sculpt. The raised foot in particular is rather awkward. It looks more like he's stomping a bug than in a natural walking cycle. This is really a common denominator with vintage "army man" figures: Sculpts that try to simulate motion are consistently less convincing and even less dynamic than static poses. Here's a few pics of the Stepping Guy and the Commander for comparison.

The next in line is a figure I will call Digger, on the left in the second pic above. The sculpt has him with a shovel that is often broken as seen here. I debated whether to pay the extra money for an undamaged figure, but finally settled for this one at a lower price.  I can easily picture kids who played with these imagining that the shovel handle was some kind of sensor or instrument, which I find more convincing than the quite strange boxy shovel head in the complete sculpt. What makes the figure is the downturned head and stern expression. Here's a closeup with Stepping Guy.

"Well, Captain Lowest Bidder, I can think of one thing you could do with this..."

Last and by all means least is the Flag Guy, by my estimation the one absolute dud in the group. I can't quite explain why I don't like this one. Apart from anything else, it's a self-dating element in an otherwise timeless set, with an extra reminder of the jingoism that drove the space race. It is also especially unnatural in detail, with the flag going every which way. I finally picked this guy up as a pair with Stepping Guy, and then in large part because it gave me a sample of a blue figure. As an extra, I also separately purchased a blue Cameraman. These don't necessarily command higher prices but turn up a lot less often. The Flag Guy proved to have a marbled plastic with an absolutely beautiful sheen. Once again, the Cameraman proved less impressive. Here's a few pics.

As seen in the pic, the blue version of the Cameraman is exactly the same in height as the one previously featured. This left me just a little disillusioned about the possibility of production variants, an idea which has had considerable attraction for collectors and probably been a significant driving force for Marx collecting in general. After acquiring a full set of a Marx line including duplicates of half of them, I must sadly report that the only variant I have found is the "bulging pack" version of Scooper.

With this, I've finally covered all the giant Marx figures I've collected. Whether I get more will depend on whether anything else stirs up my interest. And we can't end without a pic with the Truckstop Queen!

"No, I will not make a joke about faking the Moon landing, because that's stupid..."

That's all for today, more to come soon!

For links, here's the links for the previous installments.

Part 1: Enemy Marx (Japanese figures)

Part 2: Marx Marxists! (Soviet figures)

Part 3: Marx on the Moon (Apollo/ astronaut set)

Part 4: The Good, the Marx and the Ugly (Wild West and "'casualty" figures)

Part 5: Not Marx Is Still Good Marx (Mexican Marx toys and other large-sized figures)

Part 6: Marx By Marxists??? (Ukrainean produced figures)

Space 1979: The one where South Africa stole Battlestar Galactica and made it terrible

Title: Space Mutiny aka Mutiny in Space

What Year?: 1988

Classification: Ripoff/ Anachronistic Outlier

Rating: Dear God WHY??!!

When I first thought of this feature, I tried requesting suggestions/ requests from online forums where I correspond regarding my various writings. What was immediately striking is that most of the titles that were suggested were ones I had already either planned to include or decided to be unsuitable. But there was one that came up that I had never heard of and would never have considered at face value. Still, I took just enough interest to keep looking into it. The result was this review, also the first I have written separately from my blog. If those who suggested it are reading this, you literally asked for this.

Our story begins with the introduction of a “generation ship” on its way to colonize distant planets. We then dive in to a battle with “pirates” whose origin is never resolved, and if it seems like the effects are way too good for this movie, it’s because the spaceship sequences are all taken directly from the Battlestar Galactica TV series. All too soon, we return to the ship interior, which appears to consist entirely of 1950s industrial machinery, 1980s computer equipment, 1970s outfits and many, many guardrails. We learn that the trusted engineer and a renegade security officer have teamed up to take control of the ship and sell the colonists as slaves to the pirates (who continue to try to blow the ship out of space). The conspirators kill off several crew members who discover their plans with no apparent difficulty, but are unable to stop a heroic fighter pilot and the captain’s daughter from ferreting out their plans. Instead, they take the damsel hostage and demand the captain’s surrender, leaving it to the pilot to lead a daring rescue.

