Fiction: The Adventures of Chelsea the Social Worker, part 7!

 I once again didn't have anything for today, so here's more of Chelsea the social worker, just in case I needed to explain this is supposed to be kind of stupid. The big news, I finally worked in a character I kept cutting out, also a little bit of "authentic" Serbo-Croatian. This time, I'm putting in a complete set of links at the end. Enjoy, or let me know if you don't...

The doctor stepped up to question the law enforcement robot known as Percy. “Inspector Simmons,” he said, holding up a can of film, “in your opinion, does this film violate the Moral Contraband Act?”

“That isn’t a determination I can make,” Percy said. “I can only testify to the contents of the film. I can’t say I’m happy to do it.”

“Still, surely, you can give us some context,” the doctor said. “What makes a film Moral Contraband?”

“Well, for us to file charges, there has to be evidence of intent to distribute,” Percy said. “We can’t prove or disprove that in a case like this; one film is one film, period. Otherwise, all we can do is confiscate media that are deemed contraband, The two remaining tests are whether it portrays acts that are against the laws of the Arcostate, and whether it has educational value. The first used to include homoerotic acts, non-monogamous partnering, and interspecies mating, but now, it’s just consent. The other is the hardest thing to prove. It’s supposed to exempt material that could be used to instruct people who are monogamously partnered or seeking partnership. In practice, it's a crapshoot. Once in a while, we bring in somebody from Domestic Services and let them decide if they can use it.”

The sauravian State Examiner stepped in. “All right then,” he said, “let’s speak to the third test, since the Parties are indeed employees of the Department. Does this film have educational value to the Arcostate?”

“No,” Percy said. “I testify that this film has no educational or informational value whatsoever. Or artistic value. Or entertainment value. It might have nutritional value, but I’m non-organic, so that’s outside my area of expertise. Frankly, I doubt it.”

“Would you show the film to the panel?” the doctor said.

“No,” Percy said. “I advise against that in the strongest possible terms. Since my Department has legal custody of the film, I have the authority to forbid such a viewing, barring direct orders from my superiors or at least one senior member of the Arcostate Council.”

“Very well,” the doctor said, clearly doubling back. “The full contents of the film is in your memory banks, correct?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Percy said. “I have sufficient storage for 2.8 million hours of holographic-resolution video at maximum compression. I’ve been meaning to declutter a bit. So yeah, it’s in my memory banks until I choose to delete it. Believe me, I plan on it.”

“All right,” the doctor pressed, “why don’t you narrate the film for us?”

“Yeah, I can do that,” Percy said. “I’ll give you the specs first. It’s 39 minutes long, consisting of stop-motion animation, digitally-assisted 2-dimensional animation, and a limited number of live-action shots with no more than 6 participants.” Chelsea glanced in Shad’s direction. He squirmed. She looked sidelong at Diane, who pointedly looked away.

Percy begin his narration as he loaded the file. “So, the film is called Kink Konk,” he said. “Obviously, it’s based on King Kong. It opens with about a minute and a half of credits. It says, A film by Shad! Directed by Shad! Starring Diane as Diane! Written by… you get it.” He sighed. “Now we’re in the longest live segment,” he says. “A lot of it’s captions and cards, though. `Carl Candham is organizing an expedition to Skrew Island…’ Yeah, I’m not saying that again… We see Candham, I can identify the performer with 99% confidence as Frank Weber… So he goes into a movie theater showing a contraband film… and there’s one lady in the audience, that’s Diane… I can identify her with 99.8% confidence as Diane Clairborne… and he threatens to turn her in to the cops if she doesn’t come to the island…

“Now they reach the island, it’s animated… Not bad, actually…  There’s a native chief in a mask, a woman, I’d give a 75% biometric match for Telulah `Tilly’ Van Arkin… She climbs aboard a ship and kidnaps Diane… Then Diane’s offered to their god Konk, a gorilla of course… That’s the real deal, reproduction of the armature used in the original film, we traced the puppet to the Gordon Center… So the ape carries Diane away, Candham and the guys are chasing him… The animation shows 12, but all the closeups are the same three guys… They build a boat, cross a swamp, the boat gets sunk by a big sea serpent thing… The snake is chasing them, it’s got legs or flippers or something, the last guy tries to climb a tree, it climbs the tree and eats him… Oh yeah, and the snake doesn’t have any eyes, and the jaws don’t go up and down…

“Now the gorilla hears Candham coming, so he leaves Diane in a tree. He catches them all on a log across a chasm. The snake’s still chasing the guys, so they can’t go back… The gorilla picks up the log, and rolls it back and forth until they fall off, except Candham… So the ones that fall in the pit get attacked by these crab creatures… Yeah, I’m going with that… When one of them grabs a guy, he shrivels up, this is stop-motion of course. And there’s one big one, sort of a weevil-tick thing, it catches the last guy with these two pincers, grabs him by the legs and pulls… Okay, that’s pretty good. Oh, and a couple of the crab things have crawled out. Candham sends one of them back into the pit by cutting a vine, and the other… bites the gorilla,  I’m not saying where.”

He tapped his fingers. “Now, it’s gone back to Diane, and there’s a big sauravian coming, it’s the same model we have in evidence. Diane says, `Oh no, the Kelsiraptor!’ The raptor stops, she’s… ah… let’s say scratching… I might check that with Domestic Services… Now she’s going for Diane, Konk is running in… They’re wrestling, she’s down, but she tripped him with one leg… The tree’s falling over… And now the raptor is biting the gorilla, I don’t think he’s trying to stop her… Now Diane’s grabbing a tree branch… this is shown with just a doll… And I don’t think the puppet was designed for that.”

He continued his narration. “So  Konk has Diane in his hand, and he’s tickling her with a feather from  the Kelsiraptor, and she’s definitely liking it… Oh, the snake thing just snuck up behind the gorilla, now they’re fighting… And he’s tied it in a knot, he’s pulling it tighter, now it’s kind of burst… Candham just found Diane, he’s trying to take her with him but she doesn’t want to go, he ties her up… And now the gorilla’s fighting a pterosaur sort of thing… He’s chasing Candham, but more of his guys are coming with gas bombs… Yeah, the gorilla’s down.”

It was by then 30 minutes into the narration. “There’s more of the two-dimensional animation now, it looks like they were planning to do more with the puppets. It’s the same story, the gorilla gets taken to the big city. He escapes, Candham drags Diane to a hotel room, Konk finds them, chews up Candham and spits him out, that’s different; you see him fall a long way, then the ape runs off with Diane. He tries to escape up a skyscraper, only it’s not the Empire State building, it’s the Woolworth Building, so the airplanes go to the wrong address. But they’re coming back, Konk knocks one of them out, but there’s 3 more. He’s hurt. He’s putting Diane down, she doesn’t want to leave, then…”

He tapped his visor thoughtfully. “Now this is interesting. The Kelsiraptor is back. She’s flying in to rescue them. She’s smashed one of the airplanes, the last two are pulling off to attack her. She got one with her tail, she’s got hold of the other with her feet. She just tore out the engine, she’s breaking off the propellers, I don’t like where this is going… Yeah, I’m deleting that… So she’s picking up Konk and Diane, they’re flying off. Now there’s an extra bit, there’s a wedding, with the islander lady officiating. Konk is marrying the Kelsiraptor and Diane. Then there’s a title card, it says… `And they had therapy happily ever after THE END.”

The AI rested his forearm on the witness box. “So yeah. That was awful. And you made me go through it twice. Any questions?”

“Thank you, officer,” the Examiner said. “There’s another very important matter to discuss. It’s been testified that you sustained damage from an assault by one of the Parties here with a cutting tool. Mr. Feaghan has admitted sole responsibility. What can you tell us about the damage?”

“Well, the cutting blade split my primary sensor housing,” Percy said, tapping his visor. “It took out about 6 degrees of the total sensory arc. I had to remove the Interactive Assembly to affect repairs. That’s what you’d call my face. I’ve had worse damage. Like the time the Invaders blew up the tank I was driving. And the time they blew up the troop transport I was driving. And the other time they blew up the tank I was driving…”

“If I may,” the doctor said, “can you tell us anything about who struck you?”

“The blade hit on an upward trajectory, so my sensors didn’t capture it until .15 seconds before it hit,” Percy said. “After that, of course, things got blurred. My video log confirmed what we knew from prints, both their hands were on the tool at the moment of impact. So, we can’t contradict Mr. Feaghan’s story. As far as we can tell, they could have done it together.”

The Examiner spoke up. “As it happens, we have the object used here,” he said. He held up a bag in his three-fingered hand. Inside was a small but clearly powerful tool with a cutting blade 12 cm in diameter. “Evidently, Mr. Feaghan had it purpose-built for use constructing effects armatures.” He pointed to a pistol grip on the far end of the tool. “You can see, it has a trigger mechanism to activate the blade, which is very well-protected from accidental contact. It would also seem unlikely that anyone but Mr. Feaghan handled the tool on a regular basis. I would like to clarify, then, did your forensics team find Ms. O’Keefe’s fingerprints on the trigger?”

“It wasn’t conclusive,” Percy said. “So I’m told. They said they couldn’t get anything from the leading surface, but there were partials on the sides, including one that might have been hers. One of them might have had time to wipe it down, or it could’ve just gotten rubbed out during the scuffle. Again, nothing to contradict or confirm their story.”

The doctor chimed in again. “I would also like to clarify… did Ms. O’Keefe make a statement?”

“No,” Percy said. “She was questioned several times, by me and others. She never said anything about it. Oh, yeah, and a rookie they sent to question her quit the force.”

“Pardon me, but I would like to hear from another party,” the Examiner said. “Ms. Kloe Garcia, senior instructor for the Domestic Services Physical Therapeutics Division.”

A dark-haired woman emerged from the small battery of department personnel. Her appearance and accent had confounded anyone trying to place them. It was clear was that she was with child. “Ms. Garcia,” the Examiner said as she took her seat, “I understand that you were present on the night when Mr. Feaghan and Ms. O’Keefe met, with Diane Clairborne. Now, did you recognize Mr. Feaghan at the time?”

“Yes,” she said. “He had attended several of my classes. I remembered him. I knew Chelsea was his caseworker, too. She introduced us like they’d just met. I could tell Diane wasn’t going to say anything. I stayed quiet until we left.”

“Did you get any impression of Ms. O’Keefe’s feelings for Mr. Feaghan?” the Examiner asked.

Kloe shrugged. “She was planning to take him away for a jebing, he was looking forward to it,” she said. “The rest, not my business.”

The doctor stood up. “I would like to question the witness as an expert for Counsel,” he said.

“I grant it,” said the judge.

The doctor stepped forward, looking confident. “Your funeral,” Chelsea muttered.

“Miss Garcia,” the doctor said, “can you explain a little further what your division does?”

“Certainly,” she said. “We provide instructional materials, lessons and demonstrations in the physical act of lovemaking.”

“And these are approved by the Arcostate,” he said. “And the Church also?”

“Of course,” Kloe said. “We  teach the holy allegory of the Two Made One. As the Logos is the Light of all enlightened beings, the warmth of that Light is Eros, the will and desire to create new life.”

“I’m told you were recently married,” the doctor said. “Would you say you have a monogamous partnership? That is to say, do you find your work compatible with monogamy?”

“Of course,” she said. “We have anatomical simulants for instructions, many of them designed by the man who is now my husband and the father of my child. No other man has had me.”

The doctor clearly reevaluated his tactics. “It’s a matter of record that you gave lessons to Mr. Feaghan and Ms. O’Keefe,” he said. “You then recommended Mr. Feaghan to be trained as an instructor. That seems extreme, certainly sudden for someone who had just had his first experience…”

“It happens,” Kloe said. “Natural talent is a thing. I knew he had it from seeing him in class. Observant, curious, imaginative, detail-oriented.”

“Then what was the purpose of the lessons?” the doctor pressed.

“What happens in a session is confidential,” Kloe said.

“Of course, but surely you can tell us something.”

Kloe folded her hands. “Mr. Feaghan was not the problem,” she said. Chelsea flushed. “I would not say more than that if it were permitted.”

“Did anyone else participate in your sessions?” the doctor asked. “I understand Ms. Clairborne was present…”

Kloe shrugged. “I performed our exercises with my husband’s assistance,” she said. “Ms. Clairborne was present as an observer, by Department rules.”