This production was filmed in South Africa in the last days of apartheid, by a company called Action International Pictures. The credits show the name simply as A.I.P., because apparently this crew envied the company that brought us Futureworld. They brought on stalwarts John Philip Law and James Ryan as the mutineers and the original Captain America Reb Brown as the heroic (and horrendously misogynistic) pilot. The standout is Cisse Cameron (Brown’s real-life spouse), who at age 34 boasts a figure that looks 24 and hair that looks 44. Anecdotal accounts report that it received a US release in 1988, though it received no MPAA rating. It gained lasting notoriety after being featured on Mystery Science Theater in 1997.

For my personal experience, almost everything I learned about this movie told me it was not the kind of movie I wanted to cover. To start with, this movie was never going to be “that bad” by the standards of this feature. (Even Inseminoid isn’t the worst thing I could have picked.) My stated further preference was for films made no later than 1985, and 1988 is late indeed. I also had largely ruled out foreign films, especially in the absence of a US theatrical release. On that front, I remain especially suspicious of the lack of a rating. If it comes to that, I’m not a big fan of MST3K. It never quite clicked with me, and the movies that worked for the show usually don’t resonate with my interests.

What made me move forward was the bizarre production design. I’ve already covered “Seventies” movies that came out in the 1980s, but the costumes in this movie are more ‘70’s than goddam Zardoz in Nineteen Eighty goddam Eight. The infamous use of existing industrial space gives an extra surreal feel. To me, this is the one thing that could have worked, except that the very solid catwalks repeatedly force unnatural choices in the action and camera work. In one particular shot I zeroed in on in both the original and MST3K cuts, the villains are scrambling up one set of stairs and straight back down like it was an MC Escher painting. Naturally, there are bonus points for cringey sexual overtones. Even back in the 1950s, it was one thing to treat women as menial labor or therapeutic stress relief, and another to talk about controlling them like machinery.

I could get a lot more wound up over the treatment of the “generation ship”, or lack thereof. It can be allowed that there are few examples of “good” movies that try to handle the concept: WALL-E, of all things, in a broader sense the “bunker states” of the post-apocalyptic subgenre like A Boy And His Dog or City of Ember. But the only nod to the scenario in this film is a dressed-up park/ garden space that the hero and damsel seem to use as a personal playground. It must be further emphasized that this is a case where development is in order just to explain the mutineers’ motives. Is the ship overcrowded, or subject to population control measures that some are resisting? Are there class divisions that make the security forces fear the general population? Have the colonists become afraid of living in a planetary ecology, or elevated it into fanatical animist nature worship? The idea that this plants in my mind is to make this a 1980s sitcom, then make it the worst one ever made, intentionally or otherwise. A concept like that could have been shot as an “adult” film for $1500 in a used VW Bus, and it would be a hundred times more interesting than this.

Now for the “one scene”, the one genuinely interesting moment is when the hero and heroine corner a lesser minion in a room where creepy mannequins hang from the ceiling. (Given the approach of this production, it is conceivable that they were already there when the film crew moved in.) These are explained as crew detained in suspended animation by the security force. The minion further reveals that the villains are torturing those they detain and ejecting them into space if they prove intractable or simply cease to be useful, all without the knowledge of the ship’s commanders. The reactions of our “heroes”, especially the damsel, are on par with discovering that they were shortchanged at the supermarket. Then they not only do nothing for the prisoners, but never mention them again.

This is where context becomes painfully relevant. Nobody would have expected a low-budget film to challenge the powers that be of a segregationist regime. It’s understandable that the filmmakers did not push their luck casting persons of color, either from Africa or abroad, and probably just as well that they did not dig for a half-baked racial “message”. But it’s quite another matter to portray exactly the kind of abuse and “disappearance” that was regularly occurring, and credulously imply that the officials and authorities could be neither involved nor aware outside of willful ignorance,  and then barely allow the cast and audience to register an emotional reaction. I have been saying all along that a movie can be “bad” on moral terms alone; this is assuredly one of the very worst, and that part should never be funny.

For links, I credit Super Cult Show for the image, clearly vintage VHS art, and also recommend an overview/ review by Psycho Drive In. As always, you can see my Introduction for an overview of the feature, classification and rating system.

Space 1979: The one George Lucas wanted to make before Star Wars

Title: Flash Gordon

What Year?: 1975 (known preproduction)/ 1980 (US and UK release)

Classification: Runnerup/ Weird Sequel

Rating: Pretty Good!