“You must be aware of certain reports about your Department,” the doctor said. “Just for example, there are certain accounts of `bachelorette parties’…”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kloe all but hissed.

The Examiner spoke up again. “Thank you, we have heard enough,” he said. “Now, I would like to hear from Ms. O’Keefe.” Chelsea sighed and stepped forward.

Part I: The romance!

Part II: The parking violation!

Part III: Capsule hotel destruction!

Part IV: The Kelsiraptor, and Harryhausen monster bureaucrat!

Part V: The restraining order!

Part VI: The trial, part 1!

Featured Creature Kaiju File 3: The one that's better than Godzilla

 

 

Title: Gamera 2: Attack of the Legion

What Year?: 1996

Classification: Weird Sequel

Rating: That’s Good! (4/4)

 

In the course of this little lineup, I have already ranted about whether Western audiences and filmmakers can really “get” the kaiju genre (see Colossal). One of the more obvious problems is that our experience and thinking has been limited to the Godzilla franchise. For those who really knows the landscape, this is a blessing in disguise. Sure, we missed out on a lot, but a lot of that is kaka that makes the least of the Toho offerings look tolerable by comparison. To round out this little trilogy, I had to go with a movie to prove that non-Godzilla movies can be good, and I had one in mind. I present Gamera 2, a movie about a giant turtle and a bunch of bugs.

Our story begins with a recap of a previous adventure, in which the jet-propelled giant turtle Gamera defeated the boomerang-headed monster Gyaos. We find Japan in somewhat uneasy peace, where a nominal heroin reporter to annoy various military and government officials without retaliation. Things go downhill with the arrival of a swarm of bear-sized alien bugs and a giant alien plant that sustains them symbiotically. Gamera soon returns to fight them, but can only manage a Pyrrhic victory against the vast numbers of the bugs, dubbed the Legion in a convenient Biblical reference. Things get worse when a bug bigger than Gamera either emerges or spontaneously mutates. It’s up to Gamera to destroy the swarm, the queen and their plant, before the space-borne weed launches its seed to another world!

Gamera 2: Attack of the Legion was a 1996 kaiju film, the second in a 1990s revival of a character introduced by Daiei Film (see Warning From Space) in 1965. The series had effectively ended after 1971’s Gamera Vs. Zigras, though Daiei had previously attempted to revive the franchise with Gamera Supermonster in 1980. Gamera 2 was directed by Shusuke Kaneko from a script by anime veteran Kazunori Ito, both returning from the original remake/ reboot Gamera Guardian of the Universe. Ayako Fujitani also returned as Asagi Kusanagi, a girl able to communicate with Gamera, billed behind Miki Mizuno as the reporter Honami. The monsters and effects were  created with a combination of practical suits and CGI, with Akira Ohashi performing as Gamera and Mizuho Hoshida as the Legion queen. The film was released in Japan in 1996, with distribution by Toho, prior to the US release of the first film in 1997. A third revival film Revenge of Iris was released in 1999. Ohashi and Hoshida continued to perform in both Daiei and Toho films. All three 1990s films are currently available for free streaming on Amazon.

For my experiences, I first heard of Gamera in books on kaiju films and “bad” movies in general sometime in the early 1990s. It took quite a bit longer for the revival films (I know, “Heisei”) to drift into my awareness, including a passing mention by Roger Ebert and a sighting of the first film as part of a museum exhibit. What’s impressive about the whole saga is that absolutely nobody disputed that the original films were far inferior to the Godzilla/ Toho stable. (I’m sure I saw one of them, not long ago, and I honestly don’t remember it.) Yet, someone saw fit to try to revive the franchise while Toho was going strong (see Godzilla Vs. Biollante), which was about as inauspicious as doing a reboot of Starcrash to coincide with the Star Wars prequels. The end result was a film that was quite dark yet also well-attuned to the psychedelic vibe of vintage kaiju genre (see, dear Logos, Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster), and well-made to boot. The sequel was, if anything, an improvement, and that in itself is saying a lot.

Moving forward, most of the arguable pros and cons of this film, particularly compared to Godzilla and its own predecessor, come down to the “rules” of the genre. The science is absolute nonsense. The human plots and side plots fill a lot of time without having much effect on the outcome or getting the viewer invested in the characters. The conventional military forces only appear to prove their own uselessness. The outcome of the monster fights are dictated by how close we are to the end of the movie rather than tactics or comparative strength. However, these issues are if anything less frequent and intrusive than usual. I especially like that the military is good for something here. They actually succeed in getting civilians to safety, including several of the main characters. They make a decent accounting for themselves in battle with the swarm. Even the queen bug seems to take human tanks and artillery seriously enough to shoot back with its bio-plasma weaponry rather than simply stomping them underfoot. These might seem like trivial concerns, but for those who want anything close to realism from the genre, it helps just to get past having the genius scientists, beautiful damsels and plucky kids wandering unscathed long after trained and armed soldiers have been wiped off the map.

That brings us to the monsters. As often happens, the “good” kaiju is less interesting than his foes. Gamera is a suitably balanced hero/ antihero, always looking grim and vaguely disgruntled without turning actively malevolent. There are also plenty of times he shows genuine concern for humanity, at least collectively, as seen in a harrowing fight at a helipad where his little friend is being evacuated. On the other side, the drones of the swarm are truly hallucinatory in their strangeness, like nothing so much as the Medieval-psychedelic demons of a Hieronymus Bosch painting (or a really wonky patchisaur…). It’s stunning to see them literally cover Gamera in their first encounter; this is surely done with CGI, but I can’t see anything that would prove it with certainty. There’s an extra eerie touch when a soldier quotes the Gospel at their approach, which doesn’t seem to make sense for Japanese audiences yet seems to have been taken for granted by the filmmakers. By comparison, the queen is conventional enough to be a tad disappointing, notably lacking any counterpart to the bizarre single eye of the “little” guys, with a lot of further roughness for such a late film. It’s still a very strange and striking kaiju, menacing in its non-anthopomorphic alienness and towering even over Gamera. To me, it feels like what might have been if the Pacific Rim creatures had been portrayed with 1960s-‘70s tech. Considering how many kaiju films Guillermo Del Toro admitted copying from, I’m definitely not writing this off as just me.

That leaves the “one scene”, and I’m going with one I hadn’t figured out from a viewing alone. At the hour mark, Gamera is wounded from his fight with the queen, while the military has figured out that the plant is ready to launch its seed back into space with a sort of biological rocket. (What are the chances they didn’t rip off Larry Niven?) A commander says, “We were defeated the moment it flowered,” then orders a general retreat. As the last of the soldiers withdraw, Gamera charges toward a building engulfed by the alien plant. What gets odd even for a movie like this is the camerawork, which seems either over-exposed or washed out. Gamera reaches the plant, then manages to knock it over. The camera zooms in on the nose of the seed, only to zoom out again as the resulting blast tears through the city. It’s a truly horrific scene that leaves the moral in a gray area. Would there have been any more devastation if the plant had just launched? Would the Legion have been nearly as destructive as we’ve seen if they and their plant had just been left alone? There’s no answers forthcoming, nor a clear acknowledgement of the question, yet even allowing the implied doubt is an intriguing twist on the genre.

In closing, the main thing I have to say is that this movie and series is a major reason I started this feature in the first place. What I hadn’t  necessarily planned on was comparing any entry in the series to Godzilla films or each other. In those terms, I favor the present film to the preceding one, though in most respects, they’re about even. I would also put it about even with Godzilla Vs. Biollante, if only because that film didn’t rise as far above new and old cliches. What really makes the difference in the rating is how far the Gamera revival had come from its motley roots. When a studio that once made a bad knockoff of When Worlds Collide can go toe to toe with the one that made Rodan, we can all take heart that filmmakers can do better if they try. That’s enough for me to call it a night.

Retrobots Revisited: Lego Creator bots!

 

It's my usual day off, and I'm just getting into a career transition. To fill the time, I decided to go through some more Lego material (see the giant 1990s robot and Lego dino post). As it happened, I acquired not one but two sets recently, including still in the box. To kick things off, here's the packaging for the Space Mining Mech set.

Usually, I would make fun of packaging, but Lego does a good job.

This is a set that's been out for a while and clearly popular. For a little while, it looked like it was off the store shelves, and prices online were going up accordingly. In the last month or so, however, I sighted it and picked it up on a return trip. I finally built it the same day as this post, and it was good fun despite a few unnecessary complications. It looks cool enough that there's not a lot else to say, beyond the fact that I find it a little odd there wasn't a pilot minifig included. Here's a lot more pics. And yeah, I figured out the hand is upside down.

I think this was the best position of the saw thingy.

Meanwhile, there was another set I had gotten earlier, along with the dino set. This is just called Super Robot, and if you're wondering what anime they're ripping off, the safe answer is all of them.

Despite my usual disregard for keeping things in the packaging (see above), I have usually been saving the boxes for Lego sets, if only because it's the easiest way to keep track of manuals and extra pieces. This time was an exception, as the box came very roughed up. Instead, here's pics of the manuals.

And here's a few more pics of the bot. The hands are... weird.

Also, here's another bot I have had for a while, and the extras from the mining mech set.

About the style of these sets, it's certainly debatable if these are "retro". The anime bot obviously calls back to the 1980s and perhaps the 1990s, The mining bot and the tracked guy above (I think of the not-uncommon configuration as "centank") are less specific. They're a little more sophisticated than what we were getting from Lego in the 1980s or the early 1990s, but they would still fit in with sci fi of that vintage. That  is really the trademark of Lego Space and its successors; outside of movie tie-in sets, the style is always just generalized enough that it doesn't feel self-dated the way more typical toys do. One of these days, I'm sure I'll do a more detailed post about it. For now, I'm in no hurry.

And here's something I thought about including with the dino set. I have had this around a long time (apparently it came out right at the beginning of 2015), and finally built it as a way to convince myself that buying more sets wasn't going to be a waste of time. It's the kind of thing I get once in a while just to have something that isn't sci fi, military and/ or paleo (see the saga of the Truckstop Queen). Until I unpacked it, I thought this was a lady and her boyfriend, then I realized that one set of legs is for a kid. I had a little bit of fun trying to figure out a relationship. A mother and her son? A teenage girl and her little brother? A teenage girl and her little sister??? Even I really don't need to know.

And that's enough for me to call it a day. Needless to say, Legos have been my lifelong interest/ obsession. More recently, things have been a bit cyclic, but I've never given up entirely. And here's one more pic just for fun. That's all for now, more to come!

Animation Defenestration: The one that killed Don Bluth's career

 

 Title: Titan AE

What Year?: 2000

Classification: Runnerup/ Mashup

Rating: What The Hell??? (2/4)

 

As I write this, I’m closing on another milestone for my review count, and I decided it was time for another animation review. As it happens, I had something on deck that definitely fit, though already close to the limit for the time I allow between a viewing and a review. It comes from the 1990s-2000s transition, a time when the industry was in turmoil. Inevitably, there were winners and losers, and there was one failure that was epic enough to leave a legend for generations to come, a movie that not only lost money on its own but shuttered a studio and ended the career of a famed animator. As scholars could guess even without the opening data, I speak of Titan AE, the final film from Don Bluth and Fox Animation, and after a good chunk of time to think about it, all I can say is… huh.

Our story begins, like all hip youth-oriented sci fi, with actual genocide as aliens called the Drej destroy the Earth, apparently to stop humans from attacking them with a new ship called the Titan. A boy named Cale joins an exodus of human refugees scattering into the wider galactic civilization, while his father sails off with the Titan. Skip forward, and our hero has grown into a headstrong youth who pushes back against being snubbed and mistreated by other spacefaring aliens. After a fight with a few spaceport toughs, he meets a human space adventurer named Korso, who realizes that an artifact from Cale’s father has the secret of the Titan’s location. With a lady and a few aliens for company, they set out to find the Titan. But the Drej are in pursuit, and not everyone aboard is who they seem!