Something I have hoped to document with this series is just how active and vibrant 1970s science fiction/ fantasy filmmaking was even before Star Wars convinced studios it was big business. I have also shown the flip side, how often projects were held up or directly interfered with by the studio "system". This time around, we have quite possibly the most egregious example all, a space opera/ science fantasy that tried to be "retro" even for the '70s and took so long to make that it came out after the series it very possibly brought into existence.

Our story starts with the introduction of our eponymous hero Flash Gordon, the heroine/ love interest Dale Arden, and mad scientist Dr. Zarkov, thrown together in good time by a plane crash. It must be said as an aside that it is surely a testament to the durability of the source material that this and the opening of the 1972 pornographic parody Flesh Gordon are virtually identical apart from production values and gratuitous nudity. The doctor suspects that this and other recent disasters are the work of an alien force. To investigate, he flies a rocket through hyperspace and discovers the world of Mongo, ruled by Ming the Merciless and his unhappy vassals. Ming  sentences Flash Gordon to death, sends Dr. Zarkov to be brainwashed, and chooses Dale to be his reluctant bride. But Ming's capricious daughter Aura and her sometimes-consort Barin have their own intrigues, and Flash escapes to seek allies among the moons of Mongo. As usual, it all ends with a final attack on the evil overlord's castle, and this time things go about as badly as could actually be expected.

Flash Gordon, based on the Art Deco era comics and films of the same name, had a byzantine preproduction history whose full details are still elusive. It is known that by the mid-1970s, the rights were snapped up by Dino De Laurentiis, a personality so legendary I personally based one of my own characters on him, then in the processing of carving out his sketchy reputation with the 1976 King Kong remake and the Jaws knockoff Orca. As a now infamous footnote, George Lucas approached De Laurentiis for permission to make his own Flash Gordon feature, only to be forced to pursue an original project after being turned down. After a string of sparring between De Laurentiis and various writers and directors, the film pushed forward on a budget of up to $27 million (half again the budget of Empire Strikes Back), with a cast that included Max Von Sydow as Ming, Chaim Topol of Fiddler on the Roof as Zarkov, Timothy Dalton as Barin and male model Sam Jones in the title role. It finally reached US audiences in late 1980, and may have earned as much as its budget.

This movie is subject of one of my most specific recollections. In what readers should by now recognize as a pattern, I saw this movie exactly once before I acquired it on disk, very recently.  It must have been around 1992 if not a little earlier,  with my dad and I think my brother. I distinctly recall Dad had seen it in the TV guide and insisted we watch it together. I still have no idea if he had really seen or known about this movie or if he thought it was going to be one of the original movies. At any rate, it... made an impression. I genuinely liked Ming, I loved the Hawk Men, and racking my brain, I guess I found Flash Gordon himself just there. And I went three decades without forgetting the theme song.

Watching this movie as an adult, it's amazing anyone got away with it, and impressive how many people got away with it. The sets and effects are all excellent, with an Art Deco feel that would have completely gone over my head as a kid. There is also a surprising level of violence and gore that may well have been censored for TV, as well as enough innuendo to wonder if Flesh Gordon had a direct influence on the shape of the production. The cast and characters are also impressive to say the least; as often happens, the supporting cast are the standouts. Topol is the standout, while Dalton is good fun, though for bang for buck, I would have to pick Mariangela Melato  and very British Peter Wyngarde and as Ming's chief generals Kala and Clytus. Melato stands out all the more as nothing is said or implied about a woman being in command. I also picked out John Hallam of Dragonslayer as one of the Hawk Men. Flash remains in many ways the weakest link then and now, yet even he registers a unique emotional range both in the script and as portrayed by Jones. This is a genuinely likeable character who can believably convince others to join him, with a combination of bravery and sensitivity that would become all too rare in the slew of 80s-90s actioners that followed.

Something also has to be said of the score. This is what truly makes the movie. The nearly religious theme song by Queen is true inspired insanity, and sets up a very real sense of approaching martyrdom as Flash flies his literal kamikaze run into the guns of Ming's palace. The synthesizer-driven instrumental score is almost as bonkers with touches of genuine grace, especially in the attack of the Hawk Men. Then there are the repeated notes in the long, tense establishing shots of the finale, suggesting that De Laurentiis really learned something from Jaws.