Titan AE was a 2000 animated film by Fox Animation, directed by Don Bluth and Gary Goldman. The project was reportedly conceived as a live-action feature, before being given to Bluth following the success of his first Fox animated feature film Anastasia. The role of CGI, which Bluth had no experience with, was apparently debated, with the final result being a mainly traditional/ 2D animated film with some CGI-animated elements and sequences. The final budget of the film was estimated at up to $90 million, including $30M in preproduction costs before Fox Animation took over production. The voice cast was led by Matt Damon as Cale and Bill Pullman as Korso, with Drew Barrymore as the lady Akima. Other cast included Janeane Garofalo (see Mystery Men) and Disney veteran Jim Cummings. The film earned a box office of $36.8M, less than half the lowest estimates of its budgets, and received mixed reviews. Fox Animation was shut down, possibly in part because of Fox’s acquisition of the Blue Sky CGI studio. Don Bluth withdrew from feature animation, though he has been credited for short films and other work as recently as 2019. Titan AE remains available on digital platforms.

For my experiences, this is one I’m sure I was aware of before, during and after its fateful debut, in part because the studio was based pretty close to where I live. My strongest frame of reference for this review, however, was giving Anastasia a look a little over a year previously. I went into that one with memories of it as equal to at least one of the “minor” films of the Disney renaissance. I came out of it disappointed and more than a little irritated, not because it was “bad” but simply because it was a slight, rather bland offering. That gave me plenty of foreboding going into the present film. This is a movie whose reputation alone creates certain expectations, on par with The Black Cauldron or Chicken Little. You can want it to be either a gem that proves audiences and critics are idiots, or else so horrible you can wish it to the flames of Hell. I went in, however, with no doubt that it would be neither of those things, which as I’ve regularly ranted is exactly the kind of movie that can be more frustrating than the ones I can hate.

With that in mind, it has to be admitted at the outset that this movie is disarmingly competent at face value, I would go so far as to say probably an improvement on Anastasia. The animation is as good as it should be, including still impressive CGI for the destruction of Earth and the crystal ice field of the finale. The voice work is also top notch, though that’s one thing that Fox certainly paid for up front. What I find most impressive on this front is that I didn’t immediately recognize any of the “celebrity” voice actors, or get distracted trying to figure them out; this is a film that truly uses the talent as a tool in a toolbox rather than a gimmick to draw or distract the audience. Most of the obvious problems that crop up come simply from a recurring sense of familiarity, and this is where things get admittedly tricky in hindsight. If this had come out in 1990 or even 1985, it would still have been easy to draw comparisons with Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica and the like. On the other hand, there are undoubtedly some things here that hadn’t been seen before, at least from western animation, especially the malevolent horde of the Drej.

On a deeper level, the real problem isn’t that this isn’t anything new, but that it’s so thin. This is where one may wonder about the likely role of studio mismanagement. The preproduction work could very well have left Bluth with a bad hand. If the release date, run time or for that matter the rating were also dictated by Fox, then it’s easy to allow that the crew could have been hamstrung any number of ways. There are, however, plenty of things that feel all too typical for second-tier animation. The characters are only a little deeper than the archetypes they draw on, which becomes a particular problem when the whiplash changes of loyalties in the final act come in play. The same weaknesses show in the plot and world-building. The treasure-hunt setup simply doesn’t work with the posited stakes; if a ship as powerful as the Titan was already on Earth, rather than under development on some distant outpost, it would be fighting, not running. It also serves to push the viewer past the far more interesting work-a-day lives of the human diaspora. Finally, there is simply no motivation given for the Drej, who seem to have no reason to treat humanity as more than a minor nuisance. We do just fine without speeches from a posturing evil overlord, but it would be much easier go along with this if we knew something about how the conflict escalated all the way to preemptive genocide. It’s this lack of depth and backstory that make them feel far more generic than they really are.

That brings me to the “one scene” and it is indeed the one that shows the film’s potential. Just a little ways in, Cale is in the aliens’ cafeteria, where he gets into a confrontation with a server. Afterward, he fumes, “I’d just like them to kill my food before they serve it to me.” Listening of cold blood, I definitely recognize Damon, still being himself rather than playing himself. After a gravity malfunction, he walks away, only to run into a group of aliens he clearly knows. They deliver an ominous warning, complete with the pointed remark that he has been “uppity”. Before this gets any further, Korso intervenes, with the further warning, “If you hunt humans, we travel in packs.” It’s a fine scene with potent historical and racial overtones, which in a few minutes paints a chilling picture of a world where humans are treated every bit as badly as we have treated each other. But, like far too many things, it gets left behind for a story we’ve already seen done better.

In closing, what I come to is not simply the rating, but how this really compares with other animated films I reviewed. The two worst are definitely The Wild and the Gobots movie (about equally bad in very different ways), which didn’t even make it in here. Of those that did, the worst would still be Lily CAT (somehow, the real clunkers always turn up early), followed by Lord of the Rings as the most disappointing. With films like that as the bar, I think it will be clear why I have gone easy on so many others (see the other LOTR cartoon). The bottom line is that anything that at least tries to do something interesting can usually get up to 2 out of 4, and this particular film is the kind that sinks to the level of lesser entries that rise marginally above their limitations. The words on this one’s tombstone would have to be that the only people who were wrong about it were the suits who kept throwing money at it. If it comes to that, if it had actually been successful in its own time, it would probably have ended up even more forgotten than it is. And with that, I for one am done with it.

Fiction: The Adventures of Chelsea the Social Worker part 6!

 After a lot of procrastinating, I decided to finish the transition week with some fiction, and that meant more of Chelsea the social worker. As usual, here's links for the first and previous installments.

Six weeks later, Chelsea was in court. It was technically a hearing rather than a trial. The real difference was that no members of the public were allowed. The jury was a panel of State administrators, with an AI as judge. Chelsea, Diane and the legal counselors for the Department were on the left. The counselors were led by Deve, who at the moment only had 4 arms rather than 8. The frequent fluctuations in his number of arms was a mystery that their coworkers had grown tired of pondering. On the right was Shad, surrounded by a team of a dozen. He turned a miserable gaze toward Chelsea, again. She continued to stare straight ahead.

An oviraptorosaur four feet tall stepped forward onto the courtroom floor. His almost boxy head looked part turtle and part flamingo, yet he spoke perfectly apart from a recurring whistle. “I am Quiquay Quon, Examiner for the Arcostate,” he said. “This is a hearing on the competency of Party Shad Feaghan, and a protective order placed by his family and their counsel against the second Party, his partner Chelsea Feaghan O’Keefe. As a reminder, this is intended to be a non-adversarial hearing, in which the State panel will hear the case for both Parties. I am here to oversee the testimony of the pertinent witnesses, to cross-examine and clarify as needed, and to mediate any and all further questions and challenges from the counsel of each Party. As a further reminder, all testimony heard here will remain absolutely confidential.” He gave a meaningful glance toward a handful of Security staff and observers present.

“Now, I would like to hear first from Shad Faeaghan,” the Examiner continued. “I understand he has requested to make a petition on his own behalf.”

Chelsea leaned back as Shad rose, looking utterly despondent. There was a sudden flurry from his counsel box. A man she recognized as Shad's doctor rose up and shouted, “Stop that!”

“’What?” Chelsea said. “I’m sitting here.”

“If there is an objection,” said the judge, “present it through counsel.” He turned his head. His body was clearly metal, but he had a fully human face.

An attorney spoke up belatedly. “It happens, we have examined at least 20 pieces of explicit artwork portraying Ms. Feaghan O’Keefe in that exact pose,” he said. “We posit, she is already trying to use her sexuality to manipulate Mr. Feaghan.”

“It’s how I sit,” Chelsea said. “How about I make myself comfortable?” She slid her chair back and propped up her legs on the table.

“Ms. O’Keefe, you are advised against this display,” Deve promptly said. “I posit to the court that this is disruption and harassment of my client for her behavior within a consensual and monogamous relationship. Let the court decide if she is acting inappropriately.”

“I grant it,” the judge said, looking amused. “As long as Mr. Feaghan can remain composed, Ms. O’Keefe can remain as she is.” Chelsea straightened with a hint of a smile.

“Please, I want the protective order lifted,” Shad said. “There’s really no need for this. She’s my wife. I love her. She’s my one and only. Just let me go home with my Blue Bell, and everything will be fine.”

The Examiner looked at him with kind gold eyes. Any human watching would have expected him to move to grant the request immediately. He merely clicked his beak and probed, “Then this is your official petition?”

“Of course,” Shad said, in an irritable tone that Chelsea knew meant he was confused.

“Of course, we will consider your request,” the Examiner said. “But you must realize, we have issues to consider. You were reported to police before by a previous partner, before you met Ms. O’Keefe. Since then, the two of you have been involved in multiple disturbances, involving public indecency, damage to property, and finally an assault that significantly damaged a law enforcement AI. You must appreciate, then, that we have cause for concern.”

The doctor stood up. “I would like to examine Mr. Feaghan,” he said. “I believe I can better clarify his state of mind.”

“Very well,” the Examiner said. “I give the floor to Dr. Klaus Charleton, the doctor assigned by the Department of Domestic Services to Mr. Feaghan’s care.”

The doctor now came from the same box as the family counsel. “Hello, Shad,” he said with a smile. “How are you today?”

“Hi, Dr. Charleton,” Shad said, shifting uncomfortably. “I’m doing okay. Except I can’t see my wife.”

“We hope to resolve this soon,” the doctor said. “Now, unfortunately, it will be necessary to play back some comments from our sessions. But you will have the opportunity to comment at any time, or request to stop the recording. Do you accept?”

“Sure,” Shad said sullenly.

“Bull kaka,” Chelsea said, neither loudly nor quietly.

The doctor began playing back excerpts Chelsea had heard before. She did prop up her feet, in what soon became genuine boredom. She turned her head at an odd sound, almost like the crack of a bat. She beheld Deve buffing the fingers of one bronze hand with a 6-inch triangular blade that had seemingly erupted from the knuckles of the other. She shook her She frowned as she heard something new. “Mr. Feaghan, we’ve discussed this,” the questioner said. “The idea that males don’t `say no’ is a stereotype. Men have as much agency as women, and they can have the same issues with libido and physical performance. Beyond that, there is the need to communicate preferences. So, can you tell me just a little about how your partner initiates intimacy?”

“Okay, okay,” Shad said. “To begin with, it’s not like I never ask for it. It’s about 50-50, okay, maybe 60-40. Chelsea keeps saying she wants me to do it more often. Anyway, here’s how it goes, for average. First, she gets real quiet, then she starts looking at me. Then when I look back at her, she starts doing stuff, like, to herself, and maybe she says, `Can you come over here and give me a hand?’ So, I can still shut her down, at least for a while. Maybe I get up and do something else, or I just watch her for a while. I can always dig that. After a while, she stops, or maybe I finish what I’m working on, or I come over after all.”

“Then how does she communicate with you?”

“Well, she doesn’t talk; I’ve said that. She’s really quiet; well, she thinks she is. Not that quiet, really, I’ve worried about that sometimes… Anyway, she checks me out, feels me up, shows me what she wants to do. Then I do it or I show her what I want to do.”

“That’s reasonable. Can you tell me, how does she react when you communicate your preferences are different from hers?”

“To be honest? If she bites me once, we do it my way. If she keeps biting me, we do it her way…”

“Doctor,” the Examiner said, “I believe the panel has heard enough. Did you have any questions for Mr. Feaghan?”

“Of course,” the doctor said. He stopped the recording. “Shad, do you have anything to say?”

“I want to go home with my wife,” he said. “I know I have problems. I’m doing better. I have been as long as I’ve been with her. Let me be with her, and everything will be fine.”

“I’m sure you feel that way,” the doctor said. “Consider, though, we already heard some very intimate commentary about your relationship, in your own words. You spent almost half a year living with this woman. In that time, in your own words, she claimed not to recognize you at your first public meeting, she never said she loves you, and her approach to intimacy is, `She points and she takes, and no guy would say no’. Would that sound fine to you?”

“Look, I’m not stupid,” Shad said. “I know she doesn’t act the way women are supposed to. That’s why I love her, even if she doesn’t feel that way about me.”

“Have you considered that you could have been assigned a partner by the state?” the doctor said. “In fact, you had your choice between Ms. O'Keefe and a state assignment. A witness said you didn’t even open the envelope. How can you be sure there isn’t a better partner for you?”