In all of this, I had a much harder time choosing a "one scene". I was ready to go with the wedding and Ming's hilariously dark vows, which I remembered quite specifically from back when. But then I got a look at the confrontation between Flash and Barin in the latter's own domain. The mentioned innuendo has been especially heavy between Aura and both men, but here there is a real payoff in sexualized tension as Barin challenges Flash to the ordeal of the unseen Wood Beast. By the lord's very explicit terms, both men must take turns reaching into a hollowed tree where the venomous creature lurks, until one or the other perishes from its fatal sting. The tension is real right up to the denouement, and while the resolution may fall short of the setup, it in no way feels like a copout.

For a closing, all I have left is to explain why I rate this film as highly as I do. By my own admission, this film is not as good a others I have given the same or somewhat lower ratings (especially The Black Hole). What makes it uniquely successful is that I cannot point to any scene or element where the movie fails on its own terms. Whatever else one says about it, I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly the film that De Laurentiis wanted to make from the start. For that, at least, he deserves full credit. And now I have to listen to that damn song again.

For links I recommend a video review from Angry Video Game Nerd/ Cinemassacre (which actually came out a little before I picked up the movie) and an older article from Gizmodo. As usual, you can see my series Introduction for an explanation of my ratings scale and classifications.

Mid Sized Marx: Evil Space Guy and Friends

For today, I have something that might or might not turn into a feature. At the tail end of the Miniature Giants series, I introduced an unusual acquisition, a pair of Mexican-produced Marx space guys in ca 4 inch scale. About the time I made that post, I received something I didn't feel I had time to cover then, a nearly complete set of reissue figures. Here, finally, is the full story. To start with, here's the Mexican pair in the bag they came in.

For posterity, I removed the staples (which were massive) to keep the bag and card intact. The card proved identical on both sides, with readable manufacturer's information but no year. Just from the look, I estimate it's from the 1990s or possibly even early 2000's, which makes the condition of the bag unaccountable. I have seen pics of preserved bagged sets from the 1970s that looked better than the best view I could get of these figures. The bag is simply and absolutely horrible, to the point that I had no way to examine or photograph the figures without removing it, and I have fewer regrets than usual. Next up, here's the Mexican guys, aka the old man and knife guy, with their reissue counterparts.

"Let's dust off and nuke the aliens from orbit. We don't need to, but it'll be fun."

"Why am I carrying a knife when the other guys have ray guns? And why am I the only one with a sheath for one???"

Things got terrifying with the next guy, who has a laser pistol sort of thing. I may have been a bit facetious when I said the old man was evil, but this guy is absolutely the real deal. Just look at that face!

"You think just because I'm 60 years old and made of plastic, I won't pull the trigger?"

The set is rounded out by a couple more "armed" space guys, including another with a pistol. He's perhaps the most interesting of the group. The pose feels like it could be out of the spy thrillers of the 1950s and 1960s (including but not limited to James Bond), reinforcing my assessment that these were released sometime between 1960 and 1965. He also strikes me as at least a little racially ambiguous; Mr. Sulu before Star Trek?

The set would originally have included an alien figure missing from the lot I received. I didn't miss it; I've seen quite a few Marx alien/ robot figures, and none of them heave resonated with me enough to pay the prices they usually fetch. The set is rounded out with two strikingly boring specimens, because the old days were a time of extremes.

And this wouldn't be complete without a few "story" pics, with a few cameos from the Galaxy Laser Team.

"Jeez, I stepped outside for 5 damn minutes..."

"Who are you calling `retro'?"

"I knew the blue acid was a bad idea..."

That's all for now, back for more tomorrow! Or whenever. 

Space 1979: The one with a mass shooting with a laser gun

Title: Laserblast

What Year?: 1978

Classification: Ripoff/ Parody/ Evil Twin

Rating: Dear God WHY???

One of my influences in conceiving this series is a strange memoir by MST3K star and editor Frank Conniff, briefly titled 25 Mystery Science Theater 3000 Films. He recounts that his most common question about his work for the show is whether there are movies too bad even for the show's purposes. I won't try to repeat his answer, but I thought of it when I watched the present specimen, because this is the first one that I was tempted to disqualify simply for being too horrible to be of interest. But here it is anyway, because it makes me that mad.