Chelsea pinched her nose and closed her eyes. “Well, I chose her,” he said. “And she chose me, didn’t she? She had more choices than I did. She could have gone back to her ex, she could have met another guy, she could have made her own petition. So why didn’t she? What does it say about the State process when their best caseworker would rather be with a guy she picked up in a theater at 4 in the morning? You think it’s coincidence we’re the ones on trial?”

“Mr. Feaghan, now you’re just being paranoid, which you have admitted is your problem,” the doctor said. “Now what’s logical, that the Arcostate would scheme against you, or that they would be intervening out of the same concerns your family and friends have expressed?”

“I’m paranoid? They sent cops to look through the things I made for my wife, and I’m paranoid?”

“Shad… you have admitted hitting a police robot in the face with a tool you used to carve metal,” the doctor said. “A decorated officer, who was only there to deliver a protective order, which he had no control over. To my understanding, the tool damaged the main sensor array, which was inside a housing rated to stop light projectile weapons fire. That is not `better’ or ‘fine’. Is there anything you can say about that? Perhaps any statements you’ve made that you would want to withdraw or revise?”

“No,” Shad said. “I don’t remember what happened. I don’t want to talk any more.”

“I’ve heard enough,” the Examiner said. A court attendant was already leading Shad back to the box. “Dr. Charleton, I would like to hear more from you.” As he took the seat, the Examiner said, “Now, Doctor, I understand you have previously filed an internal complaint against Ms. O’Keefe regarding her relationship with Mr. Feaghan.”

“Absolutely,” the doctor said. “First of all, I specifically opposed granting them a domestic partnership. I presented further evidence that my patient and Ms. O’Keefe must be separated for his own well-being. When I shared this assessment with senior Department representatives, they insisted they agreed. But they maintained that they couldn’t extend the hold without a hearing, which they were unprepared and frankly unwilling to pursue. After the partnership was granted, I was forced to proceed with a complaint against Ms. O’Keefe, only to have my concerns dismissed out of hand again. That was when I notified the Feaghan family of my concerns.”

The Examiner nodded. “Still, the Department found no cause for action,” he said. “By the testimony of both Parties and a witness, they met in private, by chance, without Ms. Feaghan O’Keefe recognizing Mr. O’Keefe, and had therapeutic relations by mutual consent.”

“I won’t speak to what Ms. O’Keefe knew,” the doctor said. “Even if she didn’t recognize him then, she still had direct access to his files, to intimate questionnaires, to her own extensive training. Can one even talk of consent, when one partner has such advantages over another who is already vulnerable? Beyond that, I doubt very much that this is an isolated event. Her department has been plagued by years of complaints, from clients, staff and their current and former partners, in which she has been mentioned a number of times. I can’t comment on the evidence, beyond the fact that it will be pursued.”

“Very well, then what can you say to Mr. Feaghan’s state of mind?” the Examiner said. “We have already heard him speak. I have to say, he might be unwise, even deceived, but he seems able to speak and think for himself. Can you explain why the Arcostate needs to intervene on his behalf?”

The doctor sighed. “That is the problem with men with non-intellectual disabilities,” he said. “My patient is not impaired in intelligence, nor is he violent or obviously delusional. His intelligence and reasoning are normal, indeed in many ways well above normal. When it comes to social and emotional reasoning, however, he is barely out of childhood. The ability to assess the intentions of others, to recognize lies, manipulation and exploitation, is for him nearly non-existent. His handicaps are even greater when it comes to communication. He can express his feelings toward Ms. O’Keefe, after a fashion, and believe me, even that is tremendous progress over where he was. Ask him to give a value judgment about how he may be treated, however, and you will find that he has no frame of reference beyond the most basic masculine stereotypes. A man isn’t manipulated with sexuality, at least without knowing he’s being manipulated. A man isn’t threatened by an unstable woman. A man doesn’t say no. And because of the same stereotypes, society sees a man getting what he wants rather than a seriously disabled citizen being taken advantage of.”

The doctor became visibly animated. “And we are talking about more than manipulation,” he said. “We are talking about a young man led into degeneracy, promiscuity, and moral contraband. I ask the judge to allow a sample of what he has created in just 6 months.”

“Dear Logos,” Chelsea said, “I really was starting to think you were a decent guy.”

Chelsea stared steadily at the ceiling. She maintained her interest only in watching the reactions of the panel. She snorted as the Kelsiraptor was brought out and inspected. The panelists turned their heads as her portrait was brought out. Her pose was largely the same as the one she held, except she was on her back with her legs over the back of their couch, and of course entirely nude. “I begged him to do that; he chose the pose,” she said to nobody in particular. Then she came upright as they set down a can of film. After an urgent exchange, Deve rose to speak.

“Ms. O’Keefe states that she has no knowledge of the contents of that film,” he said. “She was told by Mr. Feaghan that it was his intention that it had not and never would be seen by anyone but himself and her.” There was a red flicker in his black eyes. “Might I ask who has seen it?”

“By the terms of the warrant, it was turned over by the Counsel for the Feaghan family without being viewed,” the Examiner said. “We had it examined by an expert in Moral Contraband.  In fact, you seem to know each other.” As he spoke, Percy walked into the court room.

Featured Creature The Kaiju File 2: The one where a drunk lady stomps Korea

 

 

Title: Colossal

What Year?: 2016

Classification: Mashup/ Improbable Experiment

Rating: What The Hell??? (2/4)

 

In considering the current lineup (see Godzilla Vs Biollante), something I debated very seriously was whether to cover kaiju movies from the US. To my thinking, the “true” kaiju movies are those from Japan, outside of a few very early examples that influenced Godzilla. With that criterion, I could have gone with something from the 1950s-‘60s golden age, but the point of this feature has been to document the quality monster movies of the “modern” era, and I felt this to be especially important with the kaiju film. To really cover the shape of the genre, then, I needed an American entry. That left several obvious possibilities, both good and (very) bad. On consideration, the one that rose to the top was recently enough that I would normally disregard it. It also happens to be one of strangest entries to fall at all within the genre, even compared to the likes of Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster. I present Colossal, the only movie about kaiju and alcoholism.

Our story begins with an introduction to Gloria, who breaks up with her big-city boyfriend after another night out that she doesn’t quite remember. She returns to her hometown, where she soon reconnects with her childhood friend Oscar, who has to remind her who died before and after her departure. It doesn’t help matters when she goes to work at Oscar’s bar. After another night blackout drunk, she learns that a giant monster has attacked a southeast Asian city, then literally disappeared into thin air. When another blackout corresponds with a second attack, Gloria realizes that the monster is materializing whenever she goes to a park in the town. She quickly tries to stop and make amends. But it turns out Oscar has the same power she does, and he’s willing to stomp Seoul to get what he wants!

Colossal was a 2016 film written and directed by Spanish filmmaker Nacho Vigalondo. The production involved studios and entities from the US, Canada, Spain and South Korea. The film starred Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis as Gloria and Oscar, with English actor Dan Stevens as Gloria’s ex Tim. Filming took place in Vancouver, Canada in late 2015, while Hathaway was expecting her first child. A lawsuit was filed by Toho during preproduction, alleging that Vigalondo had used images of Godzilla while promoting the film to its financial backers; this reportedly led to Seoul, South Korea being used as a setting instead of Tokyo. It remains unclear if a Godzilla-like design was ever planned for the film, as the monster and robot designs actually used clearly had more in common with those of Pacific Rim. The film received limited release in 2016 and 2017. Though it received positive reviews, it was not a financial success, earning $4.5 million against a $15M budget.

For my experiences, I suppose the thing to talk about here is what the Hell I watch when I actually go to a theater. I’m sure that those with only this blog as a frame of reference would expect me to be well-versed in the offbeat end of contemporary cinema. The reality is that, outside of a predilection for sci fi/ fantasy/ horror genre films and animation, what I get to in theatrical release is pretty close to “mainstream”, in no small part because of my issues with mobility. Sure, I’ve caught more than a few movies that are obscure or notorious now (see Meteor Man). The ones that are truly off the grid, however, usually don’t even show up at the places I can get to on my own initiative. The present film is a quite rare example of a movie I saw in first run that was under the radar even at the time, which I probably wouldn’t have gotten to if it hadn’t turned up at semi-independent theater close to where I worked at the time. It made a favorable enough impression that I bought it when it came out on disc, though I only watched it once or twice before the viewing for this review. It has remained easily the most unusual of modern, Western kaiju movies, yet one that is intriguing more than good.

Moving in, the obvious issue to deal with is that the kaiju element is limited in scope. For the most part, this is one thing that works. There’s really only one sequence where we see Gloria and the monster in action, explicitly to demonstrate her power without hurting anyone. The resulting scene offers some effective dark humor, plus the intriguing twist that she feels and instinctively responds to attacks against the monster. Whether enough firepower could injure the monster or her is one of a number of points that aren’t resolved, but not really important to the to the story. Any deficit of monster action is more than made up for by the film’s take on the post-9/11 news cycle, as the media respond to an inexplicable and apocalyptic event with the same trivializing overanalysis as any tragedy of the day. The one lingering problem is that the monster itself is unsatisfying in ways that are difficult to account for. The design is quite unusual, even compared to the already gnarly Pacific Rim kaiju, and the CGI certainly isn’t “that” bad. I think it’s pertinent on this front that there’s never a mention of the kaiju genre within the film, despite the explicit links made to anime-based 1980’s toys. Without that “meta” frame of reference, and perhaps a little more of the vivid colors of the source material, the monster just feels vaguely overfamiliar.

The “other side” to this equation is the human story, and this is where the film is unquestionably a mixed bag. Though the story throws out plenty of side characters, nobody except perhaps Tim gets enough development to sidetrack from Gloria and Oscar, and there are very good reasons to take the focus off the central pair at least for a stretch. Considered together or separately, these are flawed, unlikable and very unhappy people, which is clearly the point up to a point. The very high caliber of the leads does a lot of further good in keeping the film watchable. The problem is that the movie doesn’t know what to do with them any better than they do with themselves. The idea that they would, should or even want to be romantically involved is mercifully set aside. Without it, however, we have no frame of reference for Oscar’s fixation on Gloria, nor any further connection with her own self-destructive cycle. I can’t help thinking that this could have worked at least a little better framed from Oscar’s perspective, with him piecing together what Gloria can’t. On a certain level, however, Oscar’s motivations are simply a red herring that the film itself never quite lets go of. The mature lesson here is that it’s pointless to try to explain madness, let alone ask the afflicted to explain themselves, and a story with that moral shouldn’t need almost two hours of wonky pacing to be told.

That leaves the one scene, and I’m going, as I do more often than might be expected, with one I kind of forgot. As the finale approaches, Gloria comes to the bar with Tim. They sit down, and Gloria rises to tend to a customer, only to be told to sit down again. Then, with absolutely no lead-in, Oscar says, “What would you say would be the most irresponsible thing you could do in this bar?” Right then, I myself remembered very quickly what’s coming. After a very funny monologue, Oscar breaks out by his own description “the most illegal thing in this bar”, a firework literally the size of a beer keg. He tells the tale of its purchase, for boyish mischief long since outgrown, and there’s never any doubt what he’s going to do. The strangest yet most telling thing, in an overarching theme of the film, is that nobody tries to stop him when he lights the fuse…

In closing, what I find myself coming back to is the place of the kaiju genre in the US and the West in general. I’ve commented occasionally on Japanese “knockoffs” that really feel more like a nation and culture taking back what was theirs, like Message From Space and Lily CAT. In a very real sense, the kaiju movie is a case of the reverse. The foundations of the genre were laid by American films like King Kong (why not see my review of the first remake?) and The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, yet once Japan found it, they made it so completely their own that even the films they ripped off no longer feel in the same category. The unfortunate collateral damage is that the Western mainstream never again accepted the genre on its own terms. At best, we could not understand it, as seen with certain ill-advised “remakes”. At worst, we minimized and ridiculed it with jokes and parody. In the present film, we finally got a middle ground, a movie that recognized the dark metaphors and reapplied them to ourselves. The result may have been all kinds of not great, and it may have faired even worse in the general pop culture, but it earns its place here as an American film that finally, indisputably did something new with the kaiju concept. That is enough to win my respect.