Our story starts with two alien spaceships landing on Earth. One is occupied by a humanoid that looks like a cross between a zombie and a caveman with a weapon that seems attached to his arm, the other  by two tortoise-like alien bounty hunter types. The first alien's weapon clearly doesn't do much good, as he is quickly incinerated by his pursuers. Fatefully, the enforcers don't bother to pick up the clearly visible weapon. We are then introduced to our "hero" Billy, a young man with a beautiful girlfriend and a physique he shows off by walking around with his shirt open who still gets picked on by everyone including two idiot cops and an old man. He discovers the weapon on a trip to the desert and begins to experiment. Soon, his appearance changes, while his own rage builds up, and he begins using the weapon to take out those who have wronged or annoyed him. It all builds up to a completely predictable rampage through the town and the "tragic" ending.

Laserblast was a relatively early production by Charles Band, the 1980s answer to Roger Corman; of course, he will be turning up here again, though not as frequently as those already familiar with him might guess. Per the lore (aka Wikipedia), Band conceived the film as a "mini Star Wars", and made sure to make plenty of references to that film both in the script and the movie's advertising. He assembled what would become his regular crew, including stop-motion master (or at least sorcerer's apprentice) David Allen. The film went on to notoriety as a cult film, including being featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000.

As usual, I personally saw this film well before this review, but looked it up again for a better assessment. I genuinely didn't remember it well enough to judge it in advance, which anyone following these reviews should now recognize as a very bad sign. After critical viewing, I seriously considered writing off this one, and put off writing a review much longer than any other film so far. I suppose I might still have discarded it, if not for the problem of where it would fit in the classifications I have set up. In almost all accounts, it is simply counted as a Star Wars ripoff/ knockoff, and this time, I resisted that label mainly because I find that to be almost giving the film too much credit. What finally convinced me was the film's outrageous trailers and advertising. Even then, the usual impression that Laserblast imitated Star Wars remains quite misleading. On the contrary, the real "ripoff" is that considered on its own, the actual film has almost nothing to do with Star Wars at all.

That brings us to the movie's real problems. First, it is incredibly boring, and that coming from me is like Quentin Tarantino saying a film is too violent. So far, only two films have rated this low, Inseminoid and Zardoz, and dull is the one thing they certainly were not. I love world-building enough that I could have put up with a training video from the alien bounty hunters' academy. (From what we see, they could have flunked out of the same school the ones in Critters went to.) But most of the movie is scene after scene of nothing remotely interesting happening. This accentuates the second and far deeper problem, which is that almost none of the characters have any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Billy in particular seems like a creep in his best moments; even when he is beaten up for trying to protect his girlfriend, he registers as only slightly mopier than usual. This shows even more with the bullies, who seem driven less by madness, greed or sadism than by low-grade indifference to anyone but themselves.

As for the "one scene", the best I can offer is a moment of inspired lunacy when Billy wanders along a road, already partly transformed. The weapon he carries looks something like a cross between a Lewis gun and a vacuum cleaner. As previously mentioned, it appears attached due to a tube that covers the user's arm (shades of Videodrome??), but most of the time, Billy appears able to take it off at will. The strange appliance/ appendage doesn't stop a guy in a VW Bus from stopping and offering him a ride with absolutely no question or comment. Soon after, Billy opens fire again, notably destroying a Star Wars billboard. The good Samaritan, whom we can safely assume is supposed to be stoned on either the good or very bad stuff, merely says, "Far out!" Of course, the driver is next, and a distance shot shows that the door goes with him. How Billy survives after that isn't entirely clear, and I certainly don't care enough to try and figure it out.

In closing, I will return to the problem of classification. In my opinion, what this film really is is a parody of Star Wars, and I use that in part in the most traditional sense,: The imitation of a thing for the specific purpose of mocking it. It does that just well enough to qualify as an Evil Twin. Star Wars gave us a universe where the heroes were unquestioning idealists and villains scarcely needed a motivation beyond being evil for its own sake. Laserblast gave us a world so dull and cynical that a loner shooting up the town with a ray gun is barely ahead of the curve. The most unfortunate part is that if this was done well (especially to the standards of Band's later productions), we could have had a minor masterpiece to add to the impressive ranks of dystopian fiction that followed. Instead, we got a movie that looks and feels as lazily mean as the characters who populate it, and that truly makes it a work without any justification to exist.

For links, I rate highly a video by That Junkman analyzing the Laserblast trailer. As usual, see the Introduction for details of my rating scale and classification system.

Timmee Tuesday: Galaxy Laser Team!

For today's installment, I'm featuring a group that should be old friends by now, the Galaxy Laser Team reissue set. I have been wanting to give these guys their own installment for a long time, but they weren't quite fitting in the features I had started. I finally decided the best option was to use them to introduce something new, and I finally settled on a feature dedicated to Timmee Toys, which I now know to be more responsible than any other company for the mysterious army men and generic toys I grew up with.

As I have recounted in other installments, I grew up with a Galaxy Laser Team space guy and their insane alien, which usually got mixed together with the Rogun Robots and the arcade-prize fleet. When I figured out what they were, I ordered a reissue that came out around 2013. A bit later, I ordered a large-sized set called Star Patrol, consisting of large-sized versions of 6 of the 8 sculpts used in Galaxy Laser Team. Here is a lineup of the figures, starting with a mixed group.

Here are the space guys with the GLT bot plus the two Rogun Robots I had back when. I don't have a lot to add beyond the fact that the Rogun bots are not only better but in many ways closer in style to the astronaut figures. Next up is a new acquisition and a few things I dug up.

This is a sub-army man scale space guy I picked up with a mixed auction lot, something I had heard of once or twice before. He's about 1 1/2 inch tall, and of high enough quality that I am satisfied it is based on a Timmee mold, though whether this specimen was made by them is a separate question. He's featured here with a "vintage" alien which I suspect to be a bootleg/ knockoff, and two reissue "spaceships". The planes are quite good, even futuristic for the late 1970s, but they're one more thing that doesn't quite fit. They are clearly still regular planes (though the X-wings weren't much better), and on top of that, there's nowhere to carry a crew. Without re-envisioning the scale, there's only space for one or two guys in the cockpit, with space for a cargo bay and a ramp to access it being conspicuously absent. Here's the little guy with a lineup of the rest of the crew, which will incidentally show how much smaller the space guys are than the others.

The lady in the set has intrigued me the most. She was left out of the large scale set for reasons that are unclear, and further stands out as based on Star Trek. She's also the only character who is clearly at the controls for a ship, which just might make her the captain. Here's another pic of her, in two colors.

Here's pics of some more guys in large size.

These two are the heart of the set. Obviously, they're knockoffs of Han Solo and Chewbacca, but creative enough to be interesting. The Solo analog has touches of much earlier science fiction, including a strangely ornate helmet. He has made me think of an ancient set of characters I came up with called the Galactic Police, sort of semi-benign version of the Borg, especially with multiple clones around. In hindsight, it blows my own mind that I came up with them when I was a kid.

Here's closeups of the alien and the bot. I think kids were literally traumatized by how weird the turtle crab is. The army man scale versions of both were significantly altered in later production, to the point that the back of the robot was simply left out, but the large scale molds escaped unscathed. The only apparent reason for the change was to save plastic, which has given me the further suspicion that they were produced in greater numbers.Something I get a kick out of is that the original and altered versions of the alien's shell correspond to the shape of a female and male turtle. That's one big female...

And I don't know what to make of this guy. Everyone says he's a Darth Vader knockoff, and I'm sure they're right up to a point, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like Magneto. The freaky part is that Timmee did make Marvel Figures (as covered with the Legendary Battles set), but apparently several years later. Was there an earlier plan for a Marvel set? Might Timmee have made a mold before they had licensing lined up, and recycled it when a deal never went through? Were there other sculpts that were reused, or lost entirely? As always, anybody who would have known isn't likely to talk.

Finally, here's some "story" shots. Some are semi-serious ideas, others jus for fun, but it's all part of the Galaxy Laser Team legacy.

Dead or alive, you're coming with... you.

What do you mean, offbrand Wookies can't be evil slavers? That's just stereotyping!

You have a baton, he has a gun, I'm standing by the controls for the airlock. How do you think this ends?

Okay, now we're screwed.

Hey, I can finally hold something